Dear Spike: Are You F***ing Kidding Me?

This week, on Spike.com - The Top 7 Butterbodies!

The true definition of a butterbody is a woman who has a beautiful face but a body that’s gone to butter. It’s like the butterface, but in reverse. If you are rich and famous, there is no excuse for being a butterbody. It’s your job to look fit and hot. Celebrities are not like normal people. They have the means to pay for a full time trainer and for someone to prepare their meals.

Which, can I say? F*ck you, Spike. Because seriously, if there is any reason to call Salma Hayek anything other than DROP DEAD F*CKING GORGEOUS, it's a reason that emanates from the dank, putrid bowels of hell and I just don't want to hear about it.

(Sorry for the language. Am angry. Who can I punch?)

Seriously, it's just beyond stupid. Mindlessly, shittily, hatefully stupid. The page of photos looks like a magazine spread of the hottest women around and the guy who wrote this is all, oh, shame about the ugly bodies. Really? REALLY? In what universe does a set of boobs that could draw moons into its orbit qualify as substandard? Are they drunk? I actually thought that it might be a joke at first, but, no, nope, the author of this post seems to be totally sincere.

Not to mention a complete asswipe.

On Salma Hayek:

Salma Hayek has a beer gut, which she tries to hide by wearing flowing dresses. She fools no one with this trickery. This lady is fat. It’s like she’s carrying a spare car tire around her mid-section.

On Drew Barrymore:

Drew Barrymore’s weight fluctuates like a yo-yo. The star of 50 First Dates and Charlie’s Angels can look super hot or super plump and blubbery.  Drew blames her vegetarianism for her fluctuations in weight. She says she basically lives on carbs and eats whatever she wants. As a bonafide star, Drew cannot do this. Otherwise every hot woman in Hollywood will adopt a similar mentality and the world will be void of super thin, super hot women.

On Liv Tyler:

The transformation of Liv Tyler into a frumpy frump is a tragedy. The angelic film star used to be one of the world’s most beautiful women. Now she looks like a dowdy housewife who indulges in too many home-baked cookies. Liv needs to hit the treadmill, pronto.

*HEADEXPLODES*

Oh, but hey, guess what? Spike snuck a little disclaimer in there:

The following article does not represent the opinions of Spike TV or its affiliates.

Right. Then why the f*ck post it, if you're just going to get all prissy about it? Look, if you're going to post hateful, sexist stupidity, then at least have the balls to stand behind it. Because the only thing worse than a hateful, braindead misogynist is a cowardly hateful, braindead misogynist.

And, seriously, the bitter irony of this story coming on the heels of this paean to a women who is the very model of female gloriousness, who, in referring to the very serious need for the world to celebrate women in all of their true beauty, said this: "I do wonder how we think we can present really powerful women, matriarchs and the like, when we seem to insist upon having such attenuated physiques..."

But Spike writers - and, I assume, Spike readers and viewers - don't want powerful women. They want weak little slut dolls. And this is precisely why the work of feminism is not done, no matter how many women Obama brings into the inner circles of power, no matter how much money Tina Fey makes, no matter how many moose Sarah Palin shoots, no matter how secure we all might feel in our equal rights blah blah blah. We are not done.

So long as there is shit like this out there, we are not done.

(God, I don't even want to link it. But here goes: Source)

Comments

[Momo Fali]

What a bunch of morons. SPIKE can shove that article right up their ass.

[sweetsaltykate]

That's totally what I wanted to be when I grew up. A weak little slut-doll. Woe, failure! woe.

[Katie Kat]

Even if this article was done in a sarcastic tone, or they are kidding it is just BEYOND WRONG. Nobody has the right to call these women anything but beautiful. I'd like to see what this a**hole writer looks like in person. Probably a short, fat, ugly little toad with a one inch dick.

ARRRRGH!

[annie]

Butterbodies? Where is the list of men who let themselves go? Oh, wait...it's okay for men to grow older and take the shape of older men but women beyond the first bloom of fuckability must immediately go on the Scary Thin Posh Diet, right?

I keep writing and commenting about the fact that women are still second class citizens and shit like this is proof we are nothing more than lumps of flesh designed to sexually satisfy and reproduce.

And the fact that society in general sees nothing wrong with this kind of thing is the indictment against it.

[Kara]

If she's a butterbody, I don't even want to think about what category I would be in. Good Christ. I'd be overjoyed to look half as good as that woman does on her worst day.

[veronica]

AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!! (and head explodes)

Crap like this makes me want to beat the living s**t out these jerks.

I probably can't say anything that we all don't already know/feel when it comes to "and people wonder why women have self-esteem issues" so I'll save the rant and instead just say how very very very sad it is :(

[pkzcass]

Did you read the comments to the article? It's heartwarming to know that all of them think that Nick the dick is a douchebag. Someone linked to his photo, and he gets bashed there too. So it seems that the only person who thought his article (or whatever it was) had credibility was him. Pasty, freaky, little piece of shit that he is.

