Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt Dork Out

Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt of "The Hills" fame, pictured above in their brilliant Halloween costumes, comprise the media-fused monster of mass dorkitude that is Speidi, and I have made no bones about the fact that I love to hate them.

I was noodling through a Google Images search of Speidi, and, although I was aware of it before, I was hit upside the head repeatedly with their media whoredom.  As proof of their incredible self-pimpage and for your viewing enjoyment, I have compiled some of the photographic proof of their staged love affair and their all-American joy in food, bikinis, and Disneyland.

They are Americans

who like to go boating

and wear gender-stereotypical pink and blue foam fingers while posing for the crowd watch the Dodgers play baseball

and be insanely happy about Easter

and wipe their tongues off after pretending to eat burritos eat fast food

and do the white-people-who-hive-five thing golf

and make a mockery of low- and middle-class consumerism grocery shop

and go on a killing spree bear arms

and celebrate Mother's Day in a completely natural and unaffected way

and pretend that they did not invite the media when they went out to pick out a pumpkin for Halloween

and ice skate

and play in the ocean

and use a t-shirt to pretend she's not marketing herself ginormously enjoying family fun at Disneyland!

Also, I love how Spencer proves his masculinity and Heidi apes femininity with their oft-repeated and nearly patented display of see-how-much-fun-we-have poseurship:

And we can't forget Speidi's sad attempt at pop stardom with the generous help of an Auto-Tune:

I wouldn't be surprised if these two had several media outlets on speed dial to let everyone know when they are going to eat breakfast bagels and then pet some puppies.  I only hope that they keep this self-provoked mediastorm going through 2009, because keep my snarky side so very, very happy.

Comments

[BaltimoreGal]

Genius! Now when people ask why I hate them so much, I have one source to use for 'splainin.

[typicalquirk]

I don;t watch The Hills, but I also hate them because I am pretty much forced to know what is going on in their lives anyway if I have the audacity to turn my TV on. Thank you for this! It was fun to laugh at them.

[lori]

I've never seen The Hills (and frankly am slightly confused about what it actually is: reality show? scripted "drama"? but don't tell anyone that), but I know who these two are mostly because of Mamapop. So in equal parts, thank you for this hilarious photo spread and damn you!! I've always wondered what they might really be thinking as they pose in these "candid" situations... something along the lines of "Cha-Ching"?

[Jen]

I have two observations. 1) Since when did gape-mouth posing = pure joy and elation? Seriously, at least one of them is giving the camera a glimpse of tonsils. Ugh. 2) I find the gun pic oddly disturbing. The look on her face is...bizarre. As if she's actually thinking, "If this weren't plastic and/or contained real bullets? I wonder where the best place to shoot him would be? So that, he, like, totally dies and can't be around me anymore." Oh, okay, 3) Heidi has an enormous head.

[Kate]

Sometimes I think they're some sort of bizarre sociological experiment, and they're laughing up their sleeves at the world.

But mostly I know they're just famewhores.

[savia]

Those pictures are helping my diet, as I puked in my mouth a bit and now have no appetite. Thanks for that!

[Erin]

So beyond creepy... Are they even real people? What defines human? If it has anything to do with "feelings, compassion, and a conscience" I don't think they're real.
If human means "vapid, self-absorbed, and something-is-just-not-right" then they're on to something.

[Maxine Dangerous]

It's like they're modeling for the How to Be Stereotypically White catalog. Y-u-c-k-o. Also, Spencer, the golf outfit? Black socks and shoes? EW.

[Erin]

What I want to know is this: why are their mouths almost always open? I always wonder if they're spewing their idiocy out, or trying to take a big bite of the camera. 'Cause you know, it's got to be one or the other.

[Jennifer H]

Did you see the David Letterman show when he was on, and she was in the green room, and they basically said he gets $200K to show up at a club?

[MiniHipster.com]

I cant even imagine what a life must be like that's fueled so heavily by the desire to fill the tabloids.
But, whatever floats your boat, I guess - & if it's true, 200K for a party appearance would be pretty buoyant...

MiniHipster.com

[Janna]

I would just like to let you know that this post gave me nightmares that I was friends with Speidi. Not appreciated!