Scary Movie Guide, Part I: The Beginning

As Halloween draws closer, the husband and I have been gorging ourselves on scary movies every weekend. I did a Scary Movie Guide last year and had so much fun with it, that I decided to revive it this year. See what horror awaits you....

Making a reappearance from last year's guide is Satan's Little Helper. The husband is still convinced that this is one of the greatest horror movies ever while I just kind of hate it and I think that's mostly because of the little boy who is kind of the lead. He just sucks. His character was a fucking idiot and the kid who played him could not act at all. I realize these are both very common things in horror movies, but I could not handle his level of worthlessness.

However, if you are looking for something that is just completely gratuitous in its gore, paper-thin plot, and stupidity, then this is a good pick.

Ah, John Carpenter. My BFF. Imagine being stuck in a research facility in Antartica (before the internet) for a long, horrendous winter and then realizing that someone in your crew has been infected with some alien thing and intends to eat everyone and then infect the whole world. Bummer, right? But I'm telling you, I always want Kurt Russell around in any kind of potential apocalyptic situation. Dude is hardcore. While the rest of the pansy scientists are bundled up in parkas and snowsuits, Kurt Russell sticks with cargo pants and a leather jacket and insulates himself with some J&B. The Thing is awesome. Also, check out the little "making of" featurette on the DVD. Very interesting.

In high school and college, one of my favorite late-night weekend activities was watching MonsterVision with Joe Bob Briggs. He always showed the best movies and his dry, classy redneck commentary was always hilarious and insightful, especially when he gave viewers an official count of how many bare breasts were in a movie. Now he often provides introductions and commentary on classic B-movie DVDs, including a forgotten gem called Hell High. As Briggs explains, Hell High was released in 1989 and marketed as a teen slasher flick, but unfortunately came at the end of the teen slasher craze of the 1970s and 1980s and completely flopped. However, Hell High was actually one of the best movies to come out of that particular genre. I'll have to expand on this mini-review next week, because it was late and I fell asleep kind of early on.

I bought Freaks a year ago and we never got around to watching it until a few nights ago. The husband had resisted because he has trouble getting into really old movies, but I told him that I had heard from practically everyone who had ever seen it that it was awesome.

Holy shit. Freaks is AMAZING. It refers to itself as a morality film, showing that outer beauty can often hide inner hideousness. The initial shock and discomfort that you feel when you first see the people that make up the sideshow in a travelling carnival is quickly transferred to the "normal" people who prey on them. Truly, the most disgusting elements of humanity are not the physical deformities that it creates, but the twisted greed of its more successful members. Powerful stuff, indeed. And the classic, "We accept her! One of us!" chant is possibly one of the greatest moments in cinema and the revenge of the freaks is more powerful and haunting than I could have imagined.

Okay. Eraserhead isn't exactly a horror or a Halloween movie, but it's weird and disturbing as shit and I think it's perfect for this creepy time of year. It's about...um...well...See, there's this guy, okay? And he has this girlfriend, kinda, and they have a baby, kinda...And then there's girl with these cheeks who, I think, lives in the guy's radiator...And this other girl...And there's lots of pipes...and an eraser factory...And a symbolic castration? I don't know. Depending on what mood you're in, David Lynch's classic could either be loaded with symbolism or completely nonsensical. In either case, the mood and ambiance can't be denied and Lynch is a master at making his audience just feel. Feel what, exactly? Who knows. But it's truly an awesome experience that everyone should have at least once.

Check back next Monday for some more of my picks!