American Idol Recap: Grand Ole Opry Edition

Authored by super special guest contributor and honorary MamaPop Betch, Mr. Lady of Whiskey In My Sippy Cup

Last week on American Idol, Jorge Nuñez was sent home after K and J exposed his eyebrows as Yip Yips in violation of the Tycho Treaty.  Jasmine Murray went home, too, and I have no response to that.

This week on American Idol, Paula is wearing kulats.  KULATS.  I couldn’t even remember how to spell that without Google.  And it’s Country Night…Grand Ole Opry Night, to be exact.  Two things Nashville doesn’t want you to know about it: 1) The only fun thing about the best part of visiting the Grand Ole Opry?  The golf course.  The 8th hole is a sonofabitch.  Two) Randy Travis is the world’s first bio-genetically engineered bobblehead doll.

Michael Sarver is not going down until the sun comes up.  My husband says the same thing to me all the time, but of course by the time the sun comes up the kids are awake and they want their cocoa puffs and I have morning breath that could slay the Ravenous Bugblatter Beast of Traal and I’m too groggy to dig the weed-whacker out of the storage room anyway and so he’s off the hook.  Bastard.  Anyway, did you know that Billy Joel wrote We Didn’t Start the Fire as a rap, but then realized that there are some things white boys just shouldn’t do so he scrapped that idea?  FACT.  Someone should have told Michael Sarver that.  Garth Brooks *almost* got away with that little bit country/little bit soul thing.  Michael Sarver is not Garth Brooks.

Randy Travis got all tingly talking about how Allison Iraheta moved. Ewww.  She sang Blame It On Your Heart by Patty Loveless.  How did she do, you ask?  I have no idea.  I was too busy crying in my beer over the fact that I saw that she was wearing a sundress with a black bra sewn to the outside of it under a leather coat that matched her hair that matched her necklace on national tv and I realized that I no longer understand the shit kids wear these days.  If you need me, I’ll be at the 4:30 early bird buffet.

Kris Allen, you know, the guy with the adam’s apple ohmygodit’ssobig, sang To Make You Feel My Adam’s Apple by Garth Brooks. Love. I meant Feel My Love.  One of my favorite American Idol games to play is What Should They Have Sang and tonight, it was Shameless.   The whole thing was Meh until he reached for this note at the very end and  my balls crawled up inside of me, which was only notable since my balls happened to be across the room attached to a totally different human being.

Totally validated obsession aside: OMG Randy Travis is a VULCAN.

Lil’ Rounds sang Independence Day by Martina McBride, but I just can’t get past this Lil’ thing.  Which rounds, exactly, are lil’?  Her booty?  Her boobies?  Well, Randy says she’s got “big pipes on the top” so I guess it’s her humps, not her lovely lady lumps, that she’s got an issue with.  I thought they looked nice.  And I wish she’d sang Since I Fell For You, just sayin’.  Reba Tore. That. Shit. Up.  Of course, it doesn’t matter what part of her body is the subject of her dysmorphia; she got the Paula Abdul Teen Girl Squad Curse Of Death tonight: Your makeup looks soooo good.  She’s doomed. *punt*

Human Development aside: You know how there are certain sounds that humans have to be genetically predisposed to speak and taught at a young age, or the temporal lobe will shut off and we’ll never be able to acquire them?  Like R in Japanese or Click in The Bushmen’s language?  Well, thanks to American Idol, we’ve had another breakthrough in speech acquisition and bio-genetics.  The Brits can’t say Lil’ no matter how hard they try.  It’s Little or it’s nothing.  Just as Simon Cowell.

Do you like Flock of Seagulls?  No, but obviously Adam Lambert does.  And he’s too young to know Social D’s Ring of Fire, which is just sad.  What’s happening to this generation?  Black bras sewn to the outsides of dresses?  SOCIAL FUCKING DISTORTION?  It was a core class in my high school.  That said, Robert Rodriguez just found the guy to do his next soundtrack.  Or maybe someone could introduce Adam to Devotchka?  Because a Burlesquey-Bollywoodish version of Ring of Fire is just…oh my god EARTHQUAKE!!!!  Get in the tub!  Grab the pornography!  Oh, no, wait…that was just Johnny Cash rolling over in his grave.

Hey, I’m Bart aside: And then Paula totally did the Mariah Carey pouty-lip-head-cock-to-the-left thing while the camera was on Kara.  Which was hilarious on no less than seven different levels.

Scott MacIntyre sang and played Wild Angels by Martina McBride.  The first four notes of that are totally the beginning of Mandolin Rain and all of a sudden I am in 2006 screaming for Taylor Hicks to win and then I’m suddenly back in 2009 and I’m realizing that I had a boner for Joe Cocker Jr and I kind of die a little inside.  Back to Scott: Someone needs to cut his hair because seriously, I go through half a tube of chapstick every time he takes the stage.

