Ozzy Osbourne's Dog Has Been Murdered

In what appears to be the continuation of some kind of crazy curse on Ozzy Osbourne's dogs, Little Bit, Osbourne's treasured Pomeranian, was killed last Tuesday, July 7th.

Little Bit's death comes after another of Osbourne's dogs, Goldie, was bitten by a rattlesnake earlier in the year. Goldie narrowly escaped death and, apart from being extremely bummed out about Little Bit, is doing fine.

Little Bit, however, is not doing fine. Because, as I reported earlier, Little Bit is dead. As the Osbourne's watched the Michael Jackson memorial, poor Little Bit was attacked and eaten by a coyote in the backyard.

The Osbourne's live in Los Angeles. Am I alone in wondering what the fuck is up with all the wildlife attacks at Osbourne's Los Angeles residence?

The Osbourne's are not blaming Jackson. And they have no leads as to who might have put a curse on their dogs. I know what you're thinking. Some of Osbourne's friends are thinking the same thing.

It is well known that Osbourne chewed off a dove's head during a record company meeting after signing the deal for his first solo album. There's also the legendary incident where he bit the head off a bat while performing on stage in Iowa. What the hell is up with that? Can anyone explain the 80s? A lesser known story is that at the peak of his drug addiction, Osbourne flipped out and shot all 17 of his pet cats with a shotgun. As shown below, he also attempted to bite off Kermit The Frog's head.

The attempted murder of Kermit The Frog, however, was thwarted by Gonzo, Statler, and Waldorf. Gonzo reportedly held Osbourne down while Statler and Waldorf fucked him up good.

All this history of animal abuse led an Osbourne pal to quip, "Maybe the coyote was friends with the dove's family? So many people are linked in Hollywood." This is, of course, a stupid idea. Coyotes and doves aren't friends. And even if there was an uncharacteristic friendship between a coyote and a dove, why would the coyote wait almost 30 years to exact his revenge? Totally stupid. It's doubtful that Osbourne's "pal" is a detective. There's no word of Osbourne's response, but I bet this stupid comment pissed him off.

It is tempting, though, to begin formulating the theory that Osbourne's past transgressions against animals might be circling back around to assault his beloved pet dogs. Nonsense.

Listen. I'm no Eastern sage versed in the intricately complex mechanisms of karma. Incense makes me sneeze. But my sense of Justice is insulted by the notion of poor Little Bit paying the price for Ozzy's wacky drug addled hijinx. Can you imagine? I mean the little dog was torn to pieces and EATEN by a coyote. How is that fair? It's certainly not made fair by merely pointing out that Osbourne bit off some animal heads and shot up a bunch of cats. Let Ozzy be devoured by the coyote and then we'll talk. But if God's ways are so mysterious that Little Bit has to pay for Ozzy's antics, then I'm sorry: God has some explaining to do.

The edge of Nature is sharp like a knife. The death of Little Bit cannot be justified. But I'm sure that Little Bit would not have us wallow in bitterness due to his untimely death. Rather, let us rejoice in the inexplicable fact that we ourselves have thus far not been devoured by coyotes.

It's probably a curse, a vicious hex. It's the only reasonable explanation. And if I were a gambling man, I'd place my bets on Tipper Gore.

Rest In Peace, Little Bit Osbourne.

Comments

[michele]

hmm. shot all cats? cats run from noise so that surprises me. or did you make that up?

i have heard on "behind the music" or something that ozzy was supposed to have a fake rubber bat and bite its head off, but they gave him a real one. he didn't seem proud of it.

and urban coyotes are to be feared.

[BHJ]

I found the story about the cats on wikipedia so it is, of course, undoubtedly factual. Between you and me, though, I made up the part about Kermit.

[BaltimoreGal]

Sweet.

[michele]

well, that is very unsettling.

[michele]

about the cats of course.

[Palinode]

Little Bit wasn't murdered. That dog had been abusing prescription drugs since the early '90s.

[Spam]

Wait, you're happy that Little Bit was killed? Or is it that you just like this post?

[BaltimoreGal]

Oh Spam, you know I am sorry the dog is dead. I love all animals. But this is one sweet post.

[BaltimoreGal]

...not to mention those elective surgeries.

[Father Muskrat]

I know for a fact it was Tipper Gore. I'm not the first to say it, but it bears repeating: "Fuck Tipper Gore!"

[Betty]

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Betty

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