Completely Superficial & Probably Erroneous First Impressions on the New Project Runway Designers

The designers of Project Runway's new season -- debuts August 20 on Lifetime, so you still have plenty of time to figure out what channel that even IS on your cable lineup -- have been revealed! Never mind that this season was shot, edited, debuted at Fashion Week, judged and in the bag for MONTHS now, it is officially time to start making some knee-jerk judgments on the cast based solely on the publicity stills from Lifetime.

(No, I'm not watching audition videos. Those suckers at BravoTV.com used to bring my computer down like a bucket of elephant tranquilizers, and from the looks of things, Lifetime's website isn't much better. Stop making things loud and shiny, TV networks! I'm old and can't find the mute button as fast as I used to, daggummit.)

Carol Hannah Whitfield, 24 and Ra'mon-Lawrence Coleman, 31

She will probably always be Mischa Hannah Barton in my head, assuming I can work up enough interest in her to begin with.  The cut of her dress is pretty, if a tad reminiscent a spacesuit, or the walls of a padded mental hospital cell. I don't think you usually want your boobs to scream CRAZY PERSON FROM THE FUTURE! But I shop at Old Navy, so I could be wrong about that.

Ra'mon is, of course, this season's token Pointless Apostrophe. He's still got nothin' on...

Qristyl Frazier, 42 and Logan Neitzel, 25

QRISTYL? QRLY? That's...wow. Is it one of those Pointless Misspellings, pronounced "Crystal?" Or is it more like "Qwistle?" Please, parents, stop doing this shit to your babies and pop culture bloggers of the future.

Regardless, I feel like I'm going to like Qristyl. I can't say the same about Logan, he of the Fucking Hipster Scarf & The Rebellious Belt Buckle, who is already throwing attitude about upcoming designing for "Real Woman" challenges.

Malvin Vien, 24 and Althea Harper, 25

I will bet you guys a million dollars that at some point this season, Malvin will complain about being compared to Christian Siriano. I will bet you another million dollars that the comparison only occurs in his own head, which he wraps in toilet paper every night like Miss Truvy. (I desperately hope to be right about that last part.)

Tim Gunn has said that while he knows everyone is going to assume Althea was only cast because she's "a tall blond beauty," she's actually "extremely talented." I'm guessing somebody on the show does not feel so generous about her, what with the failure to Photoshop out her pit stains in any of the promo shots.

Mitchell Hall, 26 and Ari Fish, 26

Well there, Mitchell. Don't try too hard to make yourself stand out, or anything. Seriously, there's ONE male designer wearing anything other than black and white. ONE. Tim Gunn and his pink ties are concerned.

I predict that Ari is going to be the designer who consistently goes over-budget for fabric at Mood. She's wearing...quite a lot of it.

Johnny Sakalis, 30 and Irina Shabayeva, 27

Tim Gunn predicts that people will either love or hate the "polarizing" Johnny. If we're going by facial hair, I think I know what my vote is already.

Irina definitely gets my vote for Worst Promo Still Outfit, though (or at least ties with Althea's Banana Leotard Dress Thing). There's something about the sheen on that skirt that screams either "I Belong On A Figure Skater" or "I Will Give You A Rash."

 

Christopher Straub, 30 and Louise Black, 32

Louise is a big fan of Christian Lacroix, according to Tim. She is so fucking Patsy she will CUT YOU, sweetie darling.

I'm sorry...is there someone else in this picture? I fell asleep for a minute there.

 

Gordana Gehlhausen, 45 and Epperson, 50

Okay, these two are clearly made of awesome, and are going to RULE this season, showing all the cocky young pups exactly how it's done, and then they'll tie for first place and use the prize money to buy a really awesome van and travel around the country solving fashion-related mysteries.

Nicolas Putvinski, 27 and Shirin Askari, 25

Nicolas is from Moscow and apparently has an attitude about American fashion. I have an attitude about his hair. In Capitalist America, shine serum wears YOU.

Shirin's hat and style remind me of last season's Kenley. Dear Jesus, PLEASE LET HER THROW A CAT* AT SOMEONE THIS SEASON PLEASE. 

*Humanely, of course. I would also accept throwing Heidi Klum.

Comments

[Yvonne]

That was hilarious. Please write the recap this season.

[amy]

I wish Tim Gunn would do his ProjRun podcast again. Those were awesome.

Carry on.

[lori]

i can't WAIT for this to start and if it doesn't show up on my regular cable in Canada I will cry real tears (or not, I don't know). I got completely addicted to the Canadian version this past season having never seen it before. I haven't seen the US show so I'm assuming it's awesome + 10.

