Hollywood Hellbent On Re-Making My Childhood

You know what was super-keen? Growing up in the early/mid 80s. We had ridiculous music, even more ridiculous clothes (Osh Kosh represent!) and we had movies. Oooooooh we had movies. Weird movies! Movies that we saw in the theaters that gave us nightmares, but we lied! To our parents! And told them those movies DIDN'T give us nightmares, we were FINE, we weren't staying up all night under the covers with a flashlight because the Skeksis were in the closet, noooooooo!

Movies like The Dark Crystal, The Star Wars trilogy (I, uh, don't need to specify which ones, do I? Okay, good,) Labyrinth, Legend...All those cheesy and beloved fantasy movies from the 1980's, man. They were the best. So what's Hollywood doing today?

They're re-making The NeverEnding Story, y'all, and there is NO WAY this will end well.

You see, here's the thing about the fantasy/sci-fi movies of the 80s. They were, in a sense, real. Real puppets, real matte paintings, real luckdragons...Okay, not REALLY real luckdragons, but they made that luckdragon. It was a real, actual creation that people constructed. Bastian and Atreyu really held onto that creation and flew, if not over Fantasia, than into a wind machine that made them look like they were. Because the Luckdragon was real. Skeksis and Gelflings were real. Tim Curry as the Devil in Legend was a makeup creation, not a computer program. Jabba the freaking Hutt was REAL, with a person crouched down in his tail to flap it around. These are things we remember.

Please, Hollywood. Let the Luckdragon stay real.

I don't mean to get all "Stay gold, Ponyboy!" on you, but seriously. We have these divine inventions called DVDs. You can even play them in your own home, on your very own television. Netflix'll bring 'em to you. And these movies that we loved and remember can be delivered to your house in One! Business! Day! No need to remake these movies! They're already here. Remaster them? Certainly! Stuff the DVD with grainy making-of featurettes from the 80s and original artwork? Abso-freaking-lutely! But remake them? Unless you're doing it through the Henson Studios in London, with animatronics and matte paintings and Muppets, I'm not interested. Nothing would break my heart more than a CGI gelfling.

Well, there's one thing that will keep me sleeping sound at night, and that's the knowledge that no matter how many of my favorite 80s movies they remake, they'll never touch the originals. And there are some things, some very special and unique things in those movies of yore, that can never be re-created, I don't care HOW great CGI gets.

David Bowie and his package, from Labyrinth, 1986. You're welcome.

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Comments

[Hilary]

Oh! And Willow! How come no one else has love for Willow?!

[jacki]

forget his work in the Doors, Madmartigan was Val Kilmer's greatest role. EVAR.

[missbanshee]

Mea Culpa!!!! Mea Culpa!!!! I didn't mean to forget "Willow!" Consider it added in spirit.

[brandi]

The Neverending Story is one of my all-time favorite movies! I bawl every time Atreyu's horse drowns in the quicksand. I'm so sad to hear they're going to ruin the best kids movie.

[Toni]

For what it's worth, the author of The NeverEnding Story, Michael Ende hated the movie. He even went to court to have his name taken off the credits and I believe they ended up minimizing his name in the end. As a child I adored the book, but was really disappointed with the movie. It's a huge book, if someone wants to take another stab at it then I wish them the best of luck. Willow on the other hand is a classic and now I'm thinking that I may need to re watch that this weekend.

[Alyssa]

Why would you remake something that was so perfect the first time around?

Willow is the bomb.

[Ravenlynne]

heee...someone I know was talking about being traumatized by David Bowie's package today and I referred him to your blog..lol...
I think they should scrap the "remake neverending story" idea..seriously some things are sacrosanct.

[Moo]

If they touch Labyrinth I may actually go on some sort of killing spree.

[anna]

Even before I scrolled down and saw the picture, I thought to myself, "David Bowie's Package!"

(If there isn't a band called David Bowie's Package, there really should be.)

[BlackEyedGurl]

What's next? Remaking the Princess Bride (if they do that I swear to all that is holy & unholy I will never watch, buy or pay for a movie again)? Srsly, Hollywood, I have heard rumors that there are people out there with new ideas, we call them writers. They are writing every single day all over the planet, and they have these things called new ideas. Maybe you should look into it!

I swear on my She-ra alarm clock, if they lay their grubby little mitts anywhere near The Dark Crystal SOMEONE IS GOING TO PAY. And by PAY I mean, someone's head is gonna be on a pike in front of an office building. I'm just saying.

[BlackEyedGurl]

OMG, you kow what just dawned on me? In this new version they'll totally take out the swamp scene, cos god forbid kids have to see something like horse death in a movie! As a kid I remember the death of Artax being sad, but it was an important part of the story, an important part of the metaphor. Dammit, they are so gonna ruin this. This was my rainy day VHS tape all summer!

[heels]

Ahhh... thank you. The ONLY reason to see Labyrinth, right there.

[Backpacking Dad]

The Evil Turn came when George Lucas himself, the wizarding force behind great modeling effects in film, decided that he had wanted to be a cartoonist all along. He edited the original trilogy, adding new cartoon footage. Then made the second trilogy almost entirely out of cartoon footage. And finally settled on just giving up and making cartoons for the Cartoon Network.

I have nothing against cartoons. But that bespoke a hatred of the "flaws" of live-action film-making that spread like an evil fucking virus around the world.

Also, they are remaking "Footloose", starring Zac Efron.

That is not a joke.

[Sam Wise]

Hmmmm......While I love the original with all the fierce Atreyu-love there is, I am also one of the pepople who was seriously let down by it as a book adaptation. If they can make the new one be faithful-to-the-book version, then I'll let it slide and will be first in the theatre. If, on the other hand, they just want to redo the first movie version, then they can go fuck themselves.

[Judy]

I'm glad I never noticed his package or I would have really been scared.
I put The Dark Crystal on our movie list because my hubby hasn't seen it. I was like, what?? Must see.

[Bec]

Oh my Lord, Willow scared the pantaloons off me as a little kid but David Bowie? And the Package of Enternal Glory? Was impressive even to an (in theory) innocent eight-year-old

[Katya]

Ah, this is terrible. Leave it alone. The scene with Atreyu's horse cannot possibly get better. And anyhow, I am sure they'll screw up the casting of that character in the worst possible way. It doesn't need updating! Can't they leave anything alone?

[Katya]

Almost as mortifying as this...

One of the companies looking at doing the Neverending Story remake also wants to make a live action version of Akira.

*gasp*

[Apryl's Antics]

Sadly, they have already edited the hell out of "Legend" and re-released it.

Please don't make a CGI luckdragon Hollywood!!!!!

[RobynG]

I'll just do like I did with the remake of Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory, and pretend it doesn't exist.

Also, seriously? Remaking Footloose? It makes me weep.