Scary Movie Guide, Part I: The Beginning

As Halloween draws closer, the husband and I have been gorging ourselves on scary movies every weekend. I did a Scary Movie Guide last year and had so much fun with it, that I decided to revive it this year. See what horror awaits you....

Making a reappearance from last year's guide is Satan's Little Helper. The husband is still convinced that this is one of the greatest horror movies ever while I just kind of hate it and I think that's mostly because of the little boy who is kind of the lead. He just sucks. His character was a fucking idiot and the kid who played him could not act at all. I realize these are both very common things in horror movies, but I could not handle his level of worthlessness.

However, if you are looking for something that is just completely gratuitous in its gore, paper-thin plot, and stupidity, then this is a good pick.

Ah, John Carpenter. My BFF. Imagine being stuck in a research facility in Antartica (before the internet) for a long, horrendous winter and then realizing that someone in your crew has been infected with some alien thing and intends to eat everyone and then infect the whole world. Bummer, right? But I'm telling you, I always want Kurt Russell around in any kind of potential apocalyptic situation. Dude is hardcore. While the rest of the pansy scientists are bundled up in parkas and snowsuits, Kurt Russell sticks with cargo pants and a leather jacket and insulates himself with some J&B. The Thing is awesome. Also, check out the little "making of" featurette on the DVD. Very interesting.

In high school and college, one of my favorite late-night weekend activities was watching MonsterVision with Joe Bob Briggs. He always showed the best movies and his dry, classy redneck commentary was always hilarious and insightful, especially when he gave viewers an official count of how many bare breasts were in a movie. Now he often provides introductions and commentary on classic B-movie DVDs, including a forgotten gem called Hell High. As Briggs explains, Hell High was released in 1989 and marketed as a teen slasher flick, but unfortunately came at the end of the teen slasher craze of the 1970s and 1980s and completely flopped. However, Hell High was actually one of the best movies to come out of that particular genre. I'll have to expand on this mini-review next week, because it was late and I fell asleep kind of early on.

I bought Freaks a year ago and we never got around to watching it until a few nights ago. The husband had resisted because he has trouble getting into really old movies, but I told him that I had heard from practically everyone who had ever seen it that it was awesome.

Holy shit. Freaks is AMAZING. It refers to itself as a morality film, showing that outer beauty can often hide inner hideousness. The initial shock and discomfort that you feel when you first see the people that make up the sideshow in a travelling carnival is quickly transferred to the "normal" people who prey on them. Truly, the most disgusting elements of humanity are not the physical deformities that it creates, but the twisted greed of its more successful members. Powerful stuff, indeed. And the classic, "We accept her! One of us!" chant is possibly one of the greatest moments in cinema and the revenge of the freaks is more powerful and haunting than I could have imagined.

Okay. Eraserhead isn't exactly a horror or a Halloween movie, but it's weird and disturbing as shit and I think it's perfect for this creepy time of year. It's about...um...well...See, there's this guy, okay? And he has this girlfriend, kinda, and they have a baby, kinda...And then there's girl with these cheeks who, I think, lives in the guy's radiator...And this other girl...And there's lots of pipes...and an eraser factory...And a symbolic castration? I don't know. Depending on what mood you're in, David Lynch's classic could either be loaded with symbolism or completely nonsensical. In either case, the mood and ambiance can't be denied and Lynch is a master at making his audience just feel. Feel what, exactly? Who knows. But it's truly an awesome experience that everyone should have at least once.

Check back next Monday for some more of my picks!

Comments

[Sils]

I stand by my "The original Black Christmas is one of the best frigging movies of all time!" stance. I love it, so much.

I'm totally addicted to Horror movies though. I also like the old Tourist Trap.

[Tracy]

Hah. We did a mini-marathon Saturday night of "The Happening", "Rosemary's Baby", and...uh...shoot...another "scary" movie that wasn't very scary. None of them were.

