Ellen DeGeneres and Portia de Rossi Are BOTH Women

So, Ellen DeGeneres and Portia de Rossi are married, as I weepily gushed to you already yesterday. The interview with People Magazine, hitting stands this Friday, contains the following quote:

"What can I say? I'm the luckiest girl in the world," says DeGeneres. "She's officially off the market. No one else gets her. And now she'll cook and clean for me."

Ellen, as I'm sure most of you are aware, is a comedienne. Do people honestly think she's serious in this soundbite? A lot of people seem to, and many of them, it seems, have a press pass.

Seriously, my eyes hurt from all the rolling they're doing. Reuters' headline for the story? "Ellen Wears the Pants in This Marriage." Get it? Cuz she wore PANTS at the wedding! And she joked —joked, people — about her wife assuming a traditional, heterosexist gender role! A lot of this coverage is really just implying, sometimes outright stating, that Ellen will assume a "traditional" male role within their relationship. A lot of these assertions appear to be based on what seems to me to be an obvious joke, and the fact that Ellen isn't really into skirts.

Look, I don't think you need a BA in Gender Studies to know that there is no "man" in a lesbian relationship. That's...kinda the point, y'know? Sure, Portia is undeniably more "femme" than Ellen, but it's pretty clear they are both women. Attractive, talented, successful women.

I see two major faults with a large portion of the coverage I've read so far regarding the DeGeneres/de Rossi wedding:

1) The "cook and clean" bit was just that: a comedy bit. Portia de Rossi is not about to quit acting and start dressing in an apron and pearls. She won't be standing like a puppy by the door at 5 p.m., waiting for Ellen with a chilled martini on a silver tray. If you think that she was serious about that, please talk to your doctor about Nuvaring, a once-monthly vaginal ring that is 99% effective at preventing pregnancy. We really don't need any more humorless stupid people.

2) The ridiculous insistence on discussing same-sex relationships with the same dom/sub, male/female breadwinner/homemaker gender dichotomies they apply to heterosexual relationships? The ones that feminists have been trying to shatter for over a century? Bitches, please. Don't apply your box to a relationship outside the box like, for example, a relationship with two boxes. These false binaries aren't just damaging to same-gender couples—they're unfair to all couples who find rigid gender roles restrictive. Relationships do not necessarily have one pair of pants, or any pants at all.

Sure, Portia de Rossi may have worn a stunning gown alongside Ellen's charming vest and slacks combo, but the insinuations that Ellen is somehow less of a woman because she's more comfortable in a suit than a skirt, or that Portia will be some Suzy Homemaker/Stepford Wife because she wears make-up and dresses sometimes, is insulting, not just to lesbians, but to all women. We are more than what we wear, and we define our gender expressions; they do not define us. Gender expressions do not reside on some carved-in-stone, two-column list of "male" and "female" traits.

Shit, I kinda wish I wore pants to my wedding. And flat, sensible shoes. I would have danced a whole lot more.

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