Fake Babies: What Ever Happened To Just Getting a Cat?

As one of the few single, childless members of MamaPop, I have a tendency to look at other people's children and become ridiculously incoherent as my biological clock ticks like Big Ben. I talk to my cats, I practically drool over infants, I adore goofing around with kids and demanding of them why they don't have jobs. And don't tell me "because I'm three," that's no excuse. I love kids. Love em! But I will NOT be buying a creepy doll and pretending it is a real, live child.

But there are women who do. And to say they make me uncomfortable would be a GRAVE understatement.

The British documentary "My Fake Baby," which can be seen on BBC America, explores the phenomenon of women who purchase disturbingly lifelike baby dolls, dress them up, buy them car seats and strollers, and carry them around as if they were real. Grown women. Pretending DOLLS are BABIES.

Behold as Matt Lauer tries to not run screaming:

I won't lie, it took me several tries to get through that video, as I was squirming so violently I almost fell off the couch. For one thing, the dolls do not look like real babies. They look like DOLLS. Because they ARE DOLLS. Creepy, perhaps DEMONIC ALIEN DOLLS. And I've seen the "Talky Tina" episode of The Twilight Zone enough times to know that lifelike dolls are EVIL. I love babies, and look forward to the day when I have my own, but if one of those dolls was in my house, I would never sleep again, lest it slither onto my chest and steal my breath as I slumbered.

Now, I joke, but watching the video, I found myself twinged with sympathy and a little sadness for these women who obviously yearn to be mothers, so much so that they devote themselves to (THOUSAND DOLLAR) plastic replicas of infants. And if carting around the Son of Chucky in a Snugli fills that yearning? Well, the best to them. At least these babies will never crap in those designer baby clothes or need braces for their demon fangs teeth or want to go to Evil Clown College Harvard. But I assure you, I have never felt so relieved that the extent of my baby-fever is writing blog entries in the guise of my cat.

I mean, it's a slippery slope, people.

I'm just sayin'.

Comments

[Sarah, Goon Squad Sarah]

Duuuuuuuude. Creepy.

[Karen]

Sweet. Fancy. Moses. That is just terrifying. Not just the realistic nature of the dolls, but the women's attitude: "It's the perfect baby. Doesn't outgrow clothes, doesn't soil them..." Dear. God.

I thought grown women collecting Barbie dolls was weird. Not anymore. They seem downright normal now.

[Missie]

It could take a while to sort out all the different levels of wrong here.

[lolismum]

Holy Crap. I may never sleep again. Those life like dolls are giving me goosebumps. Oh my word.

[Kathy]

Um, that's just a tad creepy. I had a great-aunt who had a room just for dolls, which, in fact, she did call "her babies." (She also had a wall of photos dedicated to every dog she had -- and had put down-- since childhood.)

Again, creepy. (Hope it's not inheritable -- says the woman who carries on full conversations with her cat, too.)

[Elizabeth]

That show was on BBC last night. What I found saddest of all was the lady who sent her doll back because there was a tiny crack in it. She wasn't sending it back because it needed fixing, she was sending it back because she "strives for perfection whenever possible and the doll wasn't perfect". I think it's a good thing she never had a baby of her own because she would have never been able to handle the bumps and bruises and scratches and stickiness.

[Sarah]

I know one of these women....and she disturbs me beyond belief. Especially since she works in our nursery at church with real babies and I swear to you she is nicer to her "real" babies than she is to the REAL ones in there. Woman gives me the heebejeebies but she hates me because I, unlike everyone else, will not play into this bizarre delusion, and refuse to act like whichever doll she's carrying that day is a real child. Not gonna do it. Nope.

[Dorene - Occasional Rambling]

I worked at K-Mart in high school and we had this one MALE customer who always came in wearing his doll in some sort of baby bjorn type thing. I could never make eye contact. Too creeped out.

[Amalah]

Ay. Yi. Fucking. Yi.

[DC Urban Dad]

I saw this segment and had to turn off the TV and get out of the room. That ain't right.

[Kristen]

All I can bring myself to say is that I am so happy for the orphans of the world that these nut jobs aren't spending their thousands of dollars trying to adopt real children.

[kdiddy]

well, the one woman talking to Matt Lauer had a two-year-old daughter, which made it all the weirder. I mean, I guess it's fun to play dollies with Mom and have her be TOTALLY into it, but I wonder if she ever eschews her actual kid for her perpetual baby.

One of them made the point that it's like grown men who are train enthusiasts and spend most of their time working on their miniature trains. I just don't know.

Ultimately, they're not hurting anyone so, you know, whatever. But it's really fascinating. It's like they have an addiction to nurturing infants but only in an idealized state (they don't cry, poop, barf, wake up at 1, 1:30, 2, 2:30, 2:38...).

[AmyC65]

Me thinks Sharon Stone should have gotten one of these 8 yrs ago. Their feet never stink.

[sweetney]

oh god, i can't even watch that video -- reading this was way more than enough. UGH.

[Marmite Breath]

I watched My Fake Baby a few months ago and remember calling my Mum and screeching, "You have to see this! It's CRAZY!"

I made fun of all the women in the documentary (especially the one who went all the way to America to pick up and bond with her new "daughter" and then sent her back when she was busted) but I did find it a bit heartbreaking to watch the lady who had a baby made in her grandson's likeness. I mean, weird, yes, but her story was very sad to me.

[Sils]

This has LifeTime movie written allllllll over it.

Also? Sounds like a good way to ensure you'll never have a real baby - ifyaknowwhatImean.

[Karen]

AmyC65--Oh, snap! Good one.

[April]

Dude.

Also single / child-free here, and I politely request that if I EVER do something so patently creepy, y'all please put me out of my misery.

'Cause...wow.

[Allison]

I was too freaked out to watch the "My Fake Baby" thing, but in John Waters' "This Dirty World" he talks about having a fake baby named Bill. I'll always think of him when I hear about these fake babies.

[Kate]

Dolls are creepy, scary, and wrong. The only dolls I can even abide are Barbies, because they are so patently fake. Bratz are just crackwhore versions of Barbies.

But dolls - with eyes - that blink? And teeth? OMFG - makes me cover my eyes and hum to myself - better to block out the visuals. Same goes for puppets, marionettes, clowns, and - well, stuff like that.

So people who carry them around and stuff? Just - gah.

[Bridget]

creepy creepy creepy

[BlackEyedGurl]

My best friend makes these dolls for those psychos. You have no idea how creepy they are in person. I mean CREEPY. I've had to sleep in a room full of their heads and I am always convinced that they are going to suck out my soul while I sleep.

She makes really good money making them though, and she also makes special needs babies (like babies with hearing aids, cleft palates, conjoined twins) and often times parents buy those for their children so they have a doll that looks like them.

Regardless these people are freaks! They are on the opposite end of the spectrum from the "Love Me, Love My Doll" sex doll fuckers.

[To Think Is To Create]

So very creepy, but honestly, I felt mostly sad for those women. And also that they were totally lying when they told Matt they don't go out pretending they are real and don't really talk to them. YEAH RIGHT.

[Gray Matter]

Reborns? Is there anything more Aldous Huxley than that? Hmmmm. I'm trying to decide. Creepy, or the creepiest thing ever.
Although I don't even like stuffed animals so...

[Diane]

Blackeyedgirl - You slept in a room WITH THEIR HEADS? I would have rather slept in the bathtub. You are a brave soul.

That's neat that she makes the special needs dolls. It seems like that could be a real comfort to a child.