Completely Superficial & Probably Erroneous First Impressions on the New Top Chef Cheftestants

So last week, while I was all, wheeeeeee Project Runway designers! Who are they, and WTF are they wearing? (Answer: SO MUCH BLACK. SO MUCH LIFETIME TV MOVIE ABOUT DEPRESSED CHEERLEADER MURDERERS WITH EATING DISORDERS ANGST.) Bravo went and simultaneously announced the chefs who will competing for the little pile of money, the bigger pile of Gladware crap and of course, the title of Top Chef. Bravo's all, "Fuck Project Runway. Those people would rather die than design a pair of pants for your fat ass. Food p0rn ahoy!"

(By the way, is anybody watching Top Chef Masters? It sounded like such an awesome idea but I'm having the hardest time caring. Like, at all. And with that other host it's forcing me to admit that I actually like Padma a lot more than I thought I did.)

Anyway. Let's see who we've got.

Laurine, 38
Chef/owner of a catering company

I really wish the female cheftestants would LOSE THE BITCHFACE ALREADY. We get it. You're tough, you're no nonsense, you've got access to knives. Still doesn't mean you can't smile occasionally.

Preeti, 33
Executive Chef at Google (San Francisco)

Wait. What? Google has an executive chef? God, Mamapop is such a crappy website to work for.

 

Ron, 40
Executive Chef (No restaurant name given, but he lives in Florida)

I would just like to point out that Ron has more style than all of the male ProjRun designers put together.

 

Hector Santiago, 41
Chef/owner, Pura Vida (Atlanta)

If Hector catches you salting your food at the table without tasting it, he will take the soul of your firstborn. FACT.

 

Jesse, 30
Executive Chef, Abacrombie Fine Foods (Baltimore)

I misread her employer's name for a second and was even more confused than with the Google thing. I remain baffled by her choice of pose and hand placement, however.

 

Jennifer, 33
Chef de Cuisine, 10 Arts by Eric Ripert (Philadelphia)

Jennifer is from Philly. That's just the way our necks look, so shut up.

 

Robin, 43
"Chef, Artist & Teacher" (Seattle)

Oh. GOD.

 

Ash Fulk, 29
Sous Chef at Trestle on Tenth (NYC)

He will cook a meal and then shoot it out of a homemade volcano.

 

Michael, 30
Chef de Cuisine at The Dining Room, Langham Huntington Hotel & Spa (Los Angeles)

Oh, but I dislike him already.

 

Bryan, 33
Chef/Partner, VOLT Restaurant (Urbana, MD)

And this Michael's brother, oddly enough. The tattoo does not appear to run in the family.

 

Ashley, 32
Chef at Branzino (Seattle)

Okay...um. I gotta admit I'm having a bit of an "It's Pat!" moment here, though her bio/photo at BravoTV.com are a bit more helpful.

 

Kevin, 26
Executive Chef & Partner, Woodfire Grill (Atlanta)

You know what? Perhaps I should at least give Michael props for doing something other than the crossed-arms or hands-on-hips tough-guy look.

 

Mattin, 29
Owner, Iluna Basque (San Francisco)

HAAAAAAAAAAA HAA HAA HAAAAA.

Mattin is French.

 

Eve, 40
Chef-Owner, Eve (Ann Arbor)

Eve is the ONLY chef this season from the Midwest. Or really, ANYTHING other than East Coast (meaning NY, Philly or Baltimore/DC), West Coast (meaning only California or Seattle)...or Atlanta. Fuck you, Rest Of Culinary America!

 

Eli, 25
Executive Chef, Eno Restaurant and Wine Bar (Atlanta)

Have you ever thought about what would happen if the two lead singer guys from Barenaked Ladies got together and had a baby? No? Not even a little bit? Well. Never mind then, I'll just keep my theories to myself.

 

Michael, 34
Executive Chef, Zaytinya (Washington, DC)

Hey, I ate there once! Therefore, this guy should win.

 

Jennifer, 31
Executive Chef, El Camino Real (Philadelphia)

Her smile reminds me of Mindy from The Office. Her creepy neck tattoos (no, it's not a necklace) remind me of Jeffrey from ProjRun. I'm pretty sure the one on her chest says "SCARRED." She's adorable!

Season 6 starts on August 26th and I guess takes place in Las Vegas or something. Although the host city on Top Chef is generally pretty irrelevant, save for maybe one or two challenges, and they're usually putting the contestants on a plane to a completely different city after a couple weeks, and then the finale takes place in yet another different city. My predictions for Vegas include a buffet challenge and having to create a meal using only ingredients you can find in a casino: poker chips, cards, watery cocktails, cigarette butts and sequined pantsuits.

