Watching "The Bachelorette" For The First Time

The lengths I go to for you, dear readers. I usually have very strong convictions about what I will and will not watch. As such, I have never seen one episode of the following television shows: Survivor, The Bachelor, The Apprentice, Big Brother, or The Bachelorette. Until last night. It's not that I have anything against reality TV. Au contraire, mon frere. It's not that I think these shows are trashy or beneath me, but rather that I like my reality TV without the pretense that the participants are anything but a bunch of asshats pursuing their 15 minutes, and that's why I watch VH1.

Anyhoo, because of the great MJ-ocalypse of 2009, pop culture stories are pretty thin on the ground unless you want retellings of people's close encounters of the King of Pop kind, which I think we can all agree there's been enough of this week. So I'm watching The Bachelorette tonight for the first time, a show my research indicates has been on the air since 2003, which boggles the mind. Below the fold I will share my thoughts with you on a timeline. Because I care. Shall we begin?

I have enlisted the aid of my dear friend and fellow contributing writer, Miss Banshee, because she watches the show and can help fill me in. Also, she's funny.

8:01 p.m. So apparently I missed a lot of drama last week. I’m glad I have Miss Banshee here to help me keep things straight.

Miss Banshee: Why are you referring to me in the third person. I'm right here.

Shh. It's for the viewers at home.

MB: Oh okay.

8:03 Kiptyn? What is this name? Why is no one addressing this.? Have we already covered that? KIPTYN. Golly.

MB: Yep. KIP. TYN. Like, that's what his mama calls him.

8:04  Wes seems like a player based on first impression. And he wears hipster cowboy shirts. Ugh. Do Not Want.

MB:  Aaaaah, give ol' Wes some time. You'll be throwing things at the TV.

8:16 Oo, Kiptyn just said marriage is way off in the future. Kiptyn, Kiptyn, Kiptyn. Honesty? On TV? Bad move!

MB: KIPTYN. It's on his driver's license.

8:20 Well, now I know why this show is two hours long. four minutes of show, followed by a commercial break. Pay those bills, ABC!

8:27 Oh god, what is this music they're playing with the escargot eating? Like escargot is extreme eating. Escargot was extreme eating maybe in 1990. When PRETTY WOMAN was in theaters.

MB: EAT THE SNAILS, YOU WEENIES!!!!

8:29 Wow. So I see the producers are encouraging them to sleep together for ratings. Keep it classy, Disney.

MB: They're BEGGING THEM to sleep together. HERE, HAVE KEY TO BOOM BOOM ROOM!

Aww, she turned it down. I bet the producers are SO mad she didn't put out for the Fantasy Room.

MB: I won't get into my rant about how the Bachelor boinks at least three chicks per season, but Jillian can't have any fun or she'd be a PROSTITUTION WHORE.

[aside. Miss Banshee actually says "Prostitution whore" about eleven times throughout the next hour and a half, and I have cut those parts out because it's mostly just her saying it and saying *flips over table* and me going, "MAHAHAHAHA!" Yeah, we make our own fun, okay?]

8:33 these before-commercial teasers are seriously gonna make me pee myself. Can you imagine if they did that on Rock of Love? Will Brittanni go down on Bret? Stay tuned!

MB "Who will do a shot out of Megyn's vagina?? After the break!"

8:38 Reid and Kiptyn (no, really, KIPTYN?) seem like "nice enough guys" so they're not gonna win, right? This is the second time she's said the guy felt like he was her "boyfriend". On second thought...is this the same date? I'm confused.

MB: They're as boring as an 8 am lecture class. Kiptyn and Reid are kinda interchangeable knobs, and then there's Ed The Head and WES THE SNAKE WHO I WANT TO SET ON FIRE WITH MY EYES.

8:43 I am falling asleep here. Let me make sure I follow: So she likes Kiptyn (whose name she never once makes fun of, are you kidding me?) because he's out of her league, and she likes Reid because he likes her more than she likes him. Do I have it?

MB: You've got it.

8:49 Dear god. Less than halfway through. I officially want there to be more tequila shots in this show, because I'm not gonna make it to 10 pm unless someone gets into a fight or gets laid. What is it you find entertaining about this show? I am currently finding Mr. Snarky Amber's  WoW game more entertaining. 

MB: Well, I see it as "Daisy of Love" for those who haven't been in the back of a police car. I feel more refined, and it teaches me that normal people are HELLA BORING WHERE ARE THE VAJAYJAY SHOTS? 

8:54 Seriously, is this a different date from the first one? These are like the same date! On Rock of Love, Bret would have been laid three times by now. Also, Reid, PLEASE cease butchering the Spanish language. 

MB: On Daisy of Love, the guys would all be in a fist fight. 

9:01 Ahh. Halfway over! Hmm...Ed is kinda cute in a, like, less-hirsute Adam Corolla sorta way .

MB: ED THE HEAD? Ed is not cute. VETO. 

Why do you call him Ed the Head? 

MB: his head troubles me. It's weird. He's weird. Everything is weird. 

OK. I'll trust you. He’s the best dresser so far, though.

MB:  He left the show because of his job, then last week? Boom! He’s back. And then Jillian needed new undies, and took him back. So we've learned that either Ed got fired, Ed got paid off by ABC, or Ed really wants to go to the prostitution whore lounge with Jillian.

Aww, look though, he's all choked up! He teared up talking about thinking about her the whole time he was gone! 

MB: YOU LOVE ED. AMBER PINK PUFFY HEARTS ED THE HEAD.

Yeah? SO WHAT IF I DO? I like big heads. Mr. Snarky Amber’s head is giant.  Anyway, I'm just saying he's the best one of the ones I've seen. That's not saying a lot. I'd certainly never date any of them because then I'd be a narcoleptic. 

9:11 She's totally gonna end up with Ed. Mark my words.  Because, see, America loves a redemption story. Oh, sure he “broke her heart,” when he left, but then he came back and eventually won back her love and trust!  And then they live happily ever after, until they finish their talk show circuit, at which point they will say they’re "taking things slowly," and eventually will 'break up" in time for the next season. 

MB: It's like you've seen television before! 

9:17 The suspense is finally working. I really want to see this fantasy suite now. Do you think they have a sex swing in there? 

9:18 Ahh. Boo. No sex swing. There's champagne.and...a bed. With 45 pillows. Ooo, kinky, ABC. By the way, these guys are so full of crap when they say they think it's a good idea not to sleep together, and we ALL know it. “Oh, yeah, this is actually totally way better. I like it when my balls are blue. Say, I might go to the bathroom for about 10 minutes. Don't come in, okay?”

9:25 Miss Banshee: ZOMG IT'S TIME FOR WES! [Miss Banshee is really excited about this. She hasn’t shut up about it all night.) 

Hah. yes. Heeeeere's Wes. He's talking about his music. 

MB: And here's Wes's shirt.

Seriously. Uