Universal Pictures has announced that they have secured the rights to make a movie out of the video game Asteroids, and don't even look at me like that. No, I'm not kidding. You know...Asteroids. The little triangle flies around and shoots the white outline rocks until they break into smaller white outlines? No...No...it's going to be awesome. Because sometimes you can use "boost" and you get going really fast and shooting in circles and woo hoo! That was a great arcade game. In 1980*, the shit rocked. So of course they are making it into a movie. Because the raping of my childhood will never end. Ever.
The kicker is, Universal won the rights to make this film by outbidding three other studios. That's right...a four-way bidding war was going on over the rights to this thing. Allow me to break that down. There are, in existence, FOUR movie studios out there, willing to commit millions of dollars to producing a film that will attempt to capture the exhilaration of piloting a triangle through a field of craggy lines while shooting them into smaller pieces and sometimes going faster and using your shield three times and maybe the little UFO comes in for extra points.I think there are some geniuses in Hollywood, is my point because I never would have thought that something that straight-forward would be capable of support 90+ minutes of story and dialog. You really have to hand it to them. And by "it", I mean "someone's head".
Lorenzo Di Bonaventura, the producer of both
Transformer films and the upcoming GI Joe movie is the one who is taking this project on, so if there was ever a porch that needed a flaming bag of dog shit left on it...I'm just saying. I don't advocate criminal acts of mischief, but once you put the word "mischief" in there it sounds pretty innocent, no? Like all of the sudden you're Dennis the Menace instead of a 38 year old unemployed man lurking in the bushes outside a famous Hollywood producer's house, getting ready to TP his trees. I don't think "criminal mischief" is even a crime in most states. I think the cops just knuckle you on the chin and say "Oh Yooou!" But don't take my word for it, I didn't make it all the way through law school...I just streaked through the quad that one time.
And now I wonder what they'll take next? I think maybe I'll spend the rest of the day doing a treatment for MY new film. It's an action adventure starring Will Smith that's based on solving a Rubik's Cube. And at one point he'll almost have it but there will be a green square where a red one should be and he'll be all :"Oh Hell NO!" like he does, and the audience will LAUGH!
* I totally guessed that Asteroids came out in 1980 and the screenshot says "© MIdway 1979" so I think we can all agree that I have an amazing brain, and that if they ever shot a movie about my life it would be just like A Beautiful Mind with Russel Crowe and everything only instead of going to MIT and going crazy in a shed, I'd just sit around the house and eat Pop Tarts©
Holy man. I hope it's in 3-D. I hope it stars Will Smith and The Rock. And a bad guy played a British person. Those Brits make my blood boil.
UPDATE: I see you're already on board with the Will Smith references. Okay, carry on.
Posted by: Palinode | July 03, 2009 at 02:20 PM
Why am I envisioning "Tron" where everything is in outlines and stuff?
Loved the game, but a movie? Yeesh.
Posted by: helenel | July 03, 2009 at 03:34 PM
There already is a movie about Will Smith solving a Rubik's Cube. It's called The Pursuit of Happyness, asshole. So probably you should stop stealing other people's awesome ideas.
P.S. Someone just told me The Pursuit of Happyness was about a black man raising his son alone, overcoming obstetrical and becoming a successful businessman. What the crap? I totally missed the point of that movie.
P.P.S. Sorry for the a-hole remark. I know I could just go back and delete it, but I'm trying to pretend that everything I type can't be edited. Like I'm on a typewriter. Because I'm embracing the point of your post, which I think is that things from our past may have seemed awesome but they pretty much suck by today's standards. Or maybe not... apparently I am really bad a grasping the point of things.
Posted by: Rachel | July 06, 2009 at 01:45 PM