Comments

[bad penguin]

I was all excited for Top Chef Masters, and I did enjoy the first week, mostly because I was rooting for Hubert Keller. I once had a spectacular vegetarian meal at Fleur de Lys and even though I know he probably wasn't even there, I will always love him for it. So many restaurants think vegetarian and gourmet are mutually exclusive. But that aside, Kelly Choi has me longing for Padma, I miss Tom Colicchio and I haven't been all that into it.

As for Top Chef Las Vegas...I really like Zaytinya, but I am wondering if I am have to root for the guy from Volt since I live in Frederick.

[BaltimoreGal]

Jesse's just trying to show off the tats. Baltimore represent!
Also? Michael and Bryan both from the Baltimore area. We know we are awesome. Time for others to learn (She says, hoping there's not a big crash-and-burn like the last time).

And Kelly Choi totally freaks me out. She looks like she is straining to hold her head up the whole time she's on air.

[TwoBusy]

Gotta admit that I looked at Ashley and thought, "Wow -- that dude from Weezer is gonna be on Top Chef!"

[jodifur]

I had my b-day dinner at Volt this year. It was fabulous.

[tonya]

Sadly, I think Ashley is putting out a bit of an Oompa Loompa vibe.

[TasterSpoon]

I kind of expect all the crossed-arms folks to quickly pull their hands out of their armpits and smell them. Not what one wants in a chef.

[inkypop]

If Hector catches you salting your food at the table without tasting it, he will take the soul of your firstborn. FACT.

I just spit at my monitor from laughing so hard.

Also? My brother works down the street from Eve, and I've been wanting to eat there for a couple years now, and can't get anyone to go with. Cuz it's pricy, not cuz it sucks.

[anna]

Ooo, Google Chef! (I look forward to the day Google takes over the world; for some reason I am a fan of that sort of thing.)

As a Washingtonian, I will root for Ashley, but not Robin. Besides seeming cooler as a person, Ashley is from "Center Sandwich"- a town that sounds excitingly fictional and/or delicious.

[Sweetney]

Wait, you didn't know about our chef, Amy?

Uhh, umm, I mean, HA, kidding!

cough.

[Sweetney]

PS:
Answer: What is ELEVEN.
Question: On a scale of One to Ten, how much am I over sleeve tattoos?

[thetutugirl]

The Hector comment was particularly amusing b/c I love to eat at Pura Vida. Gotta stay away from that salt shaker.

[Kim Demuth]

I'm such a devoted fan of Top Chef I will rewatch episodes multiple times throughout, the season to get really pumped for the finale... and I still can't get into Top CHef Masters. I dunno, it's just... falling short, somehow? I'm just not glued to the TV like I usually would be. And I'm totally with you on the Padma thing - didn't know how much I liked her until Ms. Zero Personality showed up.

But I mean, I guess it'll get me through to August 19th... :)

[supertiff]

eve! her restaurant is just down the street from me! and is awesome!

(i love it when i get a reason to justify my reality television watching. like, when matt giraud was on american idol. he went to my high school--MANY years after me, of course--so obviously i HAD to watch)

[Laurie]

Love Top Chef. Blase about Top Chef Masters. Excited that Project Runway premieres on my birthday! Cupcakes, champagne and Tim Gunn!

[KBO]

If you had an oompa-loompa orange spray tan, why would you pose with your pale-ass fist juxtaposed right next to it so you look like a carrot? Just sayin'.

Ashley looks like Ben Folds, the Frenchie obviously hates freedom, and isn't there a rule that there can't be two tatted "offbeats" (to quote Big Brother) on one reality show?

[Bitchilla the Hun]

Kelly Choi is so....pointy. Her chin could cut you.

But am I the only one who likes TC Masters? It would be 1000% better with Padma and Tom, though.

[JennC]

I'm enjoying TCM, but agreed, would prefer Padma and Tom as opposed to Weird Hat Lady and that looks like a cross between Charles Nelson Reilly and Sheldon from the Big Bang Theory (And that is my second comment today mentioning him. I'm not obsessed, I swear.)

Can't wait for new Top Chef, but the douchebag level looks to be at maximum for this crew. With exception, of course, for the girls from Philadelphia. Pennsy represent!

[Suzy Q]

Where did they find Kelly Choi anyway? I've never heard of her and wish I still hadn't. Bitchilla's right. She's pointy...in all sorts of ways. But, I still don't like Padma.

That said, TCM is only kind meh. I liked the first one with the Girl Scout judges though; that was funny!

Bring on the new team for regular TC!! Can't wait to see Frenchie in action.

[Darcey]

Yeah, I am all about the Atlanta representation. Atlanta, for such a major city, generally gets crapped on and overlooked for its wide variety of fine dining, so it is great to see 3 of my favorite restaurants' chefs getting some love.