Q: How Do I Stop A Mega-Shark? A: Giant Octopus.

I know I'm a sucker for awesome movie titles but this time it's sure to work out great because It's only 11 days until Mega-Shark Vs. Giant Octopus is released directly to DVD and that's because Hollywood is oppressive to rich concept movies like this one and "Oh Hey! Didja hear?  They're making a Paul Blart sequel! " 

Awesome. 

I know it's hard to believe that a high-minded, forward-thinking film like Mega-Shark Vs. Giant Octopus could be relegated to the retail wasteland of Direct-to-DVD release without starring Frank Stallone, but look, eventually our standards will be elevated to the point where we can enjoy a good "Shark Vs."  movie without drawing disdainful gazes from passersby. Plus in this one, The Mega-Shark EATS San Fransisco apparently. Woo Hoo! Take that, people who like hills and progressive sexual expression!

And "Is the eleven days significant?", you might ask. Like maybe on some astrological level the eleven days between now and the release of what will undoubtedly be the movie event of this generation, will be filled with magic and rainbows, and men in capes waggling their fingers and ominous portents and voodoo and chocolate chips in your Chips Ahoy© that spell out "Jesus" only with a "w" in front so it's really "wesus" so you pick off a couple before you call the media and that's okay because that's what Wesus would do. (WWWD?) . I don't know. I'm not an astronomist. But I can say this. It WAS a full moon last night and I think we all know what that means. 

I think anytime you have a Giant anything it is best to combat it with a Mega- Something else. "Mega-" is  the super fighting prefix that tells everyone who reads it what the fuck the deal is. It's not like "Ultra-"  because that could be laundry detergent and there's nothing tough about getting stains out of clothes even is they do call them "tough, ground-in stains". That's just marketing. Eff You, "Ultra". And "Super"? "Super" makes me think of weird, mysterious, feminine-hygiene products with Super-absorbency and I don't even know what they are or where you guys put them or how they work. I just smile and nod and pretend someone is calling me when the commercialsfor them come on and when I don't have my phone on me, I use my shoe, and when I don't have my shoe, I fake a seizure. I don't even want to know. But "Mega-" gets right out there and punches you in the shoulder and you both laugh only it hurts, so you rub your shoulder and you're grateful that You and "Mega-" are such good friends and that he would have your back in a bar fight, as long as he wasn't hitting on any sloshed sorority girls and pretending to be a movie producer. Again. Stupid studly "Mega-".

If you followed the link then you saw that "Deborah Gibson" plays a lead character along with Lorenzo Lamas, who I don't even really need to talk about his being awesome, do I? But "Deborah Gibson" is a very clever alias a certain pop sensation from the late 80s uses when she's an actress and I'll give you a hint, I wanted to bone her more than Tiffany at the time. Give up? No, not Fred Schneider. It's Debbie Gibson! And if I was a lot smarter and had better social skills I would start to sing one of her songs right now, and you be all nostalgic and teary-eyed at your lost youth and sure maybe you got beat up at the prom for suggesting that one guy's girlfriend show you her "sweet meats"  but hey you were high as a kite and your date left with the DJ so what did he expect? Mother Theresa? You were a crazy kid is my point. And now we've bonded over Debbie Gibson and look at my readership skyrocket as I manipulate you into thinking we have a common bond. Mwa-ha-ha-ha. 

I'm totally rooting for Mega-Shark. The End.

Comments

[I'm Nate's Mom]

I was thinking Blondie, but wrong Debbie, right? Thank-you, Mr. Beam, for erasing most of my childhood.

[jamiegp]

Did you notice that the writer and director is none other than Jack PEREZ? Do you wonder why Sweetney married her way into a Perez clan? We are that awesome.

I'm rooting for the Giant Squid.

[~Infinity Cocks~]

Are you sure you wanted to bone Debbie more than Tiffany?! Well Tiffany is HURT! Oh! OH! Now she's sobbing and all that eye liner is running, and it's all YOUR fault, Kurt! You and... Ya know, the hormones. We're gonna need the Supers STAT!

Stop seizing, we need you to go to the store:D

[Bec]

After that post, I think I love you. And I KNOW I'll love that movie