(The CDN version had Iman as a host and Brian Bailey (I know... who?) as the mentor and plenty of bitchiness and crazy/awesome)

[Trish]

I'm sorry - did you say banana girl is 25 years old? That photo (pit stains and all) obviously ages her just a tad. I've only watched the show in dribs and drabs - I love Tim Gunn and miss his other show somehitng about his guide to dressing or something like that. Does anyone know if that show is ever coming back?

[kristin]

I'm super excited about this season, but I would probably be just as content watching reruns of Season 2 with Santino pretending to be Tim. "Andrae, where's Andrae?"

[amalah]

I think Banana Girl is a Brooke Hogan Kind Of 25. You know, the kind of 25 you get to look like after way too much tanning, peroxide and eyeliner.

I haven't heard anything about Tim Gunn's Guide to Style coming back for another season. Possibly another casualty in the Bravo/Lifetime ugliness?

[Shelley]

I. Can't. Wait! Are you considering writing a recap? That would make this awesomeness ever better! Is the move to Lifetime going to effect the show, you think?

[michele]

hilarious. i can't wait. i also like the subtle scooby doo reference.

[Jessi]

I am so unfashionable. I think all of these people could use a trip to the 360 mirror. Anyone else?

[Alias Mother]

Ooohhh, thanks for this. I will be so, so sad if the two "older" designers turn out to be disappointing. They do look mighty awesome. Doesn't Epperson look like the kind of person you want to just throw yourself at and be like, "Make me over! Do whatever!" because you know you'd end up totally hot.

Watch, he'll turn out to be the first one cut.

[Elisa]

Bah - so far, not impressed. Granted, I haven't heard them speaking a word yet, but most of them either bug me already (especially the Russian guy, who - I'm sorry - but couldn't look less like he belonged in the show if he tried) or really, seriously put me to sleep. zzzz

Moderately interesting: the fashion-mystery-solving duo.

[Kim S.]

Oh I loved loved loved that. We watched all the seasons last summer and my six-year-old would run around doing a hella good Santino impression. One of the many ways I've screwed her up I'm sure.

[BaltimoreGal]

But Top Chef is coming! With three Baltimore chefs (and two of them are hot brothers)! Forget the designers. I want my cooks!

[Snarky Amber]

My snarky two cents:

Nicolas looks like Prince Valiant. I'm sorry, but I got no fashion love for dudes that rock a page boy with bangs.

Althea is three years younger than me and looks like she could be my mom. She needs to stop tanning, stat. And maybe buy some clothes somewhere other than American Apparel.

[Mrs Chaos]

So jazzed about the new season...but this was freaking hilarious.

[Rhonda]

Malvin Vien: Holy Bananas. There is totally a sweaty arm pit within licking distance to my mouth. I think I just threw up a little. Please God help me. I just won’t move. Don’t breath. Don’t blink.

Althea Harper: I heart Bananas! Cause I’m bananas! And Silly! And blond! Skwee! I wonder why Malvin stopped breathing.

[Vickie]

I am looking forward to this!! I've been watching the Fashion Show (Bravo's replacement) and while the designers are talented, the show's production values suck. Big time!! And Isaac? Mizrahi is talented, but he is no Tim Gunn. He and Kelly Rowland add absolutely nothing to the show!!

[Susan (5 Minutes for Mom)]

I wish I had more time to watch this show... I find it addicting when I start. My husband even likes it!

[Cheeky Lotus]

Gordana Gehlhausen and Epperson look like they were cast in the UK version of The X Files.

Also, is Christopher Straub's shirt gathered at the neckline?

[Sweetney]

I'm already rooting for Louise, if only because of her hair, SWEETIE DAHLING.

[rockle]

Louise and Epperson look like Isabella Rosselini's and Bobby McFerrin's stunt doubles, respectively. That makes me love them. Even if I will never remember their names. (FAME!)

[Suzy Q]

Are you entirely sure Malvin is a "he"?

[Jahna]

Ra'mon, a pointless apostrophe? Ha. I know the man in person...he will probably be the most entertaining (and talented) person on the show.

[me.yahoo.com/a/WyDeZLAdrOZwH9YXO54IJXUB1tN8XbM-]

Very entertaining, thanks for the awesome rundown of the next season of contestants!

I'm working with Lifetime to help make sure our Project Runway fans out there know about our In or Out contest to win a trip to Fashion Week! Upload a picture that shows your fashion and get people to vote for you to be the winner - sign up or find more details at http://projectrunway-inorout.com. And if you don't want to enter, be sure to vote for which contestant you think deserve the free trip!

See you on the runway!