My Bloody Valentine 3D Review

Shortly after My Bloody Valentine 3D began, my husband leaned over to me and whispered, "They spent under 10 minutes on the back story before getting straight to the gore. I LOVE THIS MOVIE!"

Indeed, one could drive a Mack truck through the plot of MBV 3D, but that's not why weirdos like my husband and I see such movies.

The movie is a remake of the original from 1981. And there's this mine in this small mining town, see? And the son of the owner of the mine makes a mistake, resulting in a collapse. One miner, Harry Warden, survives by murdering the other guys he's trapped with to make more air for himself, but falls into a coma. A year later, he wakes up and kills a bunch more people...just because. He is finally killed. OR IS HE? Ten years after Harry's last killing spree, the prodigal son, Tom Hanniger, returns to the town to sell the mine he's inherited from his recently deceased father. He finds that his old girlfriend has shacked up with his friend, who is now the sheriff. And the sheriff is boinking some chick that works at the grocery store that his wife owns. So, he's kind of a dick, but Tom is a bigger dick because he's ripping the lifeblood of the community out and also he seems to still be sweet on his old girlfriend.

Anyway, who cares? ZOMG THERE'S A KILLER ON THE LOOSE!!!!!!11!!one

Is it Harry back from the dead? Or is it Tom? Or is it Sheriff Axel (yes, that's his name)? Or is it Axel's wife/Tom's old flame Sarah? Or is the retired sheriff? Or is it Megan aka Sarah's co-worker aka Axel's plaything? Or is it the other sheriff who looked at Axel kinda funny that one time? Or is it Rosa, the sole woman of Mexican descent in this small town who is (surprise!) a domestic worker for Sarah and Axel? Or is it the lady who runs the motel? No, wait, it can't be her, she's too short. Maybe it's her dog. The possibilities are endless! There are about 20 people in this town and they could all be bloodthirsty with working class angst!

MBV 3D is a classically formulaic slasher flick that glosses over a lot for the sake of adding plenty of shots to show off the totally kick-ass 3D effects. A Mystery Science Theater 3000 approach to watching this movie is practically unavoidable, especially since it's really not even that scary. Though the girls behind me kept freaking out.

But the promotional assistance that this is a perfect date movie is spot on...especially if you and your date take great delight talking shit on shitty but entertaining (seriously! I liked it!) horror flicks. Also, the glasses are pretty awesome.

Comments

[sils]

It's a remake, the original wasn't 3-d, and it was just as plotless. I enjoy the marketing campaign having zero to do with the actual movie, but rather the "date movie" qualities.

[sils]

It's a remake, the original wasn't 3-d, and it was just as plotless. I enjoy the marketing campaign having zero to do with the actual movie, but rather the "date movie" qualities.

[Moo]

You know, I wasn't sure what to make of this movie, but I might just have to go see it. What can I say? I'm a sucker for the glasses.

Also, this made me laugh out loud:

Anyway, who cares? ZOMG THERE'S A KILLER ON THE LOOSE!!!!!!11!!one

The lone "one" on the end was the cherry on top!

[rachel]

does anybody else notice that in that poster the weapon seems to be aiming right for the guy's "area"? it kinda disturbs me...