People's Top Ten Sexiest Men - Do You Agree With the Squee?

Ooooooooh, my job, y'all. It is SO HARD sometimes. Can you believe what I have to subject you to today? That's right, it's that bleak, tragic event loathed by women everywhere called the People Magazine Top Ten Sexiest Men. Do you think you're up for some photos and some, um...deep analysis? Well, gird your loins, cause we're about to dive in. Strength, mah sisters and brothers! STRENGTH!!!!

Now, I'm gonna do all 15 instead of the top ten, and you'll see why. I didn't want to end up burned at the stake for leaving a certain sparkly boy out of the list. See what I do for you people? MOAR PRETTY!!!

#15 David Beckham Doesn't Becks belong in some kind of "All Stars" of sexy men? Do we really need to keep adding him year after year? I do like seeing him without Posh, since I can't get past her sourpuss to get to the pretty pretty man, and oh buddy, I do love a tattooed and accented lad.

#14 Joshua Jackson Aw, you guys! Our little Pacey Witter is all grown up!! I gave up on "Fringe" within weeks, but Jackson is a great indication as to how child stars can grow up to be hot men. Take THAT, VanDerBeek!

#13 Robert Pattinson *Hits deck* Yes! Yes, he's only #13! Guys, it's going to be okay. He's moving up in the ranks. It's only his first rodeo. I have a feeling we're going to be seeing a lot more of Robby-boy on these lists in the coming years. That said, phwoar, that's a FINE picture, yes? Sigh.

#12 Javier Bardem Err...Um...Okay, I don't think this is a very flattering picture of Mr. Bardem. And rugged men are awesome, and a welcome change from the pretty-boys we always see in the gossip rags, but if we're going to have a rugged man who could, like, chop down a tree for us, couldn't we get Jeffrey Dean Morgan? Maybe I'm being too tough on Javier here. I just can't get beyond No Country For Old Men, guys. I am a shallow, shallow woman.

#11 Mark-Paul Gosselaar Holy crap, Zack Morris! I can't say that I was a fan of the "surfer-shelf" hair-don't back in the "Saved By The Bell" days, but...the HAIR. The hair has GOT TO GO. He's a good looking man, if not a little toothy, but the HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAIR. Mark-Paul? The Flip was adorable in the early 60s, ON WOMEN, but less so on you. Hie thee to a salon, stat, and we'll discuss your future on "sexy men" lists after you cut off that mangy thatch. Oh, and lose the vest, too. It doesn't fit properly. Aw hell, People Magazine, you really dropped the ball this time. FAIL.

#10 Lang Lang Lang Lang is a musician who apparently played in the opening ceremony of the Olympics, which I did not watch. he's cute, but is he hiding his neck from Edward Cullen? What's with the pose? And who is he looking at? I have so many questions.

#9 Blake Shelton Blake here is a musician of the country variety, and he's also rugged! How interesting, the dichotomy of rugged and pretty we have here in this list. It represents the battle between the yearning for a pretty face and someone who would totally fix our car if it broke down on the New Jersey Turnpike. That said, he's got great smoldering eyes, but the pincurl of hair in the front has got to be dealt with.

#8 Michael Phelps Aw, Michael. Did y'all see him on SNL? He tried SO HARD! He might be a freakish fish-man hybrid, and I'm still not convinced he doesn't have gills, but as long as I can look at that magnificent torso, I'm not complaining. Can we get Mikey a product endorsement deal that stipulates that he is never allowed to wear a shirt? Because I would buy that product.

#7 Ed Westwick This is the guy from Gossip Girl who's a total douche, right? I don't watch the show, but if he's supposed to be a douche, man, he's got the look DOWN. I'm not feeling the super-square face and the lank, yet wavy hair, either. Eh, I'm giving this one a pass, but I'm sure I'll hear from Gossip Girl fans who think otherwise.

#6 Blair Underwood Now THIS is what I am TALKING about. What a fiiiiiiiiine specimen of a man we have in the dashing Mr. Underwood. Whew. And as a quick aside, does this man age at ALL? Wasn't he on "LA Law" 20 years ago? He's gorgeous as all get out, but I'm not entirely convinced he doesn't have a painting of himself in his attic a la Dorian Gray.

#5 Robert Buckley Mr. Buckley is on "Lipstick Jungle", which maybe just got canceled, so maybe he'll go back to being an economic consultant, which apparently was his profession before he was an actor. Actually, I think knowing he's a smartypants who would balance my checkbook for me actually makes him cuter to me. Again, I am very, very shallow.

#4 Zac Efron  I am not 12 years old, I have never seen any of the High School Musical adventures, and looking at Zac Efron makes me feel like a dirty old woman. THAT SAID. He's got an amazing smile. And I actually think he'll age well. Please age well, Zac. I want to comfortably call you hot someday.

#3 Jon Hamm Oh Jon, you bad, bad, mad man. Mr. Hamm is exquisite, and he can wear the HELL out of a suit, which is vital. I really don't know what else to say, other than Jon Hamm gives me the vapors.

#2 Daniel Craig Come ON. It's 007!!! It's a LAW that he has to be sexy as hell. And those eyes are so...penetrating...Okay, I'm stepping away from this one before this post goes all NSFW on your asses. Mmmm, Daniel Craig ass...MOVING ON!

#1 Hugh Jackman  And now we come to the ultimate in Teh Sexay. Although I prefer my Hugh Jackman in full Wolverine mode, any Hugh Jackman will do on any day. Seriously, the man is made of sex. Sex and an Australian accent. And a hot bod. And he's adorable and funny and loves his wife and kids, and that Australia movie looks terrible but I don't think I care because he's very shirtless and sweaty and dirty and whew. I need to lie down.

So there you have it, folks! What do you think? Who was grossly omitted? Who was unfairly ranked? Who shouldn't have been there at all *cough Zack Morris cough.* Discuss amongst yourselves, I'll be on my imaginary fainting couch, pretending that Robert Pattinson is whispering sweet nothings in my ear.

Is it hot in here?

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