"How To Talk To Girls" Introduces Mystery Jr.

People? Lock up your daughters. A 9 year old boy has written a book on gettin' some sweet, sweet lovin, middle school stylie.

Alec Greven is only in the fourth grade (THE FOURTH GRADE!!!) but is already wary of "pretty girls" and thinks dating is for "kind of old people" like 15 or 16. However, this lil' pickup artist is dropping his wisdom on how to impress the under-12 set, and I am a little frightened. Undoubtably amused, but frightened.

Alec, much like The Pickup Artist for Old People, "Mystery" has rules for talking to girls. He says that you can suss out a "pretty girl" because "It is easy to spot pretty girls because they have big earrings, fancy dresses and all the jewelry." But watch out, little boys! Pretty girls also "can be kind of cold-hearted when it comes to boys. Don't let them get to you."

Now, this is, on one hand, so sweet I want to pinch this kid's cheeks and feed him cookies. On the OTHER hand, I also want to lock him in his room until he's at least 25. What "pretty girl" dissed this kid so badly that he wrote a pamphlet about how to get the lady-lovin' when he's barely out of diapers, and WHO greenlighted a BOOK after the pamphlet sold out every time he slipped a copy to a friend like it was a Playboy??? Why, and pardon the excessive caps lock, but WHY IS A NINE YEAR OLD WRITING A BOOK ABOUT PICKING UP GIRLS?!?!!?! Is this a ploy by the daytime talk shows? What's next, picture books for the lovelorn preschooler???

Now, I don't have kids, but holy fried banana chips, if I DID have kids and my sweet little boy requested this for Christmas, or my daughter asked me why little Tommy is calling her and her BFF a "two-set" in the cafeteria? It would be a Swiss boarding school that would make my all-girls Catholic alma mater look like Girls Gone Wild, I'll tell you that much for free.

Now I know, I KNOW. It's sweet. It's innocent. It's also a little creepy, and sad. I hate to think that kids are so pre-occupied with the opposite sex that a nine-year-old is warning other kids about the dangers of "pretty girls" and giving wardrobe tips to impress the ladeez (no sweatpants, boys!) I just wish 9 year olds were still playing with toys, instead of learning pickup lines.

Jeebus, I feel old.

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Comments

[Kristin]

Ellen did it. She heard about his "book" and hooked him up with a publisher. He already set to write three more books, which seem a little more age-appropriate... "How to talk to Moms", "How to talk to Dads" and "How to talk to Santa". (Saw this little guy on her show on Friday.)

[BaltimoreGal]

It's still better than "Mystery".
Someone else has probably already said this but the "Mystery" to me is how he ever picked up one woman, much less multiple women.

[Sada]

I want to read his children's book on Watergate.

[Alicia]

Totally, Baltimoregal! Who the hell takes their lovin cues from some d-bag in a fur top hat?

[suede]

This kid is amazing, and probelly needs to be put in a sex ed course right away.....or taken out of one I guess...