Oh, BEHAVE, Writers!

Let's talk about writers, shall we? Those hedonistic, mad, bad and dangerous to know boys and girls who write from the gut, who drink and drug and have loads of sex, and write delicious tomes when they are not engaging in naughty activities or passed out on their quills. Of course, I'm not talking about the sainted betches and bestards at MamaPop. We're all perfect ladies and gentlemen. Snort.

Well, writers, the little baby Jeebus better help you if you write children's books.

Random House has put a clause in their manifesto contract for children's book authors that says:

If you act or behave in a way which damages your reputation as a person suitable to work with or be associated with children, and consequently the market for or value of the work is seriously diminished, and we may (at our option) take any of the following actions: Delay publication / Renegotiate advance / Terminate the agreement.

Daaaaaamn. So celeb children's book writers like Madonna (self-explanatory,) or the British "personality" Jordan (Playboy Playmate,) Jamie Lee Curtis (showed her boobies a lot in her films,) or even Lewis freaking Carroll (enjoyed the younger ladies) would be in breach of contract for writing children's books and not behaving like saints, eh? And let's not even get into clauses the mommy bloggers/book authors will perhaps someday endure if they (GASP!) write about having the occasional cocktail or talk about how their children sometimes act like they've been sent by Lucifer himself. Unacceptable. Breech of contract.

Of course, the great unsaid in all of this is that most children's book writers are women. This smacks to me of yet another example of "If you possess ladyparts, you better be on your best behavior. Or else? Smiting." Think of the children, you silly wimmins!

Of course, this is utter crap. Writers are not their work. If I write a children's book and it doesn't contain anything offensive (because, you know, it's a CHILDREN'S BOOK,) what the hell does it matter what I do in my spare time? I could be sacrificing chipmunks to the dark lord and mainlining diesel fuel on the weekends and it matters not a whit if I'm also writing age appropriate books for kids.

So shame on you, Random House. A clause in a contract threatening writers to ackrite is not only Orwellian, it's insulting. You, contract writers, are ON NOTICE. Perhaps it's you that better straighten up and fly right, you condescending control freaks.

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