VH-1 Presents The Most Trainwreckiest Night Of Television EVAR.

My love for VH-1 surreality television knows no bounds. I have at length expounded to faithful MamaPop followers upon the merits of such high-caliber programing as The Pickup Artist, Celebrity Rehab, and everyone's favorite Show-You-Should-Watch-While-Wearing-A-Full-Body-Condom, Rock of Love with Bret Michaels.

But I had no idea that Celebreality could get as awesometastic — as scrumtrulescent — as this past Sunday night on VH-1. The line-up featured the Rock of Love Charm School reunion, followed by the premieres of Confessions of a Teen Idol and the third installment in this century's best romance, Rock of Love. And this time? Those skanks are on a bus, people.  Two buses, to be exact, as one single tour bus could not possibly contain the unholy host of whorers of this season, who are endowed with more silicone, collagen and STIs then the entire San Fernando Valley.

Seriously. In one night, I saw Sharon Osbourne drench a girl in a bikini with a glass of cranberry juice, watched The Grind's Eric Nies try to convince fellow has-beens to cleanse their colons with seeds and wheatgrass and vibrate with him at the Earth's frequency, and then, when I thought the evening could not get more deliciously trainwrecky, some girl drank a shot out of another girls' cooter. I couldn't make this stuff up, people, but if I could, I would either be hailed a genius of fiction or a crass, insane pervert.

Highlights:

Rock of Love Charm School: Reunion

-Rodeo. Just...existing and being Rodeo.
-Dallas telling Lacey to suck on her asshole.
-Meghan, bikini-clad, telling Sharon, from what I can tell, that she is merely famous for wiping Ozzy's braindead ass or something similar.
-Sharon, in response, nonchalantly coughing, reaching for a glass of cranberry juice and then drenching Meghan as a bunch of security personnel break up the fight and the panel of "reformed" skanks bum-rush Sharon to thank her and tell her how awesome she is.

Confessions of a Teen Idol

-Okay, seriously, even after explaining who these guys are and what they did, I spent half the night saying aloud, "wait, WHO IS HE AGAIN?"
-Eric Nies, of MTV's Real World and The Grind, telling the guy from Fame and the guy from TJ Hooker that they should use this European vibrator he has that mimics the Earth's frequency or some shit. For arthritis!
-Actually, pretty much any time Eric Nies talked.
-The assertion that Chachi from Happy Days and Wayne from The Wonder Years are going to help jump-start the careers of failed teen idols. *snort* Seriously? Jason Hervey is going to revitalize the careers of Baywatch actors? No, really. Seriously?
-Some guy from Baywatch throwing a tantrum and storming off the set ON THE FIRST DAY.

Rock of Love: (Whore) Bus

-Bret is looking even more weave-licious and tan-tastic than ever before.
-While getting their pictures taken for their VIP passes, one of the girls asks Bret if she can sing. He says she can, but after a few bars, I think he's mistaken.
-Then a girl named Nikki who goes by DJ Lady Tribe tells the viewers at home that she got her implants to deter her from scaling fences so she wouldn't get busted again for tagging. As she has her pictures taken, she asks if she may rap. She then proceeds to MC with lyrics written on the backs of fact sheets for gonorrhea and herpes. NOT. MAKING. THIS. UP.
-A bellydancer "from the foothills of Appalachia" announces that not only is she very deep and spiritual, but she also holds a masters degree...in storytelling.
-Cat fights, cat fights, cat fights. Like, more cat fights than all of the cat fights Lacey started in Rock of Love and Charm School COMBINED.
-uh...then DJ Lady Tribe took a shot from another girl's vajay. Yeah. Here, if you need to spew, spew into this. The upside, as somebody noted, is that alcohol is an effective germ killer.
-Bret sends five girls home, three of which he sent home for being too boring. DJ Lady Tribe was dismissed ostensibly for rapping from a list of VD symptoms and taking V-shots, and I suppose Gia was dismissed for administering it. If he'd kept either of them after expressing qualms about keeping Brittaney, a porn star, I would have done a serious spit take.

