American Idol Season 8: Someone Call PETA

Last week on Idol, Alexis Grace was sent home after Randy Travis decided that town wasn't big enough for the two bobbleheads.

This week on Idol, Paula is wearing her poodle.

We start the show with Paula discussing Artistic Integrity which, when I looked it up, appears to mean singing top 40 songs with animated cats.  If you need proof of her devotion to the concept of "artistic integrity", I'm pretty sure you can order it on demand for $19.95+ tax through Comcast.

Anonymous Informant aside: Did you know that, of all the territories they cover, the highest rate of on-demand adult movie orders for Comcast per capita by a significant amount come out of Salt Lake City?  Fact.

We're introduced to Smoky Robinson, who is the guest mentor this week and who is so dedicated to staying relevant that he's hired Lil Bow Wow to be his stylist.  It's just the dawg in him; that's just the way he is.

Matt Giraud opens the show with Let's Get it On and what I learn from this is that with 3 shots of Patron in me and the correct lighting on him, he could be Justin Timberlake, and I could be in a lot of trouble.

Kris Allen sings How Sweet it Is by Marvin Gaye, but in my world it's by James Taylor because I totally have a grandpa crush on James Taylor, sagging balls be damned.  I have a roll of duct tape and shockingly little pride.  I watch Kris deep throating the microphone and I can't help but wonder, what does that microphone smell like?  Who knows what was in his mouth earlier today.   And then Paula goes called him infectious, and suddenly I'm pretty sure I do know what was in there earlier today, and it hurts me inside.

Beaker sings You Can't Hurry Love by Diana Ross and though he doesn't step out from the piano like Paula advised him to do last week, he does bring Janice, Floyd Pepper and Animal up to the piano with him, which sufficiently takes care of the problem and sends a message to Paula that he, if fact, knows what he's doing.  A blind man could tell you that.

I Wonder If She Can Make Change From a Roll of Quarters aside: Paula says she has something for Simon, bends over, pulls a coloring book and some crayons out from her, um, lower area for Simon and then says something about the rest of her goodies being under her dress.  Not kidding.  Dear god, don't let this be foreshadowing.

For Once in Her Life, no one makes an excuse for Megan Joy's total lack of ability to sing.  The Black Death has lifted from her; she thinks she may go for a walk, actually.  She feels happy!  I feel like q-tipping my ears with Anbesol.  She's singing motown, badly, and she wore her 5th grade, size 12 kids Carmen Miranda costume while she did it.  Paula, of course, said she looked great, and that means there's not a chance in hell she'll win AI.  Thank GOD.

Anoop-anoop, anoop, anoopanoopanoopanoopanoooo-oo-oo-i-oo-oop-Oop. Oop.  Does anyone else think that Steve Martin is totally weird as Jacques Clouseau?  I mean, he's a fine actor and I'd totally hit that shit, but he's clearly made the same pact with the Devil that The Rock, excuse me, Dwayne Johnson has made where he gets to have a life long career and fairly decent looks until he gets eaten by a landshark but everything he touches turns to Disney.  Not that The Pink Panther is X rated or anything, but it's wasn't exactly for kids either, you know?  Anyway, Anoop Desai sang Ooo, Baby Baby and when it was over, he turned to Ryan and said, "Then listen, listen - no matter what, we are not ending this night without White Castle in our stomachs. Agreed?"  Agreed. Photo:Wikipedia

Admitting I was wrong aside: Jorge's eyebrows actually aren't Yip Yips.  I totally made that up because they were the best thing ever on Sesame Street and lest we forget and all that jazz.  The truth is that when Spiderman gonged that black thing off of Eric Forman's disturbingly sexy body in Spiderman III, it traveled all the way to Puerto Rico looking for a suitable host and yup.  You guessed it.  Jorge.  When America gonged it off his face, it simply jumped over to Anoop's.  Sorry I lied.

And I didn't Even Need To Buy D Batteries to Fuck Myself aside: The very week I agree to take this gig, Fox move AI dead smack on top of Lost's time slot. PetCobra better be writing the mutha of all recaps, because it's starting now and I have five more singers to get through.

Michael Sarver ain't to proud to beg, or to prove on national tv that he really has no idea what Churchin' It Up means.  Michael, baby, if you ain't never been to the ghetto, don't ever come to the ghetto.  'Cause you wouldn't understand the ghetto, so stay the fuck out of the ghetto.  He did try really hard, though, and the boy's got a little Southern Baptist in him tucked somewhere, which is good because even though they're assholes to red-headed polygamist children who preach to them at tourist stops, the brothers can kick out the jams, yo.

Lil' Rounds makes really questionable choices in monikers but really fantastic choices in denim.  I like big butts, I cannot lie.  She sings Heatwave and though maybe I don't quite feel that heat, I do want to set her earrings ablaze and toss lions through them.  If J-Lo hoops-meets-bedazzled-extensions is the rage, then I want to be the machine.

