Michael Phelps, 1985 - 2008

Tragedy struck the games of the XXIX Olympiad this weekend when Michael Phelps, the Greatest Olympian and Athlete and Human Being and Life Form of All Time, drowned during his final Olympic appearance while attempting to save a puppy that had fallen into the pool.

"If there was anything Michael Phelps loved more than swimming, or America, or his mom, it was puppies," announced Bob Costas through tears. "Please tune in tonight when we pre-empt every other Olympic event to bring you a special 24-hour Tribute to a Hero: Michael Phelps: the Michael Phelps Story: Heart of Gold: Triumph and Tragedy: Michael Mothereffing Phelps. Live tonight on NBC."

The tragedy means controversy has again struck the Olympics, with much speculation as to how and why the puppy got into the pool in the first place, with Chinese officials claiming that the dog Phelps rescued was actually 16 years old and had every right to compete in the 100M Doggy Paddle, while also admitting that the widely-circulated photo of a much younger-looking puppy was released simply because "that dog is simply a better representation of the adorable, photogenic dogs we have here in China."

Bela Karyoli immediately disputed China's claim on network television, hollering that the Olympic age limits "ARE NOT TO BE COUNTED LIKE IN DOG YEARS, IS BULLSHIT" over and over, until the network had no choice but to re-air some women's beach volleyball footage with Michael Phelps' face digitally imposed over the athletes' faces.

NBC was further criticized when its photographers, using new zoom lenses nicknamed the "Alicia Sacramone Tear Duct Watch 5000," created a mobbed frenzy in their attempts to get close-up shots of Michael Phelps' mom crying at a gas station in the wake of her son's death.

As of this morning, Chris Crocker's "LEAVE MICHAEL PHELPS' MOM ALOOOONE!" video on YouTube threatens to knock "SNEEZING PANDA" as the most-viewed video of all time, and online petitions for denying the rest of the U.S. swim team return entry to the States for "not even TRYING to save that little puppy OMG" have garnered over a million signatures. A nation mourns, indeed.

Comments

[Martha]

Huh. I know this is a total joke and all, but I'm kinda not seeing the funny in it...then again, I'm only on my first cup of coffee and still trying to digest Page Six's "rape Blind Item" I read from Jezebel.

Plus. Michael Phelps IS my secret babymomma.

[DianaCLT]

Amalah - have you officially (or unofficially) lost it? Too much olympic viewing (or reading. or hearing) perhaps??? ;)

[Christin]

I think it's hilarious. Go Amalah!!

[SBQ]

Hmmm. While this definitely had some funny parts, like the puppy's age controversy, this just kind of left a vague bad taste in my mouth. Phelps-mania may be a bit out of hand, but I don't think poking fun at it via death was the way to go. Just seems a little harsh. . . (And I usually love your writing, so please know that this is coming from a good place.)

[Sils]

I think it's pretty much brilliant. :)

[April]

Agree with SBQ, I might not have a sense of humor. But the death thing disturbed me a bit.

[BaltimoreGal]

Oh, this is so funny it goes beyond the bounds and becomes... Funneh! I will admit the tagline on twitter was a bit scareh tho.

[kim]

sorry, not funny

[Snarky Amber]

Y'all need to get to the doctor and get your funny bones checked for breaks or sprains, cuz this shit is hilarious.

And I am totally the ultimate authority on what is and is not funny.

[Sunny]

I credit myself having a dark sense of humor, but this is just poor taste.

[christina]

I thought it was hilarious. Amalah, ignore all the naysayers...they wouldn't know funny if it dragged itself into their backyard and drowned in their pool.

[Jennifer]

Ha! I found it funny! The ones that are "not getting it" or "not funny" are also the ones that also doesn't see Michael and a horse has the same face.

BTW, Christina, HAHAHAHAHA!

[Cate]

Yikes.

Is MamaPop the Onion now?

[bbbbbb]

I love Amalah but I think this crosses the line. Not funny.

[ali]

What Baltimoregal said. "Funneh." Although I was scared for a mo'.

[Jen]

This? Is high-quality reading. I laughed a lot.

[JennyM]

I'm glad the ASTDW5K is not aimed at me right now. Good stuff.

[dawn]

Honestly, I read it and immediately felt sick to my stomach, even though in retrospect I should have probably known right away it was funneh. I quickly had to check the news headlines to make sure it wasn't real. I think because MamaPop often does have real news items and has reported real celebrity deaths in the past that I got a bit confused and in all my panic, the joke was lost. I still love you, Amalah, but you gave an old lady a minor heart attack.

[Laura]

A bit upsetting...

[Laurie]

Ditto Jennym

[noholzbarred]

I agree that it sounds just like something from The Onion, which means that it is EXCELLENTLY funny. I especially liked the Karolyi quote. Well done.

[RebeccaB]

Come on people! This is funny. "tear duct watch"... pure comedy gold.

The only people who do not think this is funny have already pre-ordered the Michael Phelps DVD. :)

[Her Bad Mother]

I? Laughed out loud.

[Jenny]

Great summary of the Olympics media coverage. Although I don't know how you understood what Bela said. It is driving me crazy because I really want to hear his perspective. My hubby thinks he's actually the Count from Sesame Street. Every time Bela comes on my husband starts singing "One.......Two......."

[DianaCLT]

Okay - my brain hurts too much to figure it out for myself right now (am nursing a cold, damnit): ASTDW5K...what is this???

Thanks! :)