For Her Sins on Big Love, Rhonda Is Forced into the Most Ridiculous Movie Ever

Here's a time when the various worlds in my pop culture universe collide and splash down into a bowl of fail, stirred with a spoon of shame, and seasoned with a heaping tablespoon of you've-got-to-be-fucking-kidding-me.

Remember last week when I presented you with the A.V. Club's New Cult Canon and made pretty clear my feelings about Donnie Darko? And also in that post I noted that Showgirls was really just pretty bad except for Elizabeth Berkley's awesome delivery of the word, "Versace?" And also how I do those Big Love recaps every week, many of which have contained some vitriol toward Daveigh Chase's character, Rhonda? Now, surely anything that contained elements of all of those things would certainly be the stuff of nightmares, never to actually come to fruition. Right? RIGHT? WHAT DO YOU MEAN NO?!?!?

Well, I'm not sure how I missed the rumblings of this last year when it was being made but the geniuses in Hollywood have gone and made a sequel to Donnie Darko.

Go ahead and get yourself a drink. I'll wait here. Bring me a Bombay Sapphire and tonic wouldja? You're a peach.

Alright, feeling a little more prepared to discuss this? This piece of poo is called S. Darko, for Samantha Darko, Donnie's little sister, which is the character that Daveigh Chase (evil Rhonda) played in the original. Seven years after Donnie ate it via jet engine, Samantha and her friend decide to move to Hollywood to become dancers, because I guess they went as far as they could go with Sparkle Motion. Samantha's also breaking away from her dysfunctional family. But on their way out West, Samantha's car breaks down in middle of nowhere. A meteorite crashes nearby and Samantha starts having visions. Elizabeth Berkley is a meth-head Jesus freak who shows up and starts talking weird and Samantha finds out she's adopted. Oh, and the world's going to end soon (again) and a dude in a bunny suit shows up (again) and people just waltz around with their wormholes hanging out (again). (And about that...look, I know people need to travel through space and time and that all of the research that says that wormholes are the best vehicles because they're exactly suited for that purpose. But these people just whip there wormholes out any old place and start traveling away. Restaurants. Airplanes. Wal-Mart. I mean, can't they do that in the bathroom? Or at least cover themselves up?)

But wait! There's more! Chase's fellow cast members also include Ed Westwick of Gossip Girl and Briana Evigan of Step Up 2: The Streets. It's directed by Chris Fisher, whose oeuvre includes Rampage: The Hillside Strangler Murders and Nightstalker. It's written by Nathan Atkins, whose other writing credits include Point of Entry which, to my surprise, is NOT a porno...but does count Traci Lords as one of its cast members.

And I'll know you be totally shocked by this next tidbit: it's going straight to DVD.

Hey, look, I know that a job's a job and that even the bit players are probably making more than I am in a year. I just don't understand why these minor projects have to be such utter pieces of shit. And do they not do any audience research before launching these productions? Do they honestly think that the Donnie Darko fans are going to to watch this shit?

S.Darko Trailer
by trentisthenewpink

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