MamaPop™

Katy Perry Must Be Stopped

This Wackadoo report just in...

(Taken during a show last night in Manchester, England.)

Dear Universe, Supreme Being, What-Have-You,

No more of this please. Thank you.

Love,
MamaPop

"Blame It On The Alcohol:" Yes, Do That Jamie Foxx. DO THAT.

Jamie Foxx is, apparently, a hip-hop artist. Which I didn't know, but whatever, I'm not always on top of everything that goes on in the culture, so. I guess he launched a hip-hop and I just, you  know, missed that or something.

Anyway.

Jamie Foxx has a hip-hop career, apparently, and he's just released a video for his latest song, which I think is called something like Blame It On The Alcohol, which is also the title of my unpublished memoir of my life between the ages of 19 and 23, but whatever. He can have the title. Because, seriously, he's going to need it to explain this video, which stars, inexplicably, Jake Gyllenhaal and Ron Howard.

Sorry, Edgar Allen Poe

Authored by super special guest contributor and honorary MamaPop Betch, Metalia of the appropriately titled Metalia

Considering my love of all things pop culture-related, it’s hard to believe that I didn’t see the movie Road House until the ripe old age of 26. (For those of you keeping score at home, I’m now 28.) I was dazed by it, to be honest--the incredibad dialogue, the amazing (by which I mean, “cringe-inducing”) fight sequences, and above all, the unholy spectre Patrick Swayze’s free-swinging man junk, constantly threatening to escape his tiny Sweatpants of Offensive Inappropriateness.

The problem when dealing with a spectacle of such unmitigated cheesiness as this movie, however, is that pretty much everything that can be written about it, already has been. And so, I decided to craft a post about it in poetic form, thus putting a new spin on one of the worst movies EVER. I’ve since taken this approach for a number of simultaneously maligned/beloved crap tv shows, and I’m honored to share two of my favorites with you today (a paean to The Real Housewives is also in the works).

Friday Eye Candy: Roller Skates And Spandex Edition

Xanadu, people. Is there any greater testament to the power of spandex and glitter and roller skates to make people feel better about the world? IS THERE?

I think not. In fact, I thought not so hard that I actually decided to lay bets with myself as to whether I could find any other pop culture artifact that expressed the beauty and poetry and sheer happy-making force of glittermation (a word that I just coined to describe all things sparkly and unicorny and spandexy and roller-skate related) so perfectly as Xanadu. And as expected, I lost those bets. Except for the ones backing Xanadu. Those I won.

But haven't we all won, really? Because I found, in my searching, more wonderful examples of glittermation awesomeness. All of which, like Xanadu, are also full of bespandexed hotness:

Hollywood Hellbent On Re-Making My Childhood

You know what was super-keen? Growing up in the early/mid 80s. We had ridiculous music, even more ridiculous clothes (Osh Kosh represent!) and we had movies. Oooooooh we had movies. Weird movies! Movies that we saw in the theaters that gave us nightmares, but we lied! To our parents! And told them those movies DIDN'T give us nightmares, we were FINE, we weren't staying up all night under the covers with a flashlight because the Skeksis were in the closet, noooooooo!

Movies like The Dark Crystal, The Star Wars trilogy (I, uh, don't need to specify which ones, do I? Okay, good,) Labyrinth, Legend...All those cheesy and beloved fantasy movies from the 1980's, man. They were the best. So what's Hollywood doing today?

They're re-making The NeverEnding Story, y'all, and there is NO WAY this will end well.

White Wedding: Literal Video Version

White Wedding: Literal Video Version - watch more funny videos

Well you have to admit, that cool glove IS mighty sexy.

Kellogg's Stock Nosedives After Dumping Phelps

Not so grrrrrreat news for Kellogg's. After pictures surfaced of Michael Phelps' bong hit heard round the world, wholesome Corn Flakes peddlers Kellogg's dropped him from his endorsement deal with them, stating that his activities weren't consistent with the company's public image. Fair enough. Business is business.

Criss Angel and Holly Madison Broke Up!

Oh noes! Holly Madison and Criss Angel broke up!

As far as I am concerned this tragedy begs two questions:

1) Who the hell is Holly Madison?

and

2) People actually think Criss Angel is cool?

(more after the break)

Like The Truman Show, Only Without all the Jim Carrey

Authored by super special guest contributor and honorary MamaPop Betch, Ali of Cheaper Than Therapy

The husband and I usually end up watching the second hour of The Biggest Loser more-than-slightly inebriated. It's not our fault, really. We've fallen victim to the ever-famous product-placement drinking game. What? You've never played it??! Oh, how we love this game. It's helped us get through many a season of Survivor. Oh, come on, you know you've wanted to hit the sauce while watching the wasting-away survivors inhale their Doritos and Mountain Dew. 

The Biggest Loser, however, blows Survivor out of the water.  Bob and Jillian don't even try to hide their overt product endorsements. 

