Transformers 2 Makes A Ton of Coin

Transformers 2: Revenge of The Fallen had the largest Wednesday box office in the history of American cinema and I was totally in that crowd so I am to blame. I feel like I've let you down America, because by supporting this film I have insured that they will make another one and that is really unnecessary because guess how many more giant transforming robots I need to see in my life? I'll give you a hint. It rhymes with "none".  

The movie made $60.2 million dollars on Wednesday, which, according to my calculations, is an ass-ton.

They told us we are supposed to stay positive and upbeat for this site and not so snarky so I'm going to try and say only nice things about this film even though it makes my eyes sad to remember watching it, and this is pretty much the greatest challenge of my life and way harder than trying to hide all the porn so the kids can't find it, because while I'm naturally super-sneaky and a good hider, I'm not that much of a liar, but here it goes any way. 

The movie was great because the theater I saw it in had uncomfortable seats so I was really able to stay focused on the movie for the entire two and a half hours and never got drowsy because it felt like the Spanish Inquisition had assembled the chairs. And you might think two and a half hours is a really long time to watch a story about giant alien robots that can transform into cars, but it really isn't because when the plot jumps around like an ADD kid tweaked out on Pixy Stix, all the little non-cohesive segments make the time fly right by. And you can tell that Michael Bay is really good at exploding things because pretty much everything in the movie explodes at some point including but not limited too Marines, toasters, a hot girl with a killer robotic tongue, a bedroom, Shanghai, and Shia LeBeouf. That last one was totally cool because he is an excellent actor and doesn't talk too fast or mumble, that was probably just the Dolby acting wonky, and everyone knows all the best actors get blown up. Like Bruce Willis and Mel Gibson have each been blown up a ton of times so look how lucky Shia is. Such esteemed company!

The other good thing about Transformers 2 is how I never ever felt like the director was being stuck up and trying to present concepts that were too tricky for me. Like, if I imagined how the plot would go and what the twists would be in advance, that was EXACTLY what I got. No surprises. None of that Hollywood trickery like in the Usual Suspects . If Micheal Bay directed that movie Kevin Spacey would have come out of the cell wearing a football jersey that had "Söze" written on the back, and then he would have held up his hand and there would be a little device with a thumb-button that when he pushed it blew Chazz Palmenteri to hell and back and everyone would have to dive with fire behind them and it would have been a much more exciting movie.

The best part about Transformers 2 is how none of the human relationships seem real, and at first I thought it was because of bad acting, but now I realize the Michael Bay just wanted us to be able to relate to the giant transforming space robots better by making all human interactions seem slightly wooden and robotic. That was nice of him. He doesn't want to breed a whole generation of robot racists. I'm glad he did that. Also, Megan Fox, who was probably totally picked for her awesome skills as an actress, was not allowed to showboat those talents and instead decided to play her role as a partially handicapped person. Refreshing how young Hollywood can be so fearless.

Comments

[NotAMeanGirl]

BWAHAHAHAHAHAH. This review... will be stuck in my head when I take my 9 year old to see the movie.... just so I have something I'll enjoy!

[Shannon]

Thanks for the belly laughs! Funniest thing I've read in a while!

[GhtoPrincess]

That? Made my entire day.

[AmandaG]

No Snark?? Agree with the review.

[Sweetney]

Awesome review. And dude, snark is REQUIRED!

[Kurt]

Thank you. For more laughs go see the movie and try and spot the plot holes.

[Kurt]

Maybe there was a little snark. It's hard to tell these days.

[Kurt]

Excellent. Thank you.

[Kurt]

Glad you liked. I'm not sure but there may have been trace contents of sarcasm in there. That's up for the FDA to decide though.

[Kurt]

Awesome. To make the article more like the movie maybe you could slam your hand in a car door. Or squeeze lemon in your eye. That would pretty much capture the experience.

[Didactic Pirate]

Great review. I thought about taking my daughter to see it, but I'm afraid that if I do, the movie will bury a seed deep down in her psyche that will wait to bloom until she's 16, which is when she'll start wearing crotch-sawing cut-offs and draping herself over random motorcycles when guys walk by.