Paula is kind of violently insistant that he come out from behind his piano and sing alone on the stage, and she seems to have forgotten that he’s blind and that maybe, just maybe, the piano bench will keep him from tripped and falling of the ledge he can’t see better than his walking cane could.  Maybe it’s just the crack talking, I don’t know.  Have I mentioned that I hate Paula Abdul with everything I have inside of me?  It’s true.

Alexis Grace tripped and the side of her head fell into a bottle of Cotton Candy Pink Manic Panic.  Dude, that stuff takes like two weeks to wash out.  Maybe put it in a safe place until you’re off national TV?  She sang Joline by Dolly Parton and we saw the first signs of Economaggedon’s impact on American Idol when Alexis took the stage wearing Samantha Baker’s school dance dress, except it totally didn’t fit so they had to use that boob tape on her shoulders.  I personally think that industrial strength staples would have rounded out the Suburban Punk look nicely, and Harrison Ford would have smiled.

I wonder if Carrie Underwood asked American Idol to pimp all of her songs or if Jesus just took the wheel of her marketing campaign.  Danny Gokey sang Carrie Underwood’s song while wearing a purple button-down and Sarah Palin’s glasses.  Sure, he’s totally straight.  He actually sang it alright, but the next time I see him on TV, I want Clinton Kelly to be smacking him down for popping his damn collar.  Seriously, if you have the neck of a high school ‘roided out football player? V NECKS.  That said,  I’d totally fuck’em.

You make me wanna Anoop, anoop-pi-doop, anoo-pi-doop-anoopi-doopi-doop-i Desai.  He sang You Were Always On My Mind by Johnny Cash or Willy Nelson, depending on your mood, but it doesn’t matter because I’m pretty sure he was playing playing harmonica for Michael Sarver earlier?  Am I right?  I think I’m right.  That he did well.  The song?  I really couldn’t have cared less.  I asked my husband what he thought of Anoop’s performance, and he said it was Prosaic, which means he went to Princeton and I went to public high school and he likes to rub it in my face occasionally.

Things that would have made more sense in retrospect aside: Adam and Anoop should have traded songs.  Anoop would have at least looked the part and Adam could get a jump start on his career as a Pet Shop Boys cover artist. 

Megan Joy came on stage with what sounds like the plague and sang Walking After Midnight.  Kate is totally pregnant.  Think about it.  EVERYONE had to be on that plane, right?  Including little half-Shepherd fetus-baby.  Well, little half-Shepherd fetus-baby got caught up in a plot line, and also is 3, so he’s not going to be on the plane but Kate and Jack totally got it on right before they got on that plane.  PREGNANT.  I bet you a bottle of maple syrup and a Molson on it.  Oh, and Megan butchered the song.  Whatever.  She’s been in the hospital or something.  Which may or not may explain her cracked out twitching.

Matt Giraud sangs So Small by, you guessed it.  Carrie Underwood.  I’d really love to tell you about it, but I’m currently suction-cupped to my couch and can’t reach the computer.

Mr Robinson’s Neighborhood aside:  Boys and girls, can you say ‘authenticity’?  Paula:  Me me me!  Look at me!  Look at me!  *ahem*  Authentiss, antithisisitist, titty, authentinchronicity?

And now, for the jugdes scores:

Randy’s nightly Dawg count:Only two, shockingly enough.  Kris got one and then he called Anoop “Annoopdawg.”  Which doesn’t count.  But sounds pretty tasty.  Randy gets a “You Read the thesaurus!” star.

Times Paula regurgitated what all the other judges said but made absolutely no point or sense:  Four times.  Paula gets a “t-t-t-today, junior!” star and a carton of 2% milk.

Kara helps us understand why the hell she’s breaking up the band: She brought something unique to the table tonight.  She asked someone to sing the alphabet, not the phone book.  Baby steps, baby steps off the bus.  And her necklace looks exactly like the curtains I asked my mother in law to give me when she moved to Africa but just to spite me, she sold them with her condo to people with dogs who couldn’t even leave them up, and now I have remember that I have one totally unused reason to loathe my mother in law sitting in my pocket.  Kara gets a “Homewrecker!” star.

Simon. Moobs. That is all.

. . . . .
Visit Mr. Lady at Whiskey In My Sippy Cup

Comments

[Sweetney]

BEST. AMERICAN IDOL RECAP. EVAR.

Who's the big winner? MR. LADY IS!

[Suzy Q]

The only way I can watch Idol anymore is to DVR it while simultaneously watching something else I've already recorded. I check in every half hour or so, zip through all the ridiculous Ryan Seacrest shit and the commercials, listen to the singer and then the judges. Except Paula. I zip through her cracked-out comments, too. Why waste my life?

