American Idol Season 8, The Top 9 Sing The Top 40. And It Made Jesus Cry.

Last week on Idol, Michael Sarver went home to begin his career as Brett Favre's stunt double. This week on Idol, Paula is wearing a strapless pinata with a rock candy necklace. I already hate this night.

Anoop Doggie Dawg Desai starts the show by singing Usher. Simon called it "an utter mess", which of course means that he did a perfect Usher impression. The judges told him it sucked and he got all puffy in the chest and started shooting gang signs. He explained his goal was to be an R&B artist and that he was just keepin' it real, dawg. Then he mumbled something about the violence inherent in the system and help help; he was being repressed.

Reality Check aside: Yeah buddy, I wanted to be a debaser.  Guess what?  You can't always get what you want.

Sanjaya Malakar is still on the show and she sang Bob Marley and/or Lauren Hill's Turn Your Lights Down Low.  I'm no fan of the reggae, but I will say that Redemption Song is possibly one of the finest songs ever written, and Turn Your Lights Down Low doesn't suck at all, either.  And neither deserve to be slaughtered by Megan Joy.  But that girl sure does have gorgeously big, white teeth; the better to bite me with. *eye roll*

What Hurts the Most is Rascal Flats' music, but Danny Gokey sang the fuck out of that song.  Now, I don't normally advocate mixing pop and country, at least not on an empty stomach, because you could easily end up with something like Johnny Cash singing a NIN song or Carrie Underwood belting out Sweet Child O' Mine or even worse, Shania Twain singing anything, but Danny Gokey could very well bring have found his niche in the Pountry music scene.  And then I could secretly pine for him just like I do Hootie.  Don't you judge me.

Allison Iraheta says she grew up listening to Don't Speak by No Doubt, which means I'm old enough to be her mother.  Maybe aunt.  Speaking of aunts, it's time to play Six Degrees of Separation with Kevin Bacon!  

• Kevin Bacon starred in JFK with 
• Tommy Lee Jones who starred in Firebirds with 
• Nicholas Cage who starred in Leaving Las Vegas with 
• Steven Weber who starred in The Shining Remake with 
• Me!  (Really, last scene, graduation) Who went to church for 16 years with
• Cyndi Lauper's aunt Rose.

So, yeah, me and Cyndi Lauper?  Like *this*.

I told you all that to tell you this aside:  Hey Allison!  Cyndi Lauper just called and she wants her entire trademark look back.  

Scott MacIntyre sings Billy Joel's Just the Way You Are with his piano, David Hasselhoff's hair and Ricky Martin's clothes.   Oh, irony, you are so delicious.

Matt Giraud sang The Fray who are from Denver, just like me.   Which has nothing to do with anything, I just like to mention it when I can.  The thing with The Fray is that we're all really proud of them and grateful to them for putting Denver on the music map, but they can barely sing their songs.  The only person who could even attempt to cover them would be the Me First and the Gimme Gimmes, and they'd have to be really, really drunk.  It was something of a trainwreck, and let's hope that Matt just sticks to the R&B fusion songs from here on out so I can get back to my Justin Timberlake fantasies already.  

Tonight on Canadian Idol, Lil' Rounds sings I Surrender by Celine Dion which may be the one and only Celine Dion song I don't know.  What I do know is that Lil' Rounds won't be winning American Idol this year, and that I know for sure.  Every week the judges tell her she's picking the wrong songs and every week she follows their advice and falls flat on her lil' rounds again.  At some point those judges are going to realize it was them picking bad contestants and maybe then they'll realize that they're each expendable and Fox could, at a moments notice, send in a whole new judge to do their job and look hotter than any of them including Ryan while she's at it.  Oh, wait.  As for the song, all I can say that as bad as it was, at least it wasn't Celine Dion.

That Drill, This Temple, Now aside: There is a law on the books in Canada called the Canadian Content Law and what that means for us it that 35% of all broadcast media in Canada must be of Canadian origin.  Which means that 11.66% of all broadcast media must be of Celine Dion origin.  Which is why the government has to provide free health care.

Then Tom Jones came out on the stage and gave us a sneak peak of his new Vegas show featuring the arrangements of Academy and Grammy award winning composer Andrew Lloyd Webber called Play That Funky Music, White Boy. Or maybe that was just Adam Lambert, who the hell knows.  Whatever it was, it kind of worked in a weird Elvis Does Funk sort of way, which would be a whole lot like Debbie Doing Dallas just with less oral and way more coke.  Paula liked it so much she leaned all the way over the table and smushed her boobies together for Adam's delight which was awesome because A) really. Flames shoot out of that boy and B) she's got boobies that fold like fine, Chinese origami.  Because they're old.  Or maybe because she wore a pinata three sizes too small.

Poker?  I barely know'er aside: When Yoko Ono hates your performance, she leans back in her chair and smirks.  When she thinks you've done well, she sits at a perfect 90 degree angle in her chair with a look on her face that if you didn't know better, you'd think meant she was about to hurl chunks.  Because she wants you to fail.

Kris Allen is singing Ain't No Sunshine by Bill Withers which is one of the greatest songs in the whole world.  Fact.  Much to my disappointment, he did a really fantastic job with it and that sucks because GOD I want to hate him and his high school prom boy ways.

And now, for the judges, who's theme for the night was I Want To Be Sedated.