[baltimoregal]

I'd like to see what category these MEN fall into. Physically, I mean. Because mentally? They really don't exist to us, do they?

[Sarah, Goon Squad Sarah]

Salma Hayek has a spare tire.

Back to the old eating disorder for me I guess.

[alex]

That did NOT just happen.

[FM]

Salma Hayek and Drew Barrymore are gorgeous from head to pinky toe.

[Kimberly]

Disgusting. I'm enraged enough to never watch Spike TV for CSI marathons ever again.

[Wallydraigle]

Yeah, this pisses me off. But not too much. Why? Because I know that 90% of the rest of the population doesn't feel this way. Almost any man who has made it to adulthood (I don't count the ones still stuck stubbornly in childhood, so this might skew my results) thinks women like her are stunning. And that women with even more meat on their bones are still stunning.

The guy who wrote this article is not representative of the general population. He's a small-minded douche, for sure, but he represents mostly the people whose perceptions have been completely screwed by total immersion in celebrity land, whether it be firsthand or via the media. Most average guys DO NOT feel this way. Unless I live in a particularly woman-friendly bubble. Maybe I do. I did marry a guy who thinks my pregnancy stretch marks and belly wattle are badges of honor.

[heels]

The unabashed misogyny is shocking. I also don't believe that this is representative of the general population's belief about size and beauty, but the fact that this person's hateful beliefs were published by a relatively mainstream media outlet is revolting. I can't hope to change what people believe in the privacy of their own brains, but there should be some responsibility taken on the part of the publishers. I'm not angry at the writer- he can be a dick if he really wants to be- but I am angry at Spike.

[DianaCLT]

If she is a butterbody, then bring on the saturated fats! I'd love to look like her any day. I'd rather have a "butterbody" than look like Posh or any equivalent skeletal being any day. Gah!

[Sweetney]

I am filled with righteous indignation and furious anger. LET'S GET EM!

[steff]

what in the WORLD are they smoking @ SPIKE?! obviously nothing worth the bother. i suppose the ideal woman for a SPIKE devotee would be Megan Fox or the like. She's gorg, we know this, but she is also a plastic farce that got herself hideous breast implants at the first sign of stardom. i suppose she needed them tho, bc as anyone would know who has seen her act in ANYTHING, she is pretty much useless in that department. BLARF!

i guess all us butterbodys will have to go and die now. oh, but wait, who will all the SPIKE readers get a date with? im sure Megan Fox is just DYING to meet you...

[Accidental Housewife]

Gotta do it... Here's the link to his pic, ladies. Now I'm going to go kiss my daughter and tell her she's beautiful (maybe it'll cancel some of the icky out?)
http://tylercoates.tumblr.com/post/70717131/this-is-the-amateur-headshot-for-nick-coles-the

[Jen]

I would make a comment, but my keyboard is messy from the bits of brain matter seeping out of my head AFTER MY BRAIN EXPLODED.

[Moo]

I have to echo Pkzcass's note: check out the comments. I think out of all of them only like four are vaguely positive, and two of those come from the same guy.

I'm honestly not sure if he was being sincere, but I hope the reaction to this article will teach him that he should perhaps brush up on his writing skillz.

Satire, yer doin it relly fukin rong.

[rebecca]

last night, my husband commented on how hot curvy salma hayek was on 30 rock. and he still think christina ricci was hotter when she was curvier. and liv tyler is more gorgeous now than ever.
this guy apparently has an affinity for women with the bodies of 12 year old boys. way to go, spike.com.

[palinode]

Maybe it's part of a plan to erode Salma Hayek's confidence to the point where she'll date anyone. Even Nick Cole. This is the art of the 'neg' taken to silly extremes.

[Wallydraigle]

I looked at that picture. My daughter, who was happily sitting on my lap and chewing things immediately began to fuss and tossed her rattle on the floor. At three months, she's already able to identify a real jerk.

[Backpacking Dad]

I read the thing and I just kept thinking that he didn't care what he was saying. I don't think he believes it; but I don't think it was satire either. I think it was either bullshit or a strange kind of pandering, or a circus act: "I'm going to say some shit to make people react. Hooray! Reacting people! Also watch me pull a golf ball out of my nostril!"

[anna]

Happy tangent time: that dress reconfirmed my theory that Salma Hayek has hypno-boobies* rivaled only by those of Catherine Tate! (Random example: http://www.abc.net.au/reslib/200707/r157812_572640.jpg)

Then there was that dress Hayek wore on 30 Rock last night, and I think she might have surpassed Tate in hypnotic powers.

*That phrase sounds slightly less funny when separated from Doctor Who macros, in which Donnna (Tate's character on the show) uses her chestiness for great justice.