My brilliant plan guarantees that of a bloated 2-hour show, I only have to watch about 20 minutes. Win!

[lori]

HAHAHAH this is hilarious. I can't watch the show but the recaps are awesome.

(also, sorry to be Ms. Correcto, but it's culottes)(sorry)(also: i need to see the pics of paula in her culottes)(sorry)

[amalah]

OH MY GOD YOU'RE RIGHT KATE IS TOTALLY PREGNANT.

I don't watch AI anymore but you STILL managed to keep me highly entertained, with a side of blowing my mind. WELL DONE MADAM.

[Marmite Breath]

The last time I watched AI, it was a showdown between Carrie and Bo. So, the show makes my head melt, but this recap was the shit (especially since you said t-t-t-today Junior, which I say at least ten times a day to my kids).

Also, Pet Shop Boys version of Always on my Mind ROCKED!

Oooh, Lost is tonight isn't it? The day doesn't look so grim now.

[Momo Fali]

You need to go away for a couple of weeks more often. Back with a VENGENCE, baby.

[Mr Lady]

Lori: I just can't be sad that I don't know how to spell culottes. I CAN'T.

[Kemi]

My husband counts the number of "Paula-pauses" in every comment. Last night I think he got up to 14. In a single critique.

I suggested he make a drinking game out of it, and he accused me of trying to kill him via alcohol poisoning.

I guess he has a point...

[Hockeyman]

I didn't know people still watch this show! Cool, the review was so good now I don't have to! Thanks Mr. Lady! ;)

[Maria]

This recap was totally funnier than the episode was.

Adam makes my skin crawl. And I LIKE floopy boys. He's just. Awful.

[Ed]

I must be the only one on Earth who really like that version of "Ring of Fire", which was originally done by Dilana (of Rockstar: Supernova). I'd heard it once before, maybe on Delphine Blue's show or something, and didn't know who did it until I looked it up on iTunes this morning.

I also like Kate Bush's "Rocket Man" bett3er than the original.

But that's just me. When a friend took me to a drum corps competition, and one of the bands started doing some really cool and inventive things with their zillion horns and drums, I turned to him and said, "Finally, something halfway original." He replied, "And that's why they'll come in last." And they did.

And yes, best recap evar.

[Mr Lady]

Ed, to be perfectly honest, I thought that Ring Of Fire bit was the best performance of the night. Not because I thought it was great, but because it was different. At least he put some thought into it, you know?

[Lee of MWOB]

Holy crap - that was awesome. I watched the entire show despite how painful it was and that post made me think you need to get a doctorate degree in AI-analysis. That shit was intense.

I love to watch, escape into an alternate reality and laugh my ass off which I did last night especially when Kara and Paula kept encouraging poor little Alexis to get more "dirty." "Yeah, yeah, dirty it up, yeah, make it dirty. We like you when you're dirty..." And poor Alexis is standing up there all 21 and shit and saying "Oh yeah America you bring me back next week and I'll show you dirty..."

I'm like what is she gonna do? Sing with her panties down around her ankles and waddle across the stage? Will that be "dirty" enough for Kara and Paula?

That just cracked me up....

Okay I'm done.

Nice post Mr. Lady - you need to do it every. single. week. Sorry.

[Matt]

Wow. This might be the funniest thing I have read in a month. Maybe three. Haven't seen one like THIS from you in a while.

I actually secretly agree with Ed about Ring Of Fire (hats off to Ed for referencing Dilana...I'm still looking for an mp3 of her singing "Time After Time") but am battling with some hetero issues in regard to Adam. He'd pull more from the 30-40 white male demo if he would stop talking altogether.

[maggie, dammit]

I have never in my life heard Randy Travis so aptly described.

[rockle]

oh, mr. lady -- that ravenous bugblatter beast of traal reference? beautiful. i love you. you really, really *GET* me, you know?

[Gratton Grapevine]

I have yet to get up the energy to bring myself to watch Idol this year. I think I'm going to skip PVRing it and just read your recaps. Absofuckinglootly hilarious!

[Karen MEG]

I'm glad that my hot chocolate was cold, or I would have hurt myself with it while reading this. I missed most of last night's show, I only caught from Anoop on. Looks like I didn't miss a whole lot.

[Mr Lady]

Rockle, *swoon*

[punk rock mom]

that was radically awesome and just made me fall deeper in love with you

[the planet of janet]

mr lady rocks american idol. rocks it.

[Gnilleps]

HAHAHAHHAH.... breath HAHAHHAHAHHA Yeah this was a great recap.

[Gnilleps]

OH! Damn you for LOST info... I have it on DVR till Fri. I hate you. *wink*