Dane Cook's Half-Brother/Business Manager Steals Millions. Crime or Kharma?

Riddle me this: If a comedian make millions of dollars by stealing other comedian’s jokes and then someone steals those millions of dollars is that wrong or is that just righting a wrong?

In the interest of full disclosure I think Dane Cook is hilarious. I nearly peed myself watching Vicious Circle. Ok, I did pee myself a little so you can imagine how dismayed I was when allegations came to light that he was notorious for “liberating” other comedians’ material.

Suddenly everything I held certain was turned upside down—black was white, up was down and Two and a Half Men was funny. Worst of all it turns out that two of the comics who Cook allegedly snagged material from were Louis C.K. and Demetri Martin, both of whom I worship.

So, while Cook went on to enjoy huge success as a stand-up comedian, playing to stadium-sized audiences, Louis CK had a short-lived TV show on HBO (Lucky Louie, which I loved) and Demetri Martin can randomly be found doing quirky “stuff” here and there, but he is hardly a household name.

Oh Dane, how could you? And having done so how could you not be plagued by crushing guilt every day of your life? What? Oh, because you routinely get blown by supermodels while driving your Maserati Gran Turismo around LA? Fair enough. But you know what they say—payback is a bitch.

Enter, the bitch—Darryl McCauley, Cook’s half-brother and long-time manager at his company, Great Dane Enterprises, Inc.

On Tuesday, December 30th, The Massachusetts Attorney General's office arrested McCauley, for allegedly embezzling more than $10 million. McCauley managed Cook's finances since the early 90’s, but started stealing from him* in July 2007 through December of 2008.

Ok, so yes he routinely transferred funds exceeding $250,000 into his personal account** and yes he wrote checks to himself from Cook’s account,*** but maybe he didn’t realize it was illegal to do that. Oh right, he was a former corrections officer for 15 years.

And then the final straw -- apparently the $3 million check he forged**** and tried to cash at a Bank of America branch in Boston raised a smidge of a red flag. Isn't it strange that it took the bank so long to catch on to his unusual financial activity? I mean the banking industry has been so on top of flagging down fraudulent activities lately.

But was McCauley just robbin' or was he a Robin Hood of sorts?

McCauley was earning $12,500 a month to manage Cook's finances, which frankly I think is pretty meager. Now before you write in and say how elitist and out-of-touch with the common man we Mamapop writers are I’d like you to consider that McCauley had been working for Cook for nearly two decades. In the early days he stood outside gigs selling T-shirts and CD’s and I'm sure doing all sorts of grunt work that eventually resulted in Cook's enormous success.

And let’s be honest, if McCauley could routinely skim hundreds of thousands of dollars from Cook’s accounts without so much as a “Hey, I know I had a couple million dollars around here somewhere,” from Cook maybe there was more than enough money to go around.

Who knows, perhaps a raise and a nice bottle of Scotch at Christmastime and this whole mess could have been avoided.

Or maybe this whole situation is nothing more than “Hell hath no fury like a half-brother scorned” since McCauley realized that Cook was replacing him with a California-based manager. What? Giving him the boot for some douchey LA hot shot? Doesn't Dane know that nothing says power player in Hollywood like a manager from Woburn, Massachusetts who used to hock T-shirts outside the Ho Ho Hut in Akron?

But it gets better, after he forged a bunch of checks, and then became aware that the authorities are onto him, he withdraw all the money and took off on a little cross-country pleasure jaunt.*****

Investigators also found $800,000 cash in a safe in one of McCauley’s homes. It's hard to wrap your head around the fact that he was clever enough to scam Dane Cook out of $10 million dollars, but wasn't clever enough to find someplace a little smarter to stash the cash.

"Yes Captain, of course we searched the safe, nothing but some old Dane Cook T-shirts and a few other comedians' CD's. Anything else out of the ordinary? No. Well, he did have more than 92 coffee tins in his pantry, but if loving coffee's a crime then I am guilty as charged. Am I right Captain or am I right?"

McCauley pleaded not guilty to the larceny and forgery charges and is being held on $3 million cash bail. Who could he possibly turn to for that kind of money to post his bond? If only he had a wealthy relative who could…oh crap.

One would assume that McCauley will end up in prison. And there’s nothing inmates like more than former correction’s officers. So I guess we can say that in his case crime does not pay.

But what about the allegations that Cook is nothing but a joke thieving hack? Ladies and Gentlemen of the jury, submitted for your consideration (I wish it were clips of their acts for you ADD folks out there, but just listen and then decide):

So there you have it. He lifts bits like “bike accident,” “naming my kid” and “itchy asshole” and becomes one of the highest grossing comedians around, while his long-time manager who redistributes some of that wealth ends up in prison.

Where’s the justice?

I mean Dane Cook goes on to star in movies like Employee of the Month, Good Luck Chuck and My Best Friend’s Girl and...

Ooooooh wait…a life sentence of doing shitty movies and being a pariah in the comedy world.

Well played Kharma, well played.

* allegedly

** allegedly

*** allegedly

**** allegedly

***** allegedly

Comments

[Katie Kat]

You know, when I saw Dan Cook's original HBO special, I FELL OFF THE SOFA laughing. I was convinced he was the next greatest comic ever. Then I heard the allegations you are talking about and I was really disappointed. I think he had a lot of potential, but now I think he's just sort of a dick. Karma's a BITCH, Dane.

[KimAZ]

No matter what you think about his comedy or originality of his material, to imply that he deserved this is harsh.

[Gray Matter]

Kimat, I know! It's totally harsh, unfortunately, but I have to remind you that this is not www.unicornsandpuppies.com, it's Mamapop, harsh is what we do.

[rebecca]

I don't think it is harsh at all. Why should he get to keep money he didn't rightfully earn? A comedian IS thier material...

[Sarah, Goon Squad Sarah]

Sweet justice.

Now if the half brother would give all the money to Louis CK...

[Hilary]

Ugh, and a BoSox hat? Barf.