Though no one sang the dictionary (or the phone book for that matter) tonight, Paula certainly did read the thesaurus before the show.  Holy Big Words, Batman.  And she appeared to have borrowed President Obama's teleprompter for the evening.  The good news is that they've finally found the right balance of antipsychotics for her; the bad news is that she is absolutely no fun at all when she's sedated.

Randy and Simon have apparently thrown their hands in the air and handed this show over to the women.  I don't know if we should be sad or celebrating.  Or watching something else.

Yoko Ono is apparently gunning for everyone's job now.  She bitch-slapped contestants and got boo'ed by the audience like Simon, stole both "Word" and "Dawg" from Randy,  showed entirely too much cleavage like Paula and even dipped her toes in Mary Murphy's crazy-pool, just in case this American Idol thing doesn't pan out.  So you think you can ride the Hot Tamale Train?

I don't think so.

Comments

[Ms. Maxwell]

Woman, I have no idea how your brain can come up with this manic but hilarious play by play so I'll just say word. Dawg.

[Maria]

Your six degrees made me so happy.

I wanted to hate Adam and he was kinda good. What up.

[punk rock mom]

oh man, you are so awesome. And right on. My heart is now officially taken by you and Kris Allen, even though he spells his name with a K and that bothers me more than you can imagine, but hey he didn't name himself.

[AmyC65]

eerrrrrgh. Adam grates on my very last nerve. He is a poser, IMHO. If they did Johnny Cash night he would totally wear boots and all black. I don't think he has his own style, he is just "playing" rock star. He's too "perfect" in his style.

And the falsetto? OK, we get it. You've got it. Now stop doing it every 12 measure.

[Lee of MWOB]

Wednesdays will never be the same for me when this AI ride is over. And that's all because of you. How you can nail this shit is beyond me....the Paula sedation? I'm with ya. No one likes a sedated Paula...but I love her comments where she waxes philosophical - my favorite last night was something along the lines of "Greatness is when you don't exceed expectations, it's when you shatter it." And she stutters in that Paula sedated way and I love it.

And gawd - please don't even suggest Yoko could make it onto my favorite summer time reality show.....although maybe Mary and her could get into some interesting cat fights...

One last thing because I secretly want to write my own Idol recap in your comment section, Kris Allen did nail it last night. But geez pleeeaaasssee shave off that wispy weird hair on your chin and upper lip!! That kind of hair truly gives me the heebie geebies....*shudder*. And NOT in a good way.

[Mr Lady]

It's from 17 years of oxygen starvation in Denver, I'm pretty sure. :)

[Mr Lady]

It's a moral juxtapostion of epic proportions, I know.

[Mr Lady]

Kris really needs to get back to his suck = his annoyance level.

[Mr Lady]

What sucks? Is that the boy can sing. We're not done with or his Robert Smith wannabe ways yet.

[Mr Lady]

No, the hair actually helps. If I can do ONE thing better than him, it's growing facial hair. It makes me feel better. :)

[Joie at Canned Laughter]

You don't know how much I've looked forward to this post all week. Once again you amaze me. My favorite partof the show? The reference to the disco days of Studio 58. Um...what?

[Mr Lady]

Dude, I KNOW. I think they were all tripping last night or something.

[Renee]

Just wanted to say that the Me First and the Gimme Gimmes reference was appreciated. They are the original American Idol.

[matt]

Fine, Chinese, Origami. Even I don't need a teleprompter to know thats funny.

[BusyDad]

This is killing me, and I don't even officially "get" the jokes because I don't watch the show. Kind of like my everyday life, come to think of it.

[Mr Lady]

Renee, you are my hero.

[Mr Lady]

Dude, you WERE the show. Wait until I get to that, by the way.

[Mr Lady]

Seriously, it was impressive.

[steff]

WOW. i LOVE you. are you single? free later? i'm actually not, i just thought i would ask. my brain and it's lack of wit is crushing hard on your brain's re-capability. play date?

call me.

[Mr Lady]

If you knock me up, I'm going to KILL YOU. :)

[Just Meee]

...too much cleavage like Paula and even dipped her toes in Mary Murphy's crazy-pool... WHAT? ?

I was following all along with the AI round-up... but that line threw me...

AND what about Megan... was she high or what? or perhaps I should say HOW HIGH was she... she gets voted off... and she is flopping and shuckin and jivin all over the stage singing her 'swan song'... and what does Simon say... I can't remember it... but he must have realized she was LOADED and was glad to get rid of her ! ! !

FINALLY ~

[Momo Fali]

Fact. My husband won't watch American Idol with me unless I agree to fast forward through most of it. Fact. I made him sit through the entire rendition of Ain't No Sunshine, because I love that song so much I want to marry it. Fact. I had to make promises for things I can't mention here.

Adam Lambert is Jack Russell reincarnated. Not the terrier, but the Great White singer with the high-pitched whine, who is technically "not dead" and therefore can't be reincarnated, but you know, a girl can dream.

[Mr Lady]

I don't pretend to even understand myself half the time, sister.

DID MEGAN GO HOME? I really should start watching the elimination shows.

[Mr Lady]

If Keith Richards can be reincarnated, there's no reason Jack Russell can't.

[sizzle]

I loved every single sentence of this recap. Let's make out.