Ashton Kutcher Is The Antichrist, And I Have Proof

Crafty, wily, pretending to be something he's not. Charming, luring, attractive to the eye. EVIL TO THE CORE. I am not talking about Ol' Mephistopheles here, folks, but something FAR more insidious. I am speaking, of course, of Ashton Kutcher. And I think we should all be very, very afraid.

Don't fear the reaper, folks. Fear the KUTCHER.

We were all so taken with Ashton when he first entered our lives, weren't we? As the bumbling Kelso on That 70s Show he was so dippy and dorky, with a baby face and endearing grin. Aw, Ashton Kutcher. We were such fools. FOOLS, I TELL YOU!

Then, when we weren't on guard, came Punk'd. And with that, friends, we should have known. The concept alone, of tricking his so-called friends with vicious practical jokes was, on the outside, funny! Because they were celebrities! Looking stupid! Good times! But if you really look at it, it's just MEAN. Yet again, Ashton was so charming that we just wanted to pinch his cheeks and pat him on his little roguish head. Such innocents, we were. So deluded.

Then the movies. OH THE MOVIES. Have you ever looked at Ashton Kutcher's IMDB listing? It's ENORMOUS. He has been making horrible, goofy, WRETCHED excuses for movies every year (and please don't defend Dude, Where's My Car to me. Please. I'm begging you) and they Just. Keep. Coming. WHY do they keep coming? Because people are entranced by The Kutcher. They look into his vacant eyes and see puppy dogs and unicorn glitter, and don't realize that he's only grinning like that so you don't notice that he's about to kick you where the babies come out.

But there are plenty of actors who do this, right? And he married an older woman, and is friends with her ex-husband and her kids, and they seem happy, right? Why the hate for The Kutcher? I'll tell you why. Do you know what some of the BEVY of producer credits The Kutcher has to his name? They include two shows that are on right now: Gameshow in My Head and True Beauty.  These are such AWFUL, WRETCHED shows I simply cannot choose which one is worse, but if you check out his IMDB, you'll see that he has 15 producer credits and CLIMBING, and most of them are reality shows steeped in MEAN. Our little adorable Ashton has an evil streak. BUT! The devil has faltered! And now we may see him for the evil bastard child of Ol' Scratch that he is.

In the new movie Spread The Kutcher plays the worst-case-scenario Hollywood gigolo. In standard movie form, he meets his match in a girl and blah blah blah, it doesn't matter, because he plays a douchebag, and hopefully people will begin to realize that that's what he's been all along. According to Defamer, which calls it "Shampoo, only for awful people,"  the movie is playing the festival circuit, and is getting panned. No!!! This movie MUST get wide release and glowing reviews to show people the truth about The Kutcher! Please listen to meeeeeeee!!! Seeing El Kutcher in a role more suited to his devilish core is exactly what America needs so we can stop swooning at those damn Nikon commercials and see Kutcher for what he is. EVIL.

Don't let The Kutcher continue to Punk us. I'm not saying come at him with flaming torches and crucifixes, but...it really couldn't hurt to be prepared, right?

Comments

[Moo]

My dad is a grouch and a half, and thinks every other person, place or thing he sees is "STU-pid."

But Ashton? Oh, Ashton. He hates that dude more than just about anything else in the whole world. When those Nikon (?) camera commercials come on, my dad goes on TIRADES about how he hates that guy sooooooo muuuuuuch. Every time. EVERY. TIME. And really, that's reason enough to hate Ashton, even if he weren't actually a total d-bag.

[BaltimoreGal]

My dad is the same way about Regis!