From the WTF Files: Téa Leoni Dumps David Duchovny for Billy-Bob Thornton

After 9 years of marriage, two kids, and sex addiction rehab, Téa Leoni and David Duchovny are entering Divorce City, Population 2309482304459, after some "explicit text messages" from Billy Bob Thornton.

If you are reading this news for the first time, you may have had one or two reactions just now, in no particular order:

1) Wait, what?

and/or

2) Ew.

Yeah, well, we all thought those crazy kids were making it work until recently, but according to the always anonymous "sources close to the couple", they have been living separately for a while now. While I'm of course shocked that women continue to have sex with Billy Bob Thornton, I'm largely unfazed by the Duchovny/Leoni divorce. Maybe it's because they always seemed like a mismatched pair to me?

Like, remember when David Duchovny dated and married Téa Leoni? And you were all like, "Her? Huh!" ? I mean, it wasn't exactly a Julia Roberts/Lyle Lovett thing, and it's certainly not that there's anything wrong with Téa, per se.  But she had that quirky failed sitcom that I had to Google to even remember the title and plot (Thank you, IMDB!), and was in the less popular of two movies about meteors that came out within months of each other, whereas Duchovny was Fox Motherfucking Mulder.* Plus, dude almost got a PhD in literature from Yale, while Téa dropped out of Sarah Lawrence as an undergrad. And they don't even really have grades there.† What I'm getting at, while sounding like a total asshole, is they seemed like an odd pair, and maybe that's just me who thinks that. Whatever.

But you know what sounds like a much more mismatched, odd pair to 9 out of 10 Americans? Billy Bob Thornton and Téa Leoni. Or, really, Billy Bob and ALMOST ANYONE IN THE WORLD, EVER.

No, really, if I named the five guys in Hollywood that are way too creepy by sane persons' standards to fuck, that list would necessarily include Billy Bob (and Crispin Glover. Hands down, number one creepiest. But I don't even think he has the human parts necessary for sex with us earth people, so it's probably moot).

I look at Billy Bob and I immediately want a shower, and I don't mean a cold one. I mean a very hot one that will burn the unclean off, accompanied by some bleach and a loofah.

However, despite being five times divorced and always managing to appear a bit like someone you'd see on a list of sex offenders, this guy has managed to nab some very fine ladies, including the once freaky, now Supreme Earth Mother Goddess, Angelina Jolie. I am so beyond perplexed that I no longer merely seek answers. I demand them. I want to know why this guy is always swimming in poon. Can someone please tell me? Does he have a special move, like on that Seinfeld episode? Is he a killer chef? What is it?!

On a more serious note, Duchovny and Leoni have two young kids together, and it's always very sad when families split, so my thoughts go out to the little guys. Especially since everyone in the world, classmates included, now knows that their mom gets naughty texts from this dude:

Yeah, I'm gonna go take that shower now.

 

 

* I do completely realize that, with the exception of X-Files, Twin Peaks and Californication, his career isn't anything to applaud, but I defy you to name one movie Tèa Leoni was in that wasn't, at best, forgettable and, at worst, tear-your-eyes-out bad.

† Hey, before you even trip about me making fun of interdisciplinary liberal arts colleges that dont' use letter grades, I go to one, so it's okay if I make fun of them.

Comments

[FM]

So John Ritter, (R.I.P.) was heard to have told Leslie Jordan that when he was working a movie with Billy Bob ("Hearts Aflame") that he got a glimpse of Billy Bob's "rope" and that Jordan would have fallen in love with him on the spot. Methinks Jack Ritter would have been able to appreciate such Milton Berlish qualities. Mystery solved.

And if he knew how to use it, and was skillful in other ways - well then - we can understand how Sling Blade is scoring again and again.

Sorry you may need to shower again.

[Sils]

Okay, so ... I have literally nothing to add to this of merit because I'm sitting here making a lot of Huuuuuurrrrr, Durrrrrruhhhhh... noises in my head. I... I... don't... it hurts. The man is afraid of antiques!

Although, surely Christopher Walken out creeps Crispin? He's the sort that you cross the street to avoid sharing a sidewalk with.

[FM]

Okay - I've been posting way too much I'm sure and no one wants to hear my drivel.. You want to make fun of Crispin Glover (okay but he did punch out Biff! - that's a plus) but WAIT dontcha be making fun of my fellow Astorian - Christopher Walken..

Don't you think he would be extremely fun to hang out with? Have you seen him dance, or an SNL? The guy is a riot!

Okay - back to the topic at hand.. I found this little ditty on someone's blog from August.. seems like Billy was possibly working against Fox Mulder's love interest for a bit now:

"Monday was Billy's birthday, and he invited us to come over to Memphis for a big party and recording session at Sun Studios. In true rock 'n' fashion, it turned out to be an epic, all-night affair. At 5 o'clock the next morning he enlisted us to join the band in the studio to sing backup on the song they were cutting, TWO WEEKS NOTICE.

The band cut their parts for the song one by one throughout the evening, but Billy wanted to wind up the session with a big live version featuring the whole band and all the friends who showed up for the party. The live version will be a bonus cut on the next Boxmasters CD.

Anita and I shared vocal mikes with Billy Bob, his friend Tea Leoni (who hung in with us the whole night), Phoebe Lewis (Jerry Lee's daughter) and members of the tour crew. It was a delightfully psychotronic experience.

Billy told us, "I need all of you to sound like a bunch of drunk people having a great time singing!" -- and I think we truly rose to the occasion, even though I was stone cold sober the whole night."