My friend and I are huge horror movie buffs, but agree the only movie that has ever really scared us is The Exorcist. SO - any recommendations on something TRULY scary are very welcome!

[Suzy Q]

The original "Alien" scared the living shit out of me when it first came out. Had to see it twice!

[Kathy]

I LOVE Freaks! I first "discovered" it in Stephen King's Danse Macbre years ago.

There's an old, old documentary on witchcraft called Haxan that's shown every few months on either IFC or Sundance that's creepy, but arty. Not scary, but cool nonetheless if you like old movies.

[sweetney]

dudes, "Suspiria". Look into it.

agree with Suzy Q about Alien as well. (shudder)

[Alison]

I had never heard of "Freaks" until my mohter in law told me about it. Her father worked for the movie studio that produced it, and she inherited a complete set of still photographs of the cast. I love that its message is still relevant, all these years later.

[Snarky Amber]

YES, Sweetney. SUSPIRIA. Fucking awesome.

[Karen]

LOVE Freaks. Especially that Tod Browning had the cojones to hire real, actual, circus performers to play the "freaks". I've read all about them and their biographies; some are very sad, some are inspiring.

Leslie Fiedler wrote a great book (now out of print, check your library) called _Freaks_, but it's not about the movie, it's about freaks in history and literature. Wonderful book and I kick myself daily that I sold it back in my post-grad days.

[Karen]

Oh, and Pet Sematary--for me, one of the most disturbing, frightening movies ever. I had to watch half of it through my fingers, especially the scenes with Zelda. Holy crap.

[kdiddy]

oh, Suspiria fucking owns. I totally gushed over it in my guide last year, and I imagine we'll be viewing it again this year.

[Martha]

I think the only movie I remember scaring me was Event Horizon...

[bd]

I didnt know that Satans Little Helper made it on screen. They filmed the movie in my neighbor's house, er, mansion. The flood lights were blazing for days, er, nights while they were filming. Thanks for the info!

The suspense/crazy-weird movies always disturb me more than the slasher ones, like Willard with Crispin Glover. Thanks for the post. I cannot believe I havent seen ANY of the movies on this list.

[LauraJT77]

This year my movies will be as follows: The Exorcist (always the Exorcist), Misery (Kathy Bates scares the living shit out of me...you dirty bird), The Shining (classic...where else will you see a river of blood flowing through a hotel hallway?), and The Exorcism of Emily Rose (Jennifer Carpenter is freakin amazing..123456!).

[Darcey]

Poltergeist actually scared me when I was a little kid. Hearing "Carol Anne" whispered still sends shivers down my spine.

[Sils]

Did anyone else see the poster for the remake of Friday the 13th?

Is anyone else kind of peeved about it?

[sweetney]

okay, i'm going to admit it here: The Blair Witch Project scared the ever lovin' CRAP out of me. like, really bad and stuff. don't hate me.

[Sils]

Sweetney, it didn't scare me until after the movie -- when I was in my sister's basement guest room in the middle of the woods next to a lake. Then it scared the ever loving crap out of me.

Also? How did we miss the Ring? i couldn't be in a room alone with a VCR for months.

[Peanut Butter]

Freaks is not really that kind of movie. It's sort of an Indy social expression. You have got to see it. I think everyone should see it. It is like the complete opposite of what a snob would want to think or see. Nobody really knows what beautiful is until they have to confront the truly ugly. Anyways one movie that really did scare me was Phantoms. A really funny B-movie horror flick is Killer Condom if you can find it and it is brought to us by the infamous Troma group and they have some really funny stuff like the Toxic Avenger and things that you have to have a particular taste for. Movies do not really freak me out except after I watch those ghost hunter shows I do get a little weird about shadows.

[BaltimoreGal]

Freaks scares me, and I love it. Did you know Johnny Eck (Half-Boy) was from Baltimore?

Also, Blair Witch didn't scare me in the theatre (too busy being nauseous) except for that part at the end. But when I had to drive through Burkittesville alone one time you'd better believe I was scared.