Don't Worry America - Our Next President Will Not Be A Movie President

My fellow Americans, as we near the end of the Bush Era and prepare to usher in the (INSERT OBAMA/MCCAIN/PAUL/NADER/BARR/STEWART/COLBERT/BILL THE CAT 'N OPUS/KODOS/KANG HERE) Era, I wanted to speak with you about the political division that has gripped our nation. This site has not been immune to the passionate, heated, and sometimes rancorous debate over both major party candidates. But on November 5th, we will all wake up with a collective hangover, be it celebratory or humiliating defeat-a-tory, and we will face a future under the leadership of, depending on who you believe, a terrorist Commie sleeper agent or a dementia-addled Fascist puppet warmonger.

So in that spirit, I wanted to remind each and every one of you that a) we are all Americans and b) no matter how completely inept and ridiculous our Real Life Presidents can be, Hollywood's Chief Executives are much, much worse. Democrats and Republicans disagree on many things, but we can agree that if any of the following were presidents in real life, today we'd all be hiding out in the Colorado mountains with Patrick Swayze and C. Thomas Howell, spending our days spray-painting "Wolverines" on the burned-out remains of Soviet tanks.

President Jack Nicholson: Jack's single term in the White House was an unmitigated disaster. Not because of the fact that under his watch, Martians invaded the Earth, killed a bunch of people in nasty ways and blew up a bunch of shit. No, his Presidency was a disaster because really, how is it possible to make a bad movie with President Jack Nicholson battling psychotic Martians? My dog could write that script and it would be awesome! President Jack, don't blame your Chief of Staff, Tim Burton. The buck stops with you, sir.

President John Travolta: President John Travolta came from a small Southern state, and used his folksy charm and magnetic personality to charm voters across the country; indeed, many pundits and observers drew parallels between him and JFK. Like JFK, President John Travolta brought youthful energy to the Oval Office. And like JFK, President John Travolta got more ass than the front row seats on Space Mountain. Sex scandals would eventually be President John Travolta's undoing. (Pshaw. Like any of that could really happen in the real world.)

President Ronald Reagan Lookalike from Superman II. It's been said that Jimmy Carter was a really bright guy who surrounded himself with dummies, and Ronald Reagan was a fairly bright guy who surrounded himself with really bright guys. Which begs the question: Jesus, President Ronald Reagan Lookalike from Superman II! These guys start tear-assing around the White House, and you don't think to call somebody and have 'em fetch some kryptonite?

President Morgan Freeman: So let me get this straight. There's a giant comet heading towards Earth, you have a year to figure out how to stop the thing, and you pick 100-year old Robert Duvall and Mikey the Loser from Swingers to blow it up? EPIC FAIL. No wonder President Billy Bob Thornton won the next election; he was smart enough to hire Bruce Willis, Ben Affleck and Steve Buscemi to blow up the other giant comet that was going to wipe out humanity. (That, plus Morgan Freeman's gaffe wiped out a shitload of Blue States. Billy Bob's definitely a NASCAR Dad.)

Finally, our worst Movie President, President Harrison Ford. Now, during this campaign season, we've heard a lot about the value of Experience. But as President Harrison Ford shows us, experience is not all it's cracked up to be. Here we have a president who's battled Nazis, Thuggee death cultists, Russians, Imperial stormtroopers, androids who look and act exactly like humans, Jabba the Hutt's bounty hunters, and the Amish (scratch that - he didn't actually fight the Amish in Witness. My bad.) And yet he lets Evil Gary Oldman on board Air Force One? Now, I realize that this all went down before 9/11, when the security at your local stripmall was tighter than the security at the airport, and I'm a staunch opponent of any kind of profiling, but would you let sweaty, shifty-eyed goateed Gary Oldman and his gang of sinister trenchcoat-wearing hoodlums and their large ominous carrying cases ("Is camera! Is not semi-automatic AK-47 with silencer and...how do you say...30 round magazines?") on board your plane?

Needless to say, all of these clowns would have been impeached faster than a popular sitting Democratic president who lied to a Republican congress about getting a hummer from his intern. And rightfully so. So remember, America - regardless of who you vote for, be glad that at least it'll be a few years before President Camacho takes office.