McCafe Might Suck, But McDonald's Burgers Will Sustain Us Through a Nuclear Holocaust

So, we spent a good bit of time the other day blasting McDonald's latest venture, McCafe, not only for their sexist advertising, but for their crappy coffee. And I now feel closer to all of you because, like me, if there's one thing that you can't stand it's someone besmirching the name of that wonderful substance, coffee.

Now let's turn our attention to McDonald's food, or "food" as the case may be.

Alright, admittedly this is a cheap shot. Is there anyone in the first world who doesn't know that McDonald's food is questionable at best? Nonetheless, this is just too fascinating/horrifying to share.

MamaPop head betch Tracey visited me a few weeks ago and somehow we got to talking about McDonald's. We both fall under the category of "road trippers" when it comes to Mickey D's; we never eat the stuff except for when we're driving a long distance or going on some other kind of trip. Then it's almost a tradition. And we both attested to the initial "Mmmmm...oh my god," satisfaction of that first bite, which is then followed by the, "Ugggghhhhh...oh my god," regret and shame spiral.

"It feels like there's a...like you've eaten..."

"A brick?"

"Yes!"

As it turns out, there may be some serious truth to that brick-eating sensation.

See that picture up top? Looks like two regular old McDonald's hamburgers, right? Well, they are. But the remarkable thing about these hamburgers is that the one on the right was recently purchased in 2008. The burger on the left is from 1996. NINETEEN NINETY SIX. As in, twelve years ago. As in, that burger could have attended my high school reunion with me two years ago. "Oh, yes, this is my burger. We've been together since high school. My burger and me, we've been through a lot together. I'm a little worse for wear but my burger hasn't changed a bit! Doesn't it look great?"

The burger is a prop of Karen Hanrahan, a nutrition consultant, and she uses this burger in classes that she teaches to parents who are looking to make better food choices for their children. Now, lest you think that Karen sprayed this burger with wax or dipped it in rubber or froze it or something, know that she merely keeps it in a plastic container. All other preservation efforts have been solely on the part of the burger itself.

As Karen explains, what McDonald's serves is not food. It's cloned. Or, as my boyfriend Michael Pollan, would call it, an edible food-like substance. Most of what McDonald's serves was created in a lab. Even the taste of a burger was perfected by scientists in white lab coats to recreate the taste and sensation of an actual hamburger.

Now, I'll probably never stop eating McDonald's entirely. Come McRib time and Shamrock Shake time, I am all over that bitch with my guilty pleasure pass. But this image will never leave my mind.

Photo source

Comments

[Suzy Q]

Whaaaaaat?!? For serious that burger us from 1996? Ugh.

I stopped eating McDonald's a few years ago, not that I was ever a big consumer. That brick-in-the-stomach feeling just wasn't...such a good feeling anymore. This just grosses me out.

[Karen]

We stopped eating at Burger King (which is just as guilty as McD's) a long time ago, when both my husband and I realized that when we ate there, we ended up feeling like snakes that had swallowed an animal too large to digest. A very salty animal, because we were always gulping water like crazy afterwards. I'm guessing salt is a major preservative in all the fast food crap.

The kids behave much better when they're not eating that junk.

[Sils]

If I hadn't been a vegetarian before I read Fast Food Nation I would have been after, I encourage people to read it just so they can understand what they're eating... exactly. So gross.

That's terrifying. McD's burgers have a longer shelf life than Twinkies...

[sweetney]

Oh my god, that's horrifying. Words fail.

[Snarky Amber]

Oh god. OH GOD. No wonder I can't poop after I eat there on the rare occasions I do. [/overshare]

[michele]

the real sick part to me--the one on the left looks better than the one on the right.

[ali]

I don't think I've had McDonald's since I read "The Omnivore's Dilemma" (Pollan, but you probably knew that, since you're dating him and all. What does his wife think about that, hm?)

Could never bring myself to read Fast Food Nation, though. *shudder*

[LauraJT77]

SnarkyAmber..I thought it was not an overshare (however this is comming from the person who's favorite book is everyone poops) and FYI, they have the opposite effect on me.

