An Open Letter to Kevin Federline

Oh Kevin Federline. I really have to hand it to you. You went from The Joke That Wouldn't Die to The "Responsible One" in the blink of an eye, and as soon as we all picked ourselves up from where we had passed the hell out from shock, you did something even more amazing. YOU WENT AWAY. You went away, Kevin! You parented your children and went to your court dates and didn't slam Britters in the media, and vanished from the tabloids, and you were...A pretty decent guy! I swear, Kevin, I still have the vapors. So please, PLEASE, Kevin, do NOT take the bait on THIS ONE.

Kevin? Uh, I don't know how to say this delicately...Kevin, Michael Lohan wants to challenge you to a fist fight.

Kevin! Kevin, settle down! I know you want to deck Michael Lohan. Hell, we ALL want to deck Michael Lohan. Babies that haven't even been BORN want to emerge from the womb and immediately sock Michael Lohan right in the nuts. You're NOT ALONE, Kevin. But please, please don't do it.

Oh that Lohan is a crafty one, too. "It would be for CHARITY!" he whines. Don't fall for it, Kevin! You've taken the high road when we all thought you'd be scooping elephant poop on Celebrity Circus by now. You proved us wrong, Kevin, and we don't like being proven wrong. So don't blow it now. Don't soil your undoubtably manicured hands by giving Michael Lohan the street beating he so richly deserves. Be the grown-up. Let Joe Simpson fight him, no one cares about his sorry ass.

Raise your kids, Kevin. Keep helping Britney. Don't EVER put out another album. And please, whatever you do, never, ever go within 50 yards of Michael Effin' Lohan.

Best Regards,
Miss Banshee