Barkley BLOWS His Chance To Beat A DUI Charge

As our very own Miss Banshee reported last week with a ton of caps, Charles Barkley, Matt Dillon, and that guy from Trading Spaces all rang in the New Year with DUIs (we can add to that list Pulitzer Prize winner Sam Shepard, who was pulled over for speeding on January 3rd and then DOUBLED the Illinois blood-alcohol limit. However, he still sleeps with Jessica Lange, which is awesome.)

But back to Charles Barkley and his oddly digitized mug shot.

It has come to light that Sir Charles had motive.

Barkley's arresting officer said "[Barkley] told me that he ran the stop sign because he was in a hurry to pick up the girl I saw get in the passenger seat. He asked me to admit she was 'hot' . He said 'I was gonna drive around the corner and get a blow job.' He then explained that she had given him a blow job one week earlier and said it was the best one he had ever had in his life."

Imagine this MamPop reporter shaking his head and muttering "CharlesCharlesCharlesCharlesCHARLES!"

First and foremostest, it's plain that we all agree with Miss Banshee. Call a cab. Or better yet, stop drinking. Oh look at you with your excess and debaunchery. Oh we're all so impressed with your post-professional ventures into substance abuse. Do you smoke cigarettes and write poems now? Do you hang with Dennis Rodman? Just get a cab.

BUT...

(and here it should be noted that the following opinions are probably not condoned by MamaPop, Sweetney, Amalah, the rest of the staff, and most everyone else in the world.)

I'm sure Sir Charles has heard all this shit before and condemning him with our ire isn't going to do any good. Let's whip out our prayers of St. Francis and seek to understand Charles Barkley rather than insist that Charles Barkley understand us.

The laws of man are just that: the laws of man. Though they strive to provide absolute standards for all of our behaviors, they have their limits in terms of their applicability to the vast scope of existential possibility. Don't we all find ourselves in particular situations that evade those absolute standards? You there. Looking at this article on that computer. Was all the software on that computer obtained in perfect accordance with the laws of man? Or a more classic example: Imagine that you've got no money and your baby is hungry and your only recourse to the health of your baby is shoplifting.

You get the picture. Well. There are times in a man's life when he finds himself drunk and in need of a blow job. That is the bare phenomenon.

The situation becomes even more pressing when you consider that it's the best blow job in a man's life. This is not to say that drunk driving laws and stop signs aren't essential to the continuance of civilization as we know it. I am saying however that sometimes certain needs of the individual rise up with such vital necessity that they trump the broader needs of civilization as a whole. And when you're drunk, a blow job always sounds like a really, really good idea.

If you here protest that you've never been under the grasp of a vital need that trumps the broader needs of civilization as a whole, I would be compelled to call you lame and boring - indeed a eunuch. But that is never good for readership, so good for you. You are a good citizen.

Now that we more fully understand Charles Barkley, we may be able to approach him not in the spirit of full reform, but in the spirit of harm reduction.

Dude. You never tell the cop that you're on your way to get the best blow job of your life. That's ill advised. Off the top of my head, there's only 2 ways to duck this charge.

1). Cry your ass off. But you're not a good looking white woman in a Lexus, so you're gonna have to work it, Charles. You have to really milk it and make the cop believe that his life is ending too. Tears can tear down the wall between you. But again, DO NOT TELL HIM YOU'RE IN A RUSH TO GET HEAD. (Good God, Charles.)

2). You should always have a gift wapped package in your backseat. Then you point out the package to the cop, tell him you forgot your anniversary, that you're sorry, but you're in a huge hurry. Granted, as our world sprints headlong toward fullblown equality, it's not a given that your cop will be a married man. But it's likely. And if that's the case, you'll tap into his innate sense of brotherhood and, boom, you're moving along. Did I mention that you NEVER TELL HIM ABOUT THE STELLAR BLOW JOB YOU'RE RISKING EVERYONE ELSE'S LIFE FOR? (Still shaking my head.)

It's also never a good move to tell an employee at the jailhouse that, if he gets you out of this, you'll tattoo their name on your ass. (Black Hockey Jesus smacks head.) Stick with the tears, Charles, or the phony present. Oh nevermind. I'm going back to the "stop drinking" advice. Go find a meeting, Sir Charles.

You're pretty much screwed, but I don't see this harming your bid to become governor of Alabama because, well, it's Alabama.

Barkley in 2014.

Comments

[Katie]

Wow.. Being from AL... I do see this as "harming his bid".

[Stephanie]

Also from Alabama. They call it the "Bible belt" for a reason -- he's screwed. We only dig governors who aspire to felony convictions AFTER they're elected.