Every Time a Celebrity Blogs, God Crushes a Kitten

Celebrities blog.  This is a problem of which we at MamaPop have long been aware.  It's not that every celebrity is necessarily terrible at executing the medium, but it seems that a large number of them tapping away in cyberspace have not thought to let any of their handlers have a crack at editing the crazy they throw out in front of the public.

Here is a word of advice: If you are famous enough that you can make legitimate complaints about being harrassed and misrepresented by the paparazzi, then perhaps you might want to reconsider talking about your penis online.  Just a thought.

A repeat offender that I cannot get enough of is Kanye West:

That is just comedy gold.  It must suck to be slammed for being a douchebag so often, but pounding away ham-fistedly in all-caps on your MacBook Air about it makes you look like that nerdy kid in elementary school with anger management issues who peed on his desk every couple of months.  He probably wasn't down with doing bi-sexual porn, either.  He was more into G.I. Joe.

Also, Lindsay Lohan:

Like, omigod, you can totally just say whatever you like, because Myspace is a bubble safe from the prying eyes of the paparazzi and the tabloids and stuff, and you can just write and write and write, because you love writing and are a writer!  Also, everybody will believe everything you say there, because people only ever tell the truth on Myspace!

Matthew McConaughey has a website, but it is so annoying that I did not even take the time to take a screenshot of it.  It has automatic music when it loads, an opening splash page, a difficult-to-read handwriting font on his journal page, and an animated frog that makes it really difficult to concentrate on his shitty font.  Matthew, please go fire your website designer now.  That person needs their knuckles rapped.

The pièce de résistance that sparked this whole thing, though, comes fresh from John Mayer:

Today, I know something about John Mayer's penis.  I never really thought about his penis before, but as soon as I read his tweet about it, I had a picture of it in my head.  An image of John Mayer's penis is in my head.  I don't want his squashed, numb, penis in my head.

Today's media have made celebrity a circus of dirt dishing.  Whatever can be dug up and served to the public through the eyes and ears of people who are willing to troll Hollywood and New York for anyone with recognizable features is dished out, and, frankly, it's kind of embarrassing what we are all willing to eat up.  This, though?  This blogging thing?  CELEBRITIES, CONTAIN YOURSELVES.  In most other careers, openly blogging such crap would be an obvious misstep.  This is as public as it gets, and now we know too much.

Comments

[Sarah, Goon Squad Sarah]

Today I learned something about John Mayer AND about biology.

I did not know that one's penis COULD fall asleep.

[Palinode]

Mayer should pour some Gatorade on his crotch. Or some Brawndo.

Also he should remove his blogging hands.

[Jennifer H]

Lindsay is, like, such a good writer.

Perhaps that news from John Mayer led to his breakup with Jen? That kind of thing can't possible help a relationship. ;-)

[Shanan]

"It has automatic music when it loads, an opening splash page, a difficult-to-read handwriting font on his journal page, and an animated frog that makes it really difficult to concentrate on his shitty font."

I'm torn. On the one hand, yes, crap-tacular web design. On the other . . . I'm tempted to say more frogs. If you are going to make a crappy website make it balls-to-the-wall awful. I want more frogs, an air raid siren instead of music . . .

StrongBad has some really good suggestions that might help Matthew:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KkQlCtQJT7c

[Joie at Canned Laughter]

Please don't discourage celebrity blogs/tweets! I think I'd get the DT shakes if I didn't get my daily dose of Snoop Dogg. As for Mr. Mayer? eew.

[Momo Fali]

Lindsay is...like, totally...SOOOO right about MySpace. Everyone shares their real self there.

Now, for real, can we all agree that Jennifer Aniston needs her head examined?

[Kristen-Mommy Needs a Cocktail]

I'm not saying it is in any way related, but @johncmayer did put that tweet up just moments after I confessed that my support pantyhose for my childbirth-related blood clots made my crotch fall asleep.

[JellyBean]

Twitter is going to be the downfall of many celebrity careers - instant, emotional posts w/o the censorsip of a PR rep or Mgr. I love it!!

[steff]

haha! i like your thinking jellybean. i would like nothing more than to observe first hand the self-inflicted downward spiral of the whole entitled hollywood crew. bombs away!

[annie]

John Mayer can actually sit with his legs crossed? I didn't know men could do that comfortably and my husband assures me it's a size issue that dictates this.

Celebrities should step away from keyboards or have them wrestled out of there clubbed fists by their "people" and leave the blogging to those who know what they are doing and aren't stupid besides.

Don't they know we can spot pimping? (example @KellyRipa follows NO ONE)

[monkey]

One of my law school classmates went to undergrad with John Mayer and knew him. When I asked him what the Your Body is a Wonderland guy is like in person he replied that "Yeah, I don't give a f*ck if he's famous and f*cking supermodels now, I don't ever want to see that clown again."

That was five years ago...guess he's always been kind of a douche.

[Cheri @ Blog This Mom!]

Ya learn something new every day. A penis can fall asleep? Okay.

:-)

[Emily]

Anyone can create a twitter username. Who's to say this is actually John Mayer? I just take my celeb gossip with a healthy dose of skepticism.

[Suzy Q]

I think John Mayer was yanking everyone's chain. I used to not like him until I saw a couple of interviews; he's actually pretty self-deprecating.