Someone Get Kristen Stewart High Again So She'll Start Being Nice

"Like, GAWD. I can't believe that people are asking me about like, THE OSCARS and like, why I wasn't there and stuff. Well, IF YOU MUST KNOW, it's because I have integrity, which is something actors and actresses claim to have when they like, don't have the command to like, get an invitation to the Oscars. Dude, I like, sound SO GROWN UP OMG."

Kristen Stewart's dad John, not to be confused with the better-looking and funnier JON Stewart, was asked why his bowlful of joy Kristen was not presenting at the Oscars alongside the most popular man in America under the age of 23.

His response clearly showed that dude needed a unicorn infusion.

Parents Disturbed By Disabled TV Host Need To Rethink, Methinks

Hold on to your butts, kids, because Miss Banshee is about to throw a tizzy.

The BBC is feeling the backlash, nay, reading the HATE MAIL about the host of "CBeebies" a children's show. Is the show offensive? Stupid? Inappropriate? Is the host rude, condescending, or a terrifying purple dinosaur? Not at all. The horrific choice the BBC made in regards to their show?

The host is missing the lower part of one of her arms.

Oh how I wish I was kidding.

Britney Spears' Ex Adnan Ghalib Charged With Assault

Adnan Ghalib, who is a member of the paparazzi but is more well known for being Bitney's ex-boyfriend, surrendered Wednesday to face felony charges for allegedly trying to run over a process server. He pleaded innocent in a Van Nuys Superior Court and was released on $110,000 bail.

Britney sure knows how to pick 'em.

MamaPop's 25 Sparkliest Blogs of 2000-and-Now

Not too long ago, Time Magazine published its list of the 25 Best and Worst Blogs of 2009, even though 2009 has barely carved out one sixth of my LOLcats calendar.  Time does a decent job identifying some of the Grand Poobahs of Blog, but there a few inexplicable omissions, and choices that can best be described as small-c conservative.  And let’s face facts: Time Magazine IS THE LAMEZ!! OMG ROFLMAO and so forth.

Now that I have conclusively demonstrated Time Magazine’s unsuitability for writing about the web, it’s time for MamaPop’s collective entry on the Sparkliest, Most Not-on-Time-Magazine’s-List Blogs of 2009!

Are they significant?  I guess.  Do they make a grand statement about our modern predicament?  I suppose.  Are they all blogs?  Hey shut up why don't you.  Are they awesome?  Of course!  Read our list - in sizzling alphabetic order - after the majestic jump.

Lost Remote Results In Paranormal Walk Of Shame

Authored by super special guest contributor and honorary MamaPop Betch, Katie of Motherbumper

Recently I’ve started watching a show called Paranormal State on A&E.  Has anyone noticed how A&E used to be the home of Biography marathons and serial killers but has gone through some kind of reality show metamorphosis that transformed it into the round-the-clock home of police / bounty hunter / exterminator shows?  I do believe that The Exterminators is a new all time low for the channel.  Wait… no the show about the meter maids was the bottom; The Exterminators helped drill it into the rock.

Anyhow, I must have misplaced the remote the night I first watched Paranormal State. I think what first drew me in may have been the cheeseball Star Trek-inspired "director’s log" voice-over that opens every episode and continues throughout the show.  Because--mark my word--I find it really hard to pass on a chance to make fun of someone else in order to boost my self-esteem, especially someone on the idiot box who isn’t going to talk back.  But regardless of the ego-boosting fromage, it was something else that made me stay. And what was that "something else" you may ask?

Dudes, I think I would have totally hung out with these guys back in university.

Gamestop Training Video Makes Me Stabby

This may or may not be some kind of parody, but in either case, it's hilariously offensive. TRY NOT TO BE OVERWHELMED, LADIES!

The Apocalypse Has Arrived, And Its Name Is Dora

Remember that rumor going around late last summer, the one that was hinting that Dora might have some growing up to do? Yeah, that one. The one that made my head blow off:

Apparently, some Nickelodeon executives are worried that if Dora the Explorer and the Bratz dolls were ever forced into a smackdown, the Bratz would win, notwithstanding Dora's obviously superior trekking skills and that supply of weapons that she keeps in her backpack. The Bratz, after all, have make-up and halter tops. That shit wins every time. So Dora needs a makeover and some skank-training, stat.

Well, it's happening. Which means, basically, that the Four Horsemen are thundering toward us, and they are Boots, Swiper, Benny and Isa, any of whom might be toting Backpack and Map, who will no doubt serenade us into End of Days.

Dora is the Beast, obviously. That is, she will be if the dipshits at Nickleodeon insist upon skankifying her, which it sounds like they fully intend to do:

For Her Sins on Big Love, Rhonda Is Forced into the Most Ridiculous Movie Ever

Here's a time when the various worlds in my pop culture universe collide and splash down into a bowl of fail, stirred with a spoon of shame, and seasoned with a heaping tablespoon of you've-got-to-be-fucking-kidding-me.