Next Sunday, Confessions of a Teen Idol and Rock of Love Bus return with more tales of Z list celebrities and skanks on the road. And I will likely return with another recap. Because, seriously, folks: the potshots practically write themselves.

Comments

[jacki]

Who's having the best week ever? Is it VH1? No, it's us, for having the opportunity to watch all this! According to some reports, Sharon didn't just dump cranberry juice on Megan (who always looks like she just sniffed dog crap), she yanked out her hair! Legen....wait for it...DARY!

[DianaCLT]

Is it just my imagination, or does Bret Michaels look more and more like his potential ho-friends each season? Next season? Rock of Love, featuring Bret and only Bret. By then, he'll have gotten himself some sweet breast implants and won't need anyone else's.

[Sarah]

Yeah you could tell Sharon pulled on her hair if you saw it when Megan was backstage crying. Awesomest moment ever! I liked how whatshisface the host had to have his little snark as well after they returned from commercial. Favorite quote from Rock of Penicillin Shot: I'm a penthouse model and I'm the classiest one here. Yep that about sums it up. I also love that these shows are sponsored by the plan b pill...oh the irony. I would also suggest Pepto- Bismol. Yet still we watch....sigh.

[Blackeyedgurl]

How sad is it that the only normal one on the Confessions of a Teen Idol is the Blue Lagoon/Pool Installer guy? He's the only one I'm rooting for.

Also: Eric Nies, Grunge called, it wants you to wash your hair, also Hippy called and recommended a pair of frikkin' shoes!

I couldn't bring myself to watch the Slut Bus, although one of my friends affectionately refers to all of the Rock of Love shows as "How Many Rock-star Cocks Can I Fit in My Mouth?!?!" Which makes me laugh.

[Dana]

LOVE the new Rock of Love, though I have to wipe my television with Clorox wipes to kill the VD that piggybacks onto the broadcast. I like the Brazilian girl. She's such a tequila-swilling bully, bless her.

I don't know who those old dudes/teen idol people are. Isn't one of them Hobie? Why does one of them look like The Lord?

[Miss Banshee]

I swear to Dog, there was one point in which Eric Nies was wearing yoga pants and I KNOW I saw Little Eric and the Nieses all out for everyone to see. I may never recover.

[Jason]

Re: the Confessions of a Teen Idol group photo - is there a silent "e" at the end of the word "choad"? And what's the plural, or does it retain the singular, like "moose"?

[jodifur]

I pink puffy heart loved confessions of a teen idol, if for nothing else then for twitter fodder. I mean, "how do you talk to an angel go is on there!" He threw Donna down the stairs! How can you not love this show?

[Kathy]

Did not recognize Eric Nies at all. He looks like a homeless person. Okay, a slightly foxy homeless person who's really into "cleansing," but a homeless person, nonetheless.

The Sharon/Megan fight was all over TMZ last month when the "incident" (man, I'm into the ironic air quotes tonight) happened at the taping last month, so yeah, I'm not going to lie: I was looking forward to this. (My tv habits are so bad I'm beyond shame.)

[marixxa]

so, i'm catching up on RoL at the moment, after discussing the episode with Andrew this afternoon (he directed me to your blag), and i feel like i've already caught some sort of disease through my television. i am just not sure who this sort of show appeals to on a non-ironic level. is it purely for shock value, or is there some group of viewers out there who takes this shit seriously, like "i really hope Bret finds The One this time." same goes for the other shows of this genre, this unending spin-off of a spin-off of a spin-off. it's mind-boggling. and not in an even remotely good way.

[jennifer]

once again, dianaCLT is right on the money!

[marixxa]

hahaha hasbeens.jpg

[Lauren]

Thank you! I love these shows. I was wondering about why I love Rock of Love. Thanks for the insight. My new fave is Tool Academy.