American Idol Season 8 Top 4: Jesus Christ, They're Superstars!

Last week on Idol, Matt went home.  Praise be to your deity of choice.  I'm going with the Flying Spaghetti Monster.

This week on Idol, nothing at all is going to be as good as Paula Abdul finally admitting that she has a drug problem.  Which is really sad for her, what with her new single coming out and her career finally re-launching.  I mean, there's no way she can survive this.  No one does.  Just look at how it took Rush Limbaugh down.

Oh, wait....

God's finger is all over the show tonight, and we first see evidence of His presence when Ryan points out that the great big American Idol orb has fallen down earlier in the week because the Fox Theatre is supposed to be a house of prayer but we've made it a den of thieves.  Or it's just a piece of crap stage.  Either way. 

And then my bush in the back yard caught on fire, my first born almost got chopped in half and two big ass stone tablets dropped into my lap that had engraved on them "For those about to rock" and "We salute you" and I'm pretty sure that means we've got some classic rock coming our way.  Or it was the metric shit-ton of blue eyeshadow Paula wore tonight, and that Simon did his bangs for the show.

Paula's sponsor The mentor for the night is Slash, as in Slash.  From Guns N' Roses.  Maybe you've heard of them?  I get it that Paula might need a little help getting through those first few steps (I mean, not even I think there is a power out there great enough to restore that woman to sanity), but I can't think of one other reason why The Slash would do The Idol.  But there he is, so there must be a reason.

Which makes itself perfectly clear when Adam Lambert sings Whole Lotta Love and Andrew Lloyd Webber spooges all over his tv.  The good news is that Jesus Christ Superstar is coming back, and he ain't gonna look like Ted Neely this time, uh uh baby. Thy will be done on Broadway as it is in heaven.

Allison Irahetta takes the stage next wears Adam Lambert's hair better than Adam does and sings Janis Joplin's Cry, Baby better than Janis did.  In all fairness, Jenna Maroney sings Janis better than Janis did.  

Legal redaction aside: Alison sings Jackie Jormp-Jomp's songs better than Jackie did.  

Kris and Danny sing the first of two duets tonight and oh, mama, I'm in fear for my life from the long arm of that song.  I don't care what you think about God or organized religion or men who still spike their hair up with LA Works gel; choir boys can rock them some harmony.  And Danny directs a church choir, which is totally freaking hot in a Renegade sort of way.

Because irony is more delicious than chocolate and won't get me busted for that whole gluttony thing aside: I mean, I'm just sayin', that pesky first commandment says all that stuff about having no idols against God's face or something.  And Danny's a church choir director.  On American Idol.  But what do I know?  I'm just some dirty hell-bound heathen.

Kris Allen sings Come Together by The Beatles and every one of the judges hates it because Kris just isn't a rock guy and he tried to hard to be rock and everyone knows that Abbey Road was such a hardcore rock album and how dare he bring the funk in a song on the same rock album as Maxwell's Silver Hammer which is, like, the world's greatest rock anthem. It's just blasphemy.  </sarcasm>  Now, if he'd gone all Maroon 5 with Happiness is a Warm Gun, I'd have happily brought my hammer down upon his head (do du-do do), but as it is, I liked it.  For the exact same reason the judges didn't.  Because it's all part of his rock and roll fantasy, which is really what he should have sang tonight.  For the record and all.

Danny Gokey thinks he can handle Aerosmith and I have just one thing to say to that....Dream On, Danny.  Dream On.  

Allison and Adam do not sing Paradise By The Dashboard Lights for their duet which gravely disappoints me, but I get it that singing that song with a 16 year old would get probably Adam registered as a sex offender in several states, gay or not, so they sing Slow Ride by Foghat instead.  Which I can't guarantee even Allison's parents are old enough to know, but I am.  In fact, I'm old enough to own the vinyl.  Which kind of makes me want to get a cross and nail myself to it.

And now for my predictions: Danny goes home this week, Kris goes home next week, Paula goes home with him, Slash goes back to doing respectable work, Simon goes to Target for some new Hanes t-shirts and I go straight to hell for this recap.

Comments

[LauraJT77]

No one sing Janet better than Janet. That is Blasphemy!

[Nates Mom]

I love Danny, but really? Steven Tyler? No one should attempt that! Still, I wouldn't send him home, because iId rather hear Danny's B-movie scream abusing Aerosmith than Adam's freakishly high voice on every song he sings.

[Julie]

Amen

[michele]

i love the storyline in 30 rock of jenna doing janis' life story but without the rights.

[steff]

Who is Janet?

[Jo Anna]

Best recap evah!!! Already Tweeted and FB'd you. Thinking about not even watching it tonight and just reading you tomorrow. Hmm... NAH!

[Renee]

You are funny. And right. About everything.

-=Not you pretending to be someone else praising you, I swear

[Julie]

No idea, I was just got caught up with the religious theme...and the silly.

[Lee of MWOB]

I think I wanna go to the American Idol tour with you....wanna go? :-)

The now infamous Danny scream should keep him around to the end. I need that kind of unpredictable gut-busting laughter moment inspired by him to keep me alive. I was still laughing this morning when I woke up.

I get all squishy inside reading your recaps. I can't believe there are only two left....bummer.

I'm starting a "Get Paula back on the Pills" movement - wanna join in?

[Matt]

This episode of AI marks the moment in my life where I vowed to never watch this show again. I threw up a little when Danny and Kris sang Styx side by side, then went ahead and heaved the rest of the way when Danny sang frikking Aerosmith in the same vest I wore to prom.

I'm done. I hate it.

I'll still read your updates though :)

[LauraJT77]

You guys are making me weep. Janis Joplin is one of the best female blues singers in history. I urge each of you to buy her 18 essential songs CD in order to familarize your self with music back when the majority of it was good not just the few and far between we see today.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Janis_Joplin

[Joie]

When Adam sings, my dog covers her ears and writhes in pain. I was going to video this phenomenon, but first I decided I'd better anesthetize myself. After a few too many liquid anesthetics I forgot to pull out the camera and just sat on my ass laughing and pointing at the poor dog. Then my ears began to bleed.
The moral: It is better not to incur the wrath of a vengeful Cowell as he will send his Lambert to smite thee.

[Raven]

Did anyone else catch Kara saying that Kris should have done "early Aerosmith" and gave as examples of "early Aerosmith" Crazy and Cryin'? The 90's?

Whaaa?

[Julie]

Oh my goodness no! I LOVE Janis! I think her voice was, is and will be eternally amazing. I just have no idea who this Janet person is.

[Julie]

It was a long work day. I was giddy.

[matt]

WORD! I forgot about that.

[Aimee Greeblemonkey]

I am just gonna start copying and pasting your recaps for my recaps. WAY more entertaining.

[Kim @ Ponytaildiaries.com]

This is the first time in pretty much ever that I'm sad to not have cable. I turned it off because I was tired of paying for my television to suck ass. But then? Slash? On television? I don't care if it is a show that is beyond bad, dammit. I want my Slash TV. I will be hitting YouTube. And the bottle.