Naked Spray Tans and the Elder Gods: A Day with Heather Mills and her Nanny

By now, everyone who thinks that ex-McCartney Heather Mills is worth a scrap of attention is aware that she is embroiled in a dispute with her former friend and nanny, the 24-year old Sara Trumble.

Trumble is claiming that her duties extended well beyond taking care of Mills' daughter Beatrice, venturing into the realm of blow-drying Mills' hair at 7:30 a.m. and administering a weekly naked spray-on tan to her employer.

So far Trumble has not been forthcoming about the full extent of those duties, but MamaPop.com has obtained a copy of her daily schedule. After the jump: a titillating and bizarre glimpse into the world of second-tier British celebrities.

3:30 a.m - Wake up and perform the pre-dawn Cleansing Ritual that will allow passage to Heather's eldritch domain.

4:00 a.m. - Call from Elder Spirit of the Underworld who inhabits Heather's body – usually just for a quick chat.

6:00 a.m. - Set off for work (remember not to cross any ley lines!).

7:30 a.m. - Blow-dry Heather's hair while she screams and weeps and chews Xanax.

8:00 a.m. - Change out Heather's false leg for a section of wood from the True Cross – don't forget to wear gloves this time (hot!).

9:00 a.m. - Breakfast with 'Beatrice'. DO NOT put your limbs within range of her feeding palps.

12:00 pm. - Heather plays with chicken entrails and watches her shows. She appears to have control over what happens on Coronation Street.

3:30 p.m. - High tea with Queen Victoria and Gilles de Rais. I perform a one-woman reenactment of Caligula while Heather and M de Rais copulate wildly on the Queen's pale elephantine back. If I start crying they make me start over again.

5:00 p.m. - Supper. I think I've blocked this part of the day from my mind. I remember the rusty squeak and clanging of chains as the cages are wheeled into the Great Hall, but after that everything goes blank.

6:00 p.m. - Snapes kills Dumbledore.

7:00 p.m. - Magical assault from Sir Paul begins with a platoon of his winged wildebeests. Carry ammunition for the Aether Cannon and bring sparkling water for the wizards. For some reason this part of the evening is referred to as 'Dancing with the Stars'.

11:00 p.m. - Assault over – whew! Meet with Heather for 'post-match roundup'. Get really high.

12:00 a.m. - Heather's property is folded into the Elder Dimension. You don't want to be there when that happens.