Michael Phelps, 1985 - 2008

Tragedy struck the games of the XXIX Olympiad this weekend when Michael Phelps, the Greatest Olympian and Athlete and Human Being and Life Form of All Time, drowned during his final Olympic appearance while attempting to save a puppy that had fallen into the pool.

"If there was anything Michael Phelps loved more than swimming, or America, or his mom, it was puppies," announced Bob Costas through tears. "Please tune in tonight when we pre-empt every other Olympic event to bring you a special 24-hour Tribute to a Hero: Michael Phelps: the Michael Phelps Story: Heart of Gold: Triumph and Tragedy: Michael Mothereffing Phelps. Live tonight on NBC."

The tragedy means controversy has again struck the Olympics, with much speculation as to how and why the puppy got into the pool in the first place, with Chinese officials claiming that the dog Phelps rescued was actually 16 years old and had every right to compete in the 100M Doggy Paddle, while also admitting that the widely-circulated photo of a much younger-looking puppy was released simply because "that dog is simply a better representation of the adorable, photogenic dogs we have here in China."

Bela Karyoli immediately disputed China's claim on network television, hollering that the Olympic age limits "ARE NOT TO BE COUNTED LIKE IN DOG YEARS, IS BULLSHIT" over and over, until the network had no choice but to re-air some women's beach volleyball footage with Michael Phelps' face digitally imposed over the athletes' faces.

NBC was further criticized when its photographers, using new zoom lenses nicknamed the "Alicia Sacramone Tear Duct Watch 5000," created a mobbed frenzy in their attempts to get close-up shots of Michael Phelps' mom crying at a gas station in the wake of her son's death.

As of this morning, Chris Crocker's "LEAVE MICHAEL PHELPS' MOM ALOOOONE!" video on YouTube threatens to knock "SNEEZING PANDA" as the most-viewed video of all time, and online petitions for denying the rest of the U.S. swim team return entry to the States for "not even TRYING to save that little puppy OMG" have garnered over a million signatures. A nation mourns, indeed.