Gird Your Loins!!! The Hills Is Returning!!!

Y'all? I've been having a really, REALLY bad few days. So right now, all I want to do is curl up with my cats and some serious ice cream ack-shon and watch Bret Michaels' Whore Bus or something really classy like that, but NO. I am a REPORTER. So it is my duty, my QUEST to bring you news of the entertainment kind.

Are you ready? I mean, REALLY ready for this news? Because you'll be dancing in the mother effing streets when I tell you.

SPEIDI IS COMING BACK TO OUR TEEVEES.

*Boop BOOP.* Oh sorry, I just deleted "The Hills" off my season pass. OF LIFE.

Imagine my joy, my RAPTURE, at finding out the worst "television show" EVER is returning! OOOH, you GUYS! Maybe, if we're REALLY GOOD, we'll hear all about Heidi and Spencer's fake relationship and fake marriage and fake fights and really really bad and totally not staged at all photo ops, only THIS TIME, it'll be all NEW totally scripted crap that we'll be able to watch over and over and over on TiVo!

I have never been so happy to not own a TiVo.

What is this, anyway, season one trillion of this dreck? OH, and in case you were one of the three people who still thought this was real, THIS season, "Lauren Conrad's" (IF THAT'S EVEN HER REAL NAME) "boyfriend" named "Kyle" won't be APPEARING on the show, because he is "not essential to the season's narrative." Y'all? You have GOT to hate your life when you get written off a reality show. Oh, I'm sorry, a "reality" show. They're not even pretending anymore. Everyone is in the "nudge nudge wink wink" camp with "The Hills" and Speidi's "relationship" and...Okay, you know what? I can't do this anymore. You know what I need to do? Of course you do.

OH GODDY GOD GOD DO I FEEL BETTER.

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Comments

[Tracy]

I just noticed that phallic vase in the background of the NPH photo.

[Tracy]

(In other words, I am so glad to be in New Zealand where Speidi is a blip in our gossip mags and nothing more.

[April]

Nooo!!! Not Speidi!

WTF, MTV? While I may have a voracious appetite for bad reality tv in all its most glorious forms, watching Speidi makes me want to light myself on fire and then walk in front of a bus.