August Photoshoots & Cover Girls (Alternate Title: Airbrush Me Until I'm a Cartoon Please)

Now you don't have to buy the magazines.  You're welcome.

Let's start with Kate Winslet in the August issue of Harper's Bazaar.  There's something so authentic about her.  Even when she's smiling she looks like she's just about to nail you in the head with her boot.

And if I could get that shade of blonde, the world would be mine.  Mine I tell you!  Why can't Supercuts just listen to me for once?

The good, the bad, and the S&M-y after the jump.

Is it possible to have a crush on a trench coat?

Rachel Weisz in UK Harper's Bazaar

 

 

Perez Hilton in The Advocate (Oh, yes I did. Cover girls. That's right.)

 

(Circle courtesy of my photoshop)

Miley Cyrus in Exploited Children Elle

 

Wow.  And also, Um.  And then I should mention Huh? 

Is it just me or is this pose and the outfit 10 kinds of wrong?  Miley is only 16 years old with a tween fan base.  Not to mention parents.  How can they allow this? 

(It's entirely possible I'm overreacting considering I wasn't allowed to wear a tank top until I moved out and my mom made my clothes and some of them? Had matching vests.  And those vests kept me virginal until my wedding day.  Yep.  Moving right along.)

Salma Hayek in Yellow Magazine

 

It's hard to imagine she ever has that "not so fresh" feeling.

By the way, I saw these pictures in high-res and all I can say is I don't know what kind of deal 42-year-old Salma made with the devil, but she got a bargain.

Cameron Diaz in V Magazine

Is she about to unzip her head?  I bet gummi bears would fall out.

Lady Gaga in V Magazine (inside)

 

 

I sort of love that she actually has hips.  Holla!

Emma Hemming and her new groom Bruce Willis in W Magazine

I'm not going to lie to you.  These pictures are a leeeeetle frightening.  You should probably have your cat leave the room.

 

Katherine Heigl in Marie Claire

"Hi, I'm Katherine Heigl and I'm in Marie Claire and I'm not having sex with a gorilla.  Have a nice day!"

Comments

[Chris]

The Willis family pictures are frightening. Forget the cat I should have left the room.

[AmyC65]

When Bruce Willis was on Letterman, they showed Emma in the greenroom - brand newly married. And by my memory, she could not have been more plain. This shoot proves makeup is a powerful thing. Those photos are just weird for the sake of weirdness. Like the photographer was just bored.

WInslet and Salma are gorgeous.

[michele]

these are awesome. and who wouldn't want salma's body? who? i think i say this every single time she comes up on this blog. whatever.

[Sarah]

The Willis and Weitz photos were a disturbing (and I think Weitz is beautiful but that makeup is awful!). Winslet is gorgeous as always!

[Sarah]

Weisz sorry!

[Hamilton Doula]

Heigl's head has been blown up so that it's almost a third bigger than normal - very Barbiedollesque (I made that word up!).

Freaky! Why do people buy these ridiculous mags?

[emdub]

Someone tell Bobblehead Rachel Weisz you are supposed to have some boobies for that dress. The cups are like 3 inches from her chest.

[Jessi]

I'm worried for Bruce. I think we should stage an intervention.

[amalah]

Even when Cameron Diaz is not talking, even when I am just looking at a photo of Cameron Diaz not talking, the only thing I can think of is, "Shut UP, Cameron Diaz."

The Willis Family Portraits are just...GAH. Shut UP, eyeballs and brain. Please forget you ever saw those.

[BaltimoreGal]

I bet gummi bears WOULD fall out of Cameron's head.

And Bruce is totally sucking in his stomach in the third picture. Be warned- according to my best friends at Project Rungay: "And if the layout wasn't self-indulgent enough, bring the air-sickness bag for the accompanying article"

[Trish]

Im thinking he needs to be pimp slapped for being in those pictures.

[Sweetney]

Cameron Diaz: FRIGHTENING

Bruce & Emma: TERRIFYING

Salma Hayek: I R JUS JELUS

Kate Winslet: MAGICALLY DELISHUS

[Cheeky Lotus]

I feel the same way about Cameron. She wants us to all to believe SO BADLY that she's Badass.

[Karina in T.O]

Damn it! Some things you just can't unsee! Also? The last Willis-family-Christmas-Card shot??? Is she wearing a fucking muppet coat???? Did Snuffleupigus (sp?) get whacked and made into a jacket?

And as much as I love Cami D....cause she's got this whole I don't give a shit attitude, and I'll go surfing and dumping all the guys I want.....In far too many pics, she just looks like the Joker! Her face is just so... I don't know, angular? That this whole white face, dark lips make her look nuts. Put a blond wig on the Joker and you'd be hard pressed to tell them apart!

http://www.belchfire.net/screenshots/7685-1214311001-joker_final1280.jpg

[robyn]

It is a testament to how horrified I was by that Bruce Willis monkey sex shot that I was pleased and relieved to see Katherine Heigl's big ol' face.

Also, while I know Lady Gaga's songs (who couldn't?), I have no idea what she looks like. And after staring at three photos of her, I still don't.

[Accidental Housewife]

Totally on the Cameron Diaz. Despite everyone's seeming hate-on for Gwyneth Paltrow, Diaz pisses me off EVERY TIME. EVERY TIME!

[Monica]

You know, I'm more confused about who makes up Elle's primary readership than I am weirded out by that series of photos. I know Elle has a youngish base, but Miley Cyrus young?

As for that last shot, the outfit? Kinda fun and fabulous. The pose? Too much for a 16 year old. What I'm waiting for is her inevitable press release saying she's
embarrassed and that she was pressured into it and it's all the magazine's fault, yadda yadda, she's an angel, blah blay whatever.