American Psycho the Musical?

So apparently there is a Broadway adaptation of American Psycho now? Whatever. I'm no Andrew Lloyd Weber, but if I were asked to compile a list of books and movies that would be terrible musical adaptations, I'm pretty sure American Psycho would break my top ten. But then, what do I know about musical theater? I did three years of community theater and had supporting roles in high school musicals, which hardly makes me producer material. I also must concede that Stephen Sondheim made a decent musical about presidential assassins, and Sweeney Todd (stage musical, not movie) is pretty much a masterpiece despite its grim subject matter.

But all that got my brain stirring. See, I am constantly assembling countdown lists in my head, which stems from my obsession with countdown shows on cable. I get so engrossed in these shows, I would probably call in sick if I was in the middle of a really good one, just so I wouldn't have to miss, say, the Top One-Hit Wonder is (in order to save you a sick day, I'll just let you know now that it's "Macarena"). So what movies/books would make the worst Broadway musicals, even if someone as genius as Sondheim penned them? Here is my top five:

5. The Shining

(First off, #5 was going to be Carrie: The Musical, until I did some research and found out THIS ALREADY HAPPENED, and it was, as I would have predicted, a horrendous flop.)

So anyway, The Shining: The Musical. Seriously, can you imagine it? Little dance number with those twins in the hall, singing to Danny to come play with them forever and ever and ever? A rockin' little punk number about how all work and no play makes Jack a dull boy? Perhaps a climactic duet between Wendy and Scatman Crothers about how they're gonna get their heads axed? I would actually totally go see that. However, make no mistake about it  — I'd be stoned like an Old Testament prostitute.

4. Donnie Darko

Oh come on, Snarky, you may be saying. I think Broadway is really ready for a musical about the space-time continuum and a boy who's gonna have a jet engine fall through his roof and kill him! While I love the idea of incorporating Tears for Fears and Duran Duran songs into it, the very idea of a Donnie Darko musical makes me cringe almost as much as when I hear college students talk about Donnie Darko the movie.

3. Requiem for a Dream

I started to elaborate on this one, particularly what the denouement of that would look like, but then I threw up and deleted what I wrote. Sheltering you from the really sick parts of my brain is just one of the many services I provide!

2. My Dinner with Andre

It's impossible to incorporate singing and dance numbers into a script that involves sitting at a table eating dinner and talking about experimental theater and The Little Prince and your weird hallucinations. Insert music, libretto and dancing chorus at your own risk, oh bards of the White Way.

1. Anything by David Lynch

With the exception of The Straight Story, which might by kinda cute as a musical — old man riding his lawn mower across the country — a Lynch movie is the instant recipe for Broadway failure. The Straight Story is sort of that out-of-left-field, mainstream-appeal movie in a body of work otherwise best described as, "uh...WTF?" If The Producers really wanted to make a flop, they should have scrapped "Springtime for Hitler" and dove straight into David Lynch's body of work.

Do not misread me. I have some serious love for David Lynch as a filmmaker. But seriously. Blue Velvet: The Musical? Eraserhead on Stage? That shit would bomb faster than Carrie: The Musical.

Comments

[BaltimoreGal]

Also? Anything by David Cronenberg- I'm especially thinking of Dead Ringers, Crash (NOT the Oscar-winner) and Videodrome.
AAAAAAAAAAA!

[black hockey jesus]

O yeah thanks for those blasted twins right at the top of the click through. I'm damaged goods for 2 months now. Thanks for that.

[Darcey]

Ok, I'm going to have to say it before someone else...

You know what WOULDN'T make a bad musical??

Twilight!!!

Edward on stage, doing his running thing over everyone's heads? Drool.

[Jason]

They have to get Huey Lewis and The News to do the soundtrack.

[bd]

OMIGOD, Baltimoregal, Crash was a sick movie. I had to watch it for an abnormal psych class. It would definitely not make a good musical with all the car wreckage and scars and all...ick.

[libertyy]

What about "Fight Club: The Musical"? Nothing has panned out, but I remember at a book reading of his for "Haunted" that he mentioned that Fox was tossing around the idea. Much later, rumor is that Trent Reznor was interested in doing the music.

Given that Choke has finally made its way onto the big screen after _years_ of rumors that "Invisible Monsters" and "Choke" were to be made into films, I shouldn't be that surprised when "Fight Club: The Musical!" comes to town.

http://www.pastemagazine.com/articles/2008/01/fight-club-musical-in-the-works-possibly-with-tren.html

[BaltimoreGal]

@BD TOTALLY. When the last "Crash" came out I was like "What? They're gonna remake that? That movie was SICK!"
Bright spot? James f'ing Spader. MMMM.

[Sils]

I love Ellis as much as the next reader, but it ... I don't know, having read the book I would not have thought, "This would make a fantastic musical!" Then again, reading Wicked I thought, "Why would anyone turn this into a musical? Ever?" and people seem to love that show.

[jodifur]

Well, we had civil war the musical and titanic the musical so maybe this is the next in incredibly odd musical choices.

[jodifur]

SILS-wicked the musical is night and day from the book. Hated the book, loved the musical.

[Ravenlynne]

HAHA..."Fight Club: The Musical" cracked me up.

FWIW, I thought Sweeney Todd was a terrible idea for a musical, but what do I know?