Orphans are Scary

Orphan, the new film by some director I'm too lazy too look up and starring the hot psychiatrist from The Dapahted opens on July 24th, and sure maybe that's a long way off, but you know what isn't a long way off? Death. It's around every corner. And if I die before I get a chance to inform you about this awesome movie it isn't me who loses. It's you. I know. I know. I'm like a saint.  I already applied for that job but it turns out you have to be dead first. And Catholic. And a Christian. And maybe not a felon...but St. Augustine was a madman so that's more of a guideline. So you see...if I die...it's pretty much a win/win on paper.

Orphan is about a terrifying child who doesn't have any parents and gets adopted because I know when I'm looking to adopt a child the first thing I say is, "Give me the creepiest motherfucker you got! Come on! Bring it!" and then I high five the blow-up doll wife I brought along and then I spike her into the ground, and while the adoption people sometimes frown on that behavior, other times they are cool and funny and are all, "Heh. That's cool, man." No wait...that's my drug dealer not the adoption people. If any adoption people are reading this, just know I am prone to fugue states and I totally "just say no." I have no idea where that drug dealer thing came from. 

Orphans are pretty much the second scariest of all children right behind albinos, but right in front of stage kids, so I think it's a universal truth that this is the scariest movie ever made, because the killer orphan's name is "Esther" and that sounds old and scary and sure maybe it is a Bible name, but so is Malachi and I think we all know how awesome that is for a kid's name if you've seen Children of the Corn. Naming your kid an Old Testament name pretty much instantly turns them evil, according to my research, so all you cute hipsters naming your kids "Job" and "Nehemiah" just better get ready to get killed in your sleep. 

I know saying bad things about orphans is not a way to win friends, and there will be some out there that are all, "Hey man! I was an orphan," and to them I say, "I'm sorry, you are evil then." And there are others who will try to use scientific evidence to point out that Little Orphan Annie was nice, but to them I would just start singing "Dumb Dog" and then I would run away. Because the best way to construct a well-thought counterpoint is sprinting to a safe distance and name-calling. It doesn't seem fair but it is spelled out pretty clearly in the Geneva Convention. Also in there is the part against using homicidal orphans as hitmen. I think that's a violation of basic human rights or something.

All the press materials for Orphan make it look like there is some big twist that they don't want to spoil for you and maybe that's true, but there is also a chance it is a clever deception to try and fool you into going to see a movie that is no good. I know. I didn't think Hollywood would ever do such a thing either, but I just saw Transformers 2, and let me just say that SOME people don't like the rest of humanity. Michael Bay...I'm looking in your direction.

Comments

[PineappleBabble]

Did you see "The Orphanage"?...directed by Guillermo del Toro (that dude that did Pan's Labyrinth and Hellboy II)...Yikes. That movie is so damned scary - DH flung his beer all over the wall when he jumped from the couch screaming like a girl...I only know this b/c I heard him do so from my hiding place under the bed in the other room.

[PineappleBabble]

Oh and here is the link http://www.newline.com/properties/orphanagethe.html

[Sils]

Everytime I see the trailor for this movie I think, "The Bad Seed? Again? Didn't we see this remade with the Culkin already?"

[DavidS]

C'mon, this guy seems legit. I mean, he directed House of Wax back in 2005. Instant classic, that one.

[Palinode]

While I'm not prejudiced against orphans, it is true that everyone who has ever hurt me in any way happened to be an orphan. Some of them claimed not to be orphans, but they looked all orphanish in the face. QED, orphan-style.

[rkmama]

This is the best thing I've read since Black Hockey Jesus' totally real interview with Megan Fox.

[Bastardette]

Hey, thanks for the plug for Bastardette, Kurt!

It's amusing watching everybody go ditzy over this movie. The do-gooders on the "pro-adoption" side shake and tremble that the film will "destroy adoption." (just like Who's Your Daddy and Anne of Green Gables destroyed it). The do-gooders on the "anti-adoption" side have declared Esther a hero. I made a joke early on that Esther was pissed because she wanted her original birth certificate, and apparently people took it seriously or came up with the idea on their own without reading me. After all it's not that difficult to be witty about adoption and orphans. Oh well.

Whatever, adoption is in such disrepair in the US that both sides need something to hold on to. Personally, I prefer to hold on to my sanity.

I can't wait for the movie to come out, since I've been told the reveal by fairly credible source. Boy, is everybody gonna look stupid. "Pro-adoption" do-gooders already know the ending (since they've threatened to spill the beans to keep people away from the theatres), so they're just pimping themselves for another 15 minutes of fame.