God Has Abandoned Us: A Speidi Story

As the entire filthy internet now knows, botched cyborgs Spencer Pratt and Heidi Montag had a ‘symbolic’ wedding ceremony in Mexico on November 20th. I suspect their wedding was symbolic because robots aren’t legally allowed to marry in most countries. Except Canada. And Luxembourg.

Most people believe that the story of Montag and Pratt begins with welfaretainment shows like Laguna Beach and The Hills, but for the real historical roots of Speidi, you need to go back at least as far as the second century AD. Only by looking back that far do we realize that Pratt and Montag have shown us that we live in a benighted, abandoned world at the ass-end of the cosmos, and that God is never coming to our rescue. And when I say ‘rescue’, I mean ‘rescue us from people like Pratt and Montag’.

Find out how after the jump, won’t you? I promise not to surprise you with naked pictures of Neil Patrick Harris.

People tend to think that the Church sprung fully formed from the forehead of Christ or St. Paul, like suddenly there were a bunch of archbishops standing around and looking for cool hats. Not so. The earliest days of Christianity were marked by fractiousness, argument and mismatched encounters with lions. Weird ideas and weirder practices sprouted in different communities, some of which were so different from modern Christianity that the current divisions between Protestant and Catholic look as profound as a fight over which fork to use for prodding baked potatoes. The bottom line: nobody agreed on anything, and disputes were often settled by ratting each other out to the Roman authorities, who dealt with Christians by introducing them to violent public death.

The Gnostic branches of early Christianity believed a number of of downright psychedelic things, but their most commonly held belief revolved around the idea that the world was not created by God but by a creature called the Demiurge, the malformed inbred cousin of the divine world. The slackjawed Demiurge, in a bored and nasty mood, decided to bully the materials of Creation into forming a universe. It was the crappiest universe possible, full of pain, suffering, and death, a universe whose spiritual atmosphere was so poisonous that nothing could survive for long except the Rolling Stones. Then he made people and demanded their love and worship.

Eventually a standard, more management-friendly version of Christianity emerged, and the Gnostics mostly ended up on the wrong side of history (and lions). They now live in hiding, waiting for their messiah to arrive and prove them right.

Gnostics, your proof has arrived. A world with Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt is a world echoing with the evil laughter of a deranged god. Rise now. Come forth. Claim your Speidi prize and spirit them back to your underground vaults. Please.