[Karen]

Eeewwwwww. Ew.

I watched "The Astronaut Farmer", to the end, primarily because it WAS SO BAD and I really wanted to see Billy Bob crash to the ground in flames, because his character was a selfish prick and had been so insensitive as to name one of the daughters in the movie STANLEY.

The whole time we were watching that movie, my husband was groaning, "Dear GOD, why are we watching this?"

I said, "Because I want to see Billy Bob die in a firey rocket inferno."

Sadly, he didn't. Damn Hollywood and their happy endings!

[Sils]

p.s. Even if we suppose that Duchovny cheated on her in his sex addict hey days -- why would you leave him for another cheater? I mean, Billy Bob has a history of infidelity... my brain... it's going to explode.

[rednexmama]

1. Steel wool: only thing that'll take that kind of dirty off. 2. Spanglish: what? it was sweet. 3. He was great as SJP's crazy (like clinically) boyfriend on SATC and Evolution (with my girlfriend and friend of crap movies everywhere, Julianne Moore, directed by Ivan Reitman, dad to Juno director Jason) is a hidden gem that my bf makes me watch all. the. time.

[Sils]

Re: FM -- don't get me wrong, I love Walken as an actor and yes the dancing is great (let's not forget the Weapon of Choice video) but I wouldn't want to make out with him. Or cuddle. Or let him babysit my kittens.

[Viv]

I though Téa was pretty great in Spanglish as the crazy mom

[Maxine Dangerous]

I always thought TL and DD were an odd pair, but I think that of a lot of Hollywood couples. I suppose DD could've hooked up with BBT instead. Okay, now *I* need a shower.

"Swimming in poon" -- class.ic. :D

[Kate]

Spanglish and Flirting with Disaster were not too terrible.

And.....confession - I am strangely attracted to Christopher Walken. I KNOW.

[rednexmama]

Also, Walken is a dancing machine... dancing machine overrides any creep factor (unless you're sweaty, then the creepy comes back into play.) Don't believe me? Check it: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0WW8flwpH-Q. Cue up to, say, the two minute mark and enjoy. You're welcome.

[Peggasus]

I saw Billy Bob perform with his 'band' in Nashville last month at the Americana Music Festival. His band is good, but I have it on *excellent* authority that the reason you couldn't understand it when he sings is that they turn his mic down so you can't hear how horrible a singer he is. Mostly he mumbled a song a bit, and then took a slug of beer and a drag of his cig, walked around on stage, and then did it again and again and again. Also, unfortunately, sometimes when he did this and turned around, the entire audience got to see his scrawny little buttcrack. He is REAAALLLLY creepy in person.

[FM]

What's kind of ironic is that on Californication, DD confidently struts and announces his big swingin'ess.. only to be outdone by BBT.

Too bad for the kids.

Seems there is too much temptation in Hollywood. What ever happened to commitment?

Can't feel bad for Duchovny since he was cheating, even under the auspices of "addiction".

Funny how "he" broke it off when he found txt messages on her phone. So what happened, she was giving him a chance, then he found out she was getting skewered by BBT and he was like - forget it then?

We may not have heard the last of this story..

What I want to know is - what did the TXT messages say? That would be a scoop.

- Thanks for spoiling the ending of the Farmer Astronaut.. damn.

- I'd let Christopher Walken baby sit my kids. It would be "Hilarryeous"

[RuthWells]

"But she had that quirky failed sitcom that I had to Google to even remember the title and plot (Thank you, IMDB!), and was in the less popular of two movies about meteors that came out within months of each other"

And of course, Billy-Bob was in the OTHER meteor movie. COINCIDENCE?! The truth is out there....

[sweetney]

"I look at Billy Bob and I immediately want a shower, and I don't mean a cold one. I mean a very hot one that will burn the unclean off, accompanied by some bleach and a loofah." YES. OH MY GOD, YES. THANK YOU.

Does Billy Bob Thorton have, like, super secret mind-control powers or something? Because seriously, I DO NOT GET IT.

[Karen]

FM--sorry. But if I saved anybody else from watching that load of snivel, it was worth it. Seriously. It was a prettily filmed movie, but that was about it.

Rednexmama--Evolution was HILARIOUS. It was odd to see DD in a non-Mulder role, though.

And I'll agree with everyone---very sad for the kids. WTF, Hollywood? Why is it so frakkin' hard to stick with a marriage through rough spots, and what happened to fidelity?

[lady gray]

she was in "flirting with disaster" (w/ ben stiller) and "spanglish' (w/ adam sandler and cloris leechman). both movies are great, and i always thought she was kind of above him actually.

[Sils]

@Sweetney - HA! The other meteor movie... it's all making sense now.

[BaltimoreGal]

1. I could have lived the rest of my life without hearing that John Ritter comment. E-to-the-W EW!!
2. They made a movie called manure?

[Suzy Q]

I disagree that David/Tea seemed an odd couple. They seemed perfectly matched to me; both were quirky and shared a jaundiced eye re: Hollywood.

But, on the BB Thornton stuff? Totally agree. What the HELL does that man have in his pants?

[Snarky Amber]

Suzy Q, please don't ask that question. If I get the answer, I may never sleep again.

[Sarah, Goon Squad Sarah]

i pick #2 - EWWWWW

[kdiddy]

I think between this nonsense and the tragic death of Natasha McElhone's husband a few months ago, the Californication set must be a rather unfun place these days.

[Sonia]

Billy Bob scares me. He's so, so, SO.......ICKY!!!

[Heidi T]

Spanglish was awesome! Billy Bob frightens me.