Friday Eye Candy: Dad Gone Mad Edition

I wanted to call this 'Butthole Pucker Edition' (see below for the reason why) but that seemed, you know, unseemly.

Anyhoo. As penance for thinking too hard about Kate Gosselin's hair, Danny Evans, aka Dad Gone Mad, aka author of this awesome book, has provided this week's Eye Candy.

Or Sours. Or Butthole Puckerers. Or whatever.

Behold, Eye Candy According To Danny:

Well, I did consider the obvious choices. Jessica Biel. Brooke Burke. Other hotties. But I remembered that lately my son has introduced me to the growing phenomenon of sour candies: Sour Patch Kids, Sour Gummy Worms, and so forth. There’s just something about eating candy that makes your eyes water and your butthole pucker that I find really… satisfying. Therefore, the eye candy I have selected for you today follows the same recipe: sweet, but oh so sour.

1. Joan Rivers: Oh, Joan. Don’t listen to the others. Pay no attention to their teardowns. You and I both know that all those incision scars on your face are h-o-t-HOT! Be careful though. I fear that if you’re ever in a car accident, all of those stitches will come unstitched and you’ll walk away looking like Jabba The Hut. 

  

2. Janice Dickinson

Every time I see Janice’s hacked-up face and artificially plumped lips in that stupid gum commercial, I start chewing on my tongue. She’s that hot.

3. Jocelyn Wildenstein: Text me, Catwoman. Let’s go out for some Fancy Feast.

Ed. note: I would probably add Meg Ryan and Burt Reynolds and Carrot Top to the list of persons whose dependence upon surgical alteration has rendered them wholly puckerish. (Burt Reynolds and Meg Ryan would have to go in a special category for people who use to be hot and who probably would have aged hot but who decided that that natural hot is so middle America and so hacked away at themselves until they looked like alien Barbies and Kens that had been left in the sun to melt.) Any other suggestions?

Comments

[Redneck Mommy]

When I grow up I want to be just like Joan Rivers.

As my husband always says, it doesn't matter what they look like if you just bend them over.

(And my, I need my morning coffee....)

[Mary Beth (Cats, Books, Life is Good)]

Is it just me, or does the cat lady look more like a man now? Her face is all out of proportion with the rest of her body. How can she fix that? Let me think ....

[tonya]

Kenny Rogers. His hackerific face is spectacular.

[Kiki]

Ooh, ooh, I know this one! Bruce Jenner.

[DianaCLT]

Why does Janice look like she has just one boob in that pic? One oversized boob near the middle of her chest. Sex-ay! Did her implant come loose?

[Snarky Amber]

Rupert Everett

[rebecca]

oh, Rupert makes me so sad!

[Amy]

Oh man. Rick Springfield.

[DianaCLT]

Egads, yes. I miss his old face! :(

[Amanda B]

Victoria "I've never had plastic surgery" Principal