Thomas Kincade's "The Christmas Cottage" & The Manifesto Of Suckitude

So you may have been operating under the comfortable assumption that Thomas Kinkade -- who is now officially America's most collected living artist, god help us all -- and his cheesetastic awfulness were neatly confined to the static world of painting. A fair presumption, but sadly you are faaaaar too optimistic, my friend. Indeed, it pains me to report that the "Painter of Light" [insert hideous retching sounds here] is no longer content to keep his trademark cornball snowy gingerbread house at dusk aesthetic in its place, where it can only hurt those shallow and insipid enough to consider Precious Moments figurines "art." Now Kinkade has moved into the realm of feature film, and yes, those were my screams of torment and anguish that you just heard.

LOOK UPON HIS WORKS, YE MIGHTY, AND DESPAIR:

Goddamn if that doesn't look fucking inspirational as shit, right? I mean golly, it makes me want to go call my mom, snuggle some puppies, knit an afghan, and write a rhyming poem about the triumph of the human spirit. Oh, and buy some crappy-ass paintings.

But all of this is sort of beside the point, honestly.

Because the best thing about all of this isn't the actual movie (and when I say "movie" I should clarify that this piece of celluloid FAIL was dumped into the direct-to-DVD scrap heap this week). No, rather it's the manifesto-like list of 16 “guidelines” on how to create “The Thomas Kinkade Look” that Kinkade distributed to the movie's crew, most of which seem to indicate that he would've liked the finished product to look as though it had been filmed by candlelight in a hobbit's cottage through a lens coated with vaseline. A few choice cringe-inducing excerpts:

1) Dodge corners or create darkening towards edge of image for "cozy" look. This may only apply to still imagery, but is useful where applicable.

5) Overall concept of light. Each scene should feature dramatic sources of soft light. Dappled light patches are always a positive, glowing windows, lightposts, and other romantic lighting touches will accentuate the overall effect of the theme of light.

8) Atmospheric effects. Whenever possible utilize sunset, sunrise, rainy days, mistiness -- any transitory effect of nature that bespeaks luminous coloration or a sense of softness.

14) The concept of beauty. I get rid of the "ugly parts" in my paintings. It would be nice to utilize this concept as much as possible. Favor shots that feature older buildings, ramshackle, careworn structures and vehicles, and a general sense of homespun simplicity and reliance on beautiful settings.

16) Most important concept of all -- THE CONCEPT OF LOVE. Perhaps we could make large posters that simply say "Love this movie" and post them about. I pour a lot of love into each painting, and sense that our crew has a genuine affection for this project. This starts with Michael Campus as a Director who feels great love towards this project, and should filter down through the ranks. Remember: "Every scene is the best scene."

Full memo here, for those of you with the stomach for it.

Hey... wait, I have a great idea! How about we bring a real sense of warmth and fellowship to this film by gathering together at sunset -- bundled in the soft down of our winter coats, with snowbells softly ringing in the distance -- and in a spirit of togetherness and unity burn every copy of this piece of shit excuse for a movie in existence in a great big COZY bonfire! Think of the potential for dappled light effects!

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Comments

[norm]

This is the end ... hold me!

[Gray Matter]

Two roads diverged in the woods and Milo became the star...poor, poor "Dean."

[rebecca]

marcia, what are you doing????
The whole concept of LOVE thing seems a little off when you realize he is involved with lawsuits for defrauding people who LOVE his work enough to open galleries...

[Jason]

Remember at the end of "Raiders of The Lost Ark" when the Nazis' heads collapsed and melted and blew up? I won't watch that clip for fear of the same happening to me.

[rednexmama]

Marcia Gay Harden and Peter O'Toole? Are you shitting me? Were they being punked? WTF? Also, Jason, think about the great lighting possibities from blowing up, though! Granted it could be hard to remove the "ugly parts" (Nazis, melting skull, that whole thang...) but it would be worth it, no?

[jacki]

So The Christmas Cottage = Lost ABC Afterschool special entitled: When Good Actors Do Shitty Movies.

"No Marcia, don't go into the light!"
"Peter, you'e better than this! Rise above man."

Barf, barf, barf!

[FM]

Warm and Fuzzy and Pretentiously So..

His stuff is pretty, my M-I-L luvs it.. but after reading his memo.. wow - where is the substance? Smoke, mirrors, and dark edges to exude the cozy?

[BaltimoreGal]

Thomas Kincade, Painter of Crap.

[Snarky Amber]

FYI...I have seen this movie. It played on the train on the way home from Portland last weekend and my laptop died.

To compare it to an ABC Family movie would honestly do great disservice to ABC Family.

[Jill]

Did you know they are building an upscale homes development "inspired by" Thomas Kinkade's shitty paintings???
check it out here:

http://www.gatescda.com/

each home is inspired by a particular painting.

It should be an epic blight on the landscape of north idaho.

[jill]

Also, I like how Marcia Gay Harden's head says "Jared Padalecki" and Jared's head says "Marcia Gay Harden" on the cover.

At first glance I thought "wow, marcia is looking a bit tough"

[Amaelija]

There was a time in my (sad, sad) life that one of my Top Ten Things I Want To Own Someday included a Thomas Kincaid painting. And not a little one, either. I wanted one of those big ass sizes that go over the couch.

And then I got therapy and I'm cured. Of that little neurosis, anyhow.

[SIls]

Doesn't Dean have a show about psychics or something? Why is he on this crap?

I'm so confused.

[Toni]

Real art is cheaper than the stuff he sells.

[Jeanine]

WOW WOW WOW. That's all I can say. Just like when someone asked if the printer I worked for had "Precious Moments" wedding invitations. In a brilliant Bawlmer accent too, hon. WOW. And that development in Idaho??? That's just unfreakingbelievable.

[Suzy Q]

I give this 5 Icks and two thumbs down.

[jessica]

peter o'toole is in this? For the love of Bob, Why?!?!?!?

Peter, you ARE better than this, man!

[Raven]

"The Manifesto of Suckitude." Oh, ouch! My sides are killing me from laughing so hard.

The really sad thing is that my mom will be all OVER this movie, like a yellow jacket on a KFC bag.

[[mark]]

i can't believe no one else noticed it but me...You can all be gobsmacked over Peter O'Toole and Marcia Whatsherface...BUT...

Is there a more "WTF?" inducing casting decision than CHRIS ELLIOTT???

As in Woogie? Cabin Boy???? REALLY?