[DQFSS!]

This is quite disturbing.

But not as disturbing as my inexplicable urge to now drive to nearest McyD's, gobble down a cheeseburger Happy Meal, and ponder its lab simulated foodstuffness. Ewwww. WTF is wrong with me?

[Maxine Dangerous]

AUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGH!!!

[mj]

I can't be the only person that likes McDonald's coffee, and the iced coffee? so good. Starbucks roasts are too dark/burnt for me and independent shops aren't always available!

[Georgia]

I get a craving for a double cheeseburger every now and then (like today at lunch, for example)...plus I wouldn't have half as many readers of my blog if it weren't for the McNuggitini, so I can't hate McDonalds as much as I would like to.

[Tracy]

Yes. Fast Food Nation is a great, informative and eye-opening book. I have lost my copy after lending it out so many times to people who have never consumed McDonald's again. (We are, I admit, still road-trip Mickey D eaters, to my infinite shame.)

[Barbara]

I get the desserts, but I'm not trying to fool myself into believing that it's food, just a treat. I do not feed my kids that crap, but my husband introduced our kids to it, and one of my daughters LOVES their cheeseburgers and that is my go-to bribe with her. I may have to revisit that decision.

[brandi]

I am so fascinated by this. How is the bun not moldy? It's insane.

[emily]

this is perhaps the most disturbing thing I've seen in a while.

and by the way, I actually just said to my husband today "we need to swear off any and all fast food. it's just gross to put that in our bodies."
then I read this (un)tasty little tidbit and the thought of ever eating the fast food again makes me vom a little in my mouth.

[sassystitcher]

Another thing to keep the McDonald's away? Sit and watch Supersize Me. Um, severe liver problems with eating nothing but McD's for a month? Insanity. I didn't go for at least a year and a half after seeing that movie. I will admit to falling off the wagon since then, but after reading some of your boyfriend's book and just generally trying to not feel like I need to vomit or poop a brick, I stopped again. There one *right* outside of work and yeah, it's convenient, and yeah, the smell is heavenly when you're trapped on the elevator with it. But then I think about how I'll feel after and I cross the street the other way and go get a salad at the grocery salad bar. Ugh. It's sad that something so cheap and so initially tasty has to be so crappy.

[Hilary]

I just saw that burger-prop the other day in a link on twitter. And it's just as upsetting the second time around. I admit to thinking their fries are OMG SO GOOD but I try hard to avoid them as I know they are not food but "food." Ick.

[tifRN]

well, i'll confess that i'm obsessed with the lips and assholes that are their mcnuggets. mmmmm mcnuggets. but that burger shit is horrifying.

[Stacie]

I really miss the cellulose McDonald's shakes. They would never melt. Ahh...the good old days. :)

[michele]

I too reserve McD's for road trips mostly because the burgers stick together like glue - they are the least messy to eat with one hand on the wheel! Probably not the best reason!

Have you ever found a McD french fry in your car months after a road trip? It looks exactly the same!

[jacki]

I had a McDonald's "accident" yesterday. The fries were stone cold and undercooked. It was awful...and yet, I'm sure I'll be back again someday, against my better judgement. Aieieieieii!!!

[Robyn G]

I would vote for Michael Pollan for President. I'm in the middle of "In Defense Of Food" right now.

Going to try much, much harder to stop my family's addiction to fast food.

[sophisticatedlady]

Apparently, no one really read the blog. It's full of bad science, faulty information, and wrong facts.
Miss Hanrahan has no actual credentials - she works selling vitamins. She bought the burger 12 years ago, put the burger on a plate separated from the bun and sat it in her cupboard for a year (what a nut case).

Of course it didn't get moldy - the bread got stale and the burger dried out. Had she put it in the plastic container immediately, it would have gotten moldy from the moisture.

I can assure you - if you take an organic hamburger and bun, let them sit on a shelf for a year - they will look the same.

Everyone realizes fast food isn't great - but drying out a burger and bun isn't rocket science and really proves nothing.