Bikinis and Zombies Go Together like...

I love to support independent films and sure other people might call me a hero, and I would totally understand why, but I'm not in this for the glory, I'm in it for the fortune, obviously... so here's the point...ready? The first full trailer for Oneechanbara Vortex has been released and it looks to have captured the subtle eroticism and hidden mystique of the first two Oneechanbara films with aplomb. The carefully interwoven narrative that accentuates the inherent beauty of female bonding and camaraderie coupled with the nuanced social commentary in which Japan analyzes how it's zombie-filled future will mesh with it's feudal past. It is a hard-cutting investigation into how dressing in a sailor suit is the best possible solution to any problem.

Or maybe it's a bunch of scantily clad Asian women chopping up zombies with samurai swords. And if you think that's gross and sexist, than you are probably a racist, and everyone knows that racism is way worse than alleged sexism that you can't even prove, and also I bet you hate foreign films because you don't like to read subtitles and maybe you should just go home and watch a Larry The Cable Guy Movie instead. What? I'm not being defensive. YOU'RE being defensive.

So maybe you're asking yourself why there has to be a trilogy of Bikini Cowboy, Zombie-Apocalypse movies and the answer is simple. Who cares? Did you even see the part about the bikinis? I tried to make that obvious. Maybe I should look up the HTML code for sparkle lights or something. Maybe the subtext is messing with you a little bit if you are asking questions like that. 

I was thinking about it, and really even the zombie parts seem a little superfluous. I mean, they could be fighting avocados for all I care. Maybe all the sexy ninja samurais got a tummy ache from some bad guacamole and then they have to take down the evil avocado conglomerate and then I would be all "This is the greatest movie ever. I wish the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences would stop being so stuck up and start giving Best Motion Picture Oscars to foreign films." And then I think maybe I ought to fact-check and make sure a foreign film has never won an Oscar for Best Motion Picture, because Life is Beautiful was up for one and I remember that crazy Italian man bouncing around on stage like a gerbil who just did an eight-ball, and then I think fact-checking sounds like an awful lot of work for this stupid  zombie movie, and then a hot girl in a bikini cuts a zombie in half and the legs are still walking around and blood is shooting up into the air like a fountain, and yep, she's still in a bikini and then I forget everything I was just thinking and also that I have an appointment I can't miss with my parole officer.

So I did a search for Oneechanbara Vortex action figures* blow-up dolls information because I am a serious investigative journalist and maybe I just uncovered Watergate ( I didn't.), and it turns out that the series is also a moderately popular video game franchise in Japan. And if you already knew that, don't get all self-righteous and know-it-all-y, because knowing the names of Japanese video game imports falls pretty damn low on the "Stuff-you-know-that-will-help-get-you-laid" scale. Like just before "The relativistic equation for the speed of light" but just after "The name of the actor who played Greedo". And if you wanted to, you could go on-line and find a whole slew of videos of half naked video game girls in bikinis and/or sailor suits fighting off zombies, but I bet you won't because you are way too mature and classy for that and also we all know video game girls never look at you with the same love in their eyes as cartoon porn girls. They are total snobs. 

Did it just get creepy in here? I think it did. 

"Also, Oneechanbara Vortex is a popular Manga comic series in Japan" he said, to the surprise of no one.

* After I made that joke I totally did a search for action figures, and I'm not saying there is one, but that's only because I saw her first and we are totally in love, and not in any weird perverted way, but in the nice hand-holding, she's super-supportive of my decision to remain unemployed kind of way. Shut up. You're just jealous.

Comments

[Alison]

Best wishes to you and your "friend." LOL!

**please don't let my husband ever become aware that such a thing exists pleasepleaseplease**

[natalie]

Kurt, I think you are very funny...but sometimes reading your posts, it's like reading Tristan Shandy. Can you please start including a cliff notes version

[~Infinity Cocks~]

Yeah, I wanna read, but I don't really wanna read like, whole sentences... So um... You should really work on that:p

[Captain Dumbass]

For a moment there I thought of asking my wife if she'd put on a bikini top and chaps and hold a couple of swords but then I realized she would and then cut me into little tiny pieces which she would carefully store in ziploc bags in the freezer and dispose of slowly so nobody would notice and I'm unemployed and don't talk to my family often enough for them to notice my absence until it was too late and she'd replaced the carpets and bleached the floor boards.

[Happy Hour Sue]

Hey-who do you think you are asking me to come over to a whole other website...Mr. Oh-I'm sure-you-love-me-so-much-i-can-tell-you-what-to-do.

Like I've got that kind of time. Like I'm not crazy busy with my own super-bloggy popularity answering fanmail that i have time go go hopping all over the interwebs following you.

Luckily for you it was worth it this time.

[Miss Yvonne]

I think I just figured out my next Halloween costume.