Adam Lambert is a Dapper Dan man.  He sings More Than Words by ExtremeTracks of My Tears and I feel slightly conflicted inside because it's truly outrageous, like, more than Jem, but it's kind of like an acoustic Rockabilly Nelson ballad and I think I should be ashamed for loving it.  However, I've done seriously more degrading things in the name of love before, so I'm over it quickly.  It doesn't matter, anyway; it'll be in the background of some pivotal transition scene on a House episode in a few weeks and then everyone will love it.

O.M.G.  So, like, the other night, Danny Gokey totally sang Get Ready and Smokey was all, "Dude" and Danny was like, "Sweet!" and then Smokey was all, "But you should, like, so totally sing those lines you're leaving for the backup singers cause you da bomb, baby!" and Danny was all, "Hellz yeahz I will!" and then he was like, "Smokey is SO TOTALLY RAD and I'll, like, do anything he wants me too for sures!" when he was at his house but when he went live on tv tonight, he like, totally DISSED Smokey right to his face!  He didn't do any of the stuff he said he would!  Triple snap in Z formation!"

Career Suicide (Don't Do It) aside: If Smokey Robinson tells you to sing something, you sing it.  You don't tell him you're going to and then not sing it when he's sitting 10 feet away from you.  Make a note of it.

Alison Iraheta's Papa Was A Rolling Stone, and I'm fairly certain her sister was Kelly Clarkson.  Paula starts the song on her feet, I'm guessing because whatever it was she had under her skirt for Simon was chaffing/making a run for it.  The camera stays on Alison while she sings, and when it returns to the judges table, Simon is smirking and actually praising Alison and Paula is seated next to him silently with black crap all over her face.  Under your dress indeed, Paula.

Things I've Learned From American Politics aside: It's easier for everyone in the long run if you just swallow.

And now for the judges:

Which drug is Paula on this week?  X, definitely.  She spent the whole night stroking her arm, wide-toothed grinning at the boys (the better to eat you with), oogling Simon's rippling neck muscles every time he talked, and she actually once had an original and almost coherent thought.  X, all the way.

Yoko Ono makes the other judges sweat: She gave Scott a yo, inflicted Paula's curse of doom on Megan, and stood up to cheer for Adam.  At least Simon still has job security.

Randy yo count: Matt.  Just one, to Matt.  Really, I'm losing my edge.  Let's do a "dude" count, instead.

Randy Dude count: Only two?  Megan, Matt and that's it?  What is happening to the world?

Randy made-up word count: One: Balladier.  He told Anoop he was Ballad-y-er.  That's respectably idiotic.

Simon has black semen.  That is all.

Comments

[Momo Fali]

For crap's sake, my stomach hurts. Mr. Lady, you complete me. You had me at Beaker.

[Joie at Canned Laughter]

You are evil. And? I love it. Looking forward to the Jennifer Hudson performance they supposedly taped last night to show tomorrow. Or are they taping it tomorrow? Dunno. Just know we won't see the live performance, only studio audience sees that. Also? My bet for this season's basket case goes to Gokey. You heard it here first.

[Mr Lady]

You have no idea, dude. :-)

[Julie]

Absolutely brilliant and so SO funny!! Thanks for the laugh! BEAKER?? Hysterical!

[Mr Lady]

It's funny because it's TRUE.

[AmyC65]

I think her name is Lil. Like, Lillian. For short. A few weeks ago Simon insisted on addressing her at "little".

Balladeer is a word. I did not see Randy say the word, so perhaps there's a joke there that is lost in translation.

[Mr Lady]

You may be right about the Balladeer thing. I'll concede that one, but even if her name IS Lillian Rounds (it is) Lil' Rounds is still a questionable stage name. And it's all I've got to go on, because dag that girl can sing, so I'm sticking to it. ;-)

[Amie]

I missed the show last night, because I was busy doing other things, and my DVR was set to more important shows, such as America's Next Top Model, but this recap makes me feel like I was sitting right on my sofa watching it.

Too fucking funny.

[Renee]

The paula/simon antics were terrifying but nobody quite recapped the creepiness like you.

Aside: The reason Utah has higher numbers is because you can't find the adult stuff in a video store. Not sure how different the numbers would be in that case, but it's a relevant fact...

The Justin Timberlake comment cracked me up. I don't even want to know how many girls have fooled themselves in a dark club.

[JennyM]

I'm not sure I'm willing to give Randy enough doubt benefit to have legitimately worked the word "balladeer" into conversation. I vote for "ballad-ier."

[Mr Lady]

I'm pretty sure he said Ballad-y-er. He's really not giving me much this season so far. It makes me sad.

[Lee of MWOB]

Okay dude - I did NOT think you could do better than last week's recap and you DID! I laughed multiple times OUT LOUD and that NEVER happens to me when I read ANYTHING! I am not kidding! I am totally addicted to Mr. Lady's recaps - what will I do when the season is over? Geez....I'm already worried about withdrawal.

Okay - thank GOD you called Danny out on dissing Smokey! But why in the hell didn't the judges call him out on it? Simon? Whaaa??? That is something he would usually handle like "Why did you diss Smokey?' But he didn't. I guess cause he was busy with his black semen so it makes sense....

and Beeker? I'm laughing and kinda going "Oh......" 'cause even though you are so right. I'm basically in love with Beeker and his pink pants. I just can't help myself.

Last night was awesome on so many levels and I could go on and on...but guess what? I won't.

[Kemi]

I snorted when I got to the part about Animal, Janice and the other muppet.

Somehow, I missed the part with the crayons. Darn it, next week I am FORCING my husband to listen to Paula's rambles, no matter how idiotic, because when you FFW, you miss things.

[punk rock mom]

while watching the show I literally turned to Joey and said. I can't wait to read what Mr. Lady has to say about tonite. And did anyone else notice that Megan changed her last name and referred to "her fans". Diva-status!

[Tanis Miller]

Beaker.

They should totally do a Muppets Idol. That's something I could get behind.

[Amanda of Shamelessly Sassy]

Something about Kris Martin really bothers me. I think it is the strange way he holds his mouth when he sings. It's semi-sideways and very Joey Potterish. He also sort of looks like an orangutan when his mouth is opened really wide, and it freaks me out.

The thing I'm most upset with about American Idol this year is that while I love the talent, none of them are dry-hump worthy. I mean, last season, I was all about taking the notion to dry hump my tv when David Cook or Michael Johns was on. This year--I'm all, 'eehhh.' Adam Lambert is pretty hot, but I feel like he likes boys and would not appreciates a dry hump from me.

[Cuz_I'm_The_Mom]

Smokey’s been churning make-out music since the 60s. My parents snogged to his tunes as did I. To this day, if I hear Being With You I’m right back at the Junior High dance with Bonne Bell lip gloss and Gloria Vanderbilt jeans.
(I can't believe Danny dissed him like that.)

Great balls of fire -- ALLISON kicks ass. She’s amazing! Talks like she’s been smoking unfiltered Camels since she’s three but sings like a superstar! I really believed that her Papa Was a Rolling Stone even though her real-life Papi is alive and well and hauls all the primos down to the mercado to listen to his little Chola sing to la raza. This girl has major pipes. I can’t believe she was in the bottom three last week!

[Cuz_I'm_The_Mom]

One more thing: it pissed me off when Smokey gave Adam a standing ovation which Adam took in stride with a little tight-lipped smile. WTH?!?!?!? Smokey gives you mad props and you TAKE IT IN STRIDE??? Anyone else would have lost his shit. Ya know, get teary or something… Sheesh. (BTW, did anyone notice Kara make a big deal about standing up following Adam’s performance AFTER Smokey frickin’ Robinson already stood up? Sit down, woman. You cain’t follow Smokey.)

[Gnilleps]

HAHAHAHHA
Anonymous Informant aside - Comment: "Therefore now let your hands be strengthened." (II Samuel 2: 7a)

Beaker... where do you get this shit... Really? That was brilliant.

I LOVE Gokey and I was a little offended how he dis'd Smokey... I mean after that video clip and all... He should have closed that song with a mannequin that had "career" tatoo'd on it's forehead, then shot it.

And on Paula... Did you see her skirt? From the back? Kaede would have worn it. "ook m-eye pincess ress"

[Ashlie- Mommycosm]

It's easier for everyone in the long run if you just swallow.

LOL. Best line. Ever.

[Mamapajama]

Sweet Jesus, the tears...the tears won't stop and my weak bladder can't take the funny... Mr. Lady, you rock my AI world, snark never tasted so good!

[Gunfighter]

Hi Mr Lady!

My take on the show was that Lil has made some bad decisions. She is the best singer on the show, hands down, but she is having a hard time selling it.

Matt is another Timberlake wannabe... Kris is just fodder to be thrown out later, as in the effing horrible Megan, and Michael Sarver (no... he got tossed last night).

As for Allison... I think she is a bit of a one trick pony... she has that whole unfiltered Camels sound, but that shit gets old. I wonder why it is that no one seems to have noticed that she forgot an entire line from Papa was A Rollin' Stone?

'Noop dawg.... well, a good performance, but he ain't gonna win.

Gokey... well I still want to punch him in the face every time he is on television.

Which leaves Adam. Weird or not, that MoFo can really lay it down.

[April McCaffery]

I was so pissed that the judges didn't call Danny out for dissing Smokey's advice! Because, yes, I take AI WAY too seriously.

[coffee]

Megan Joy is definitely cute... and i suspect that's the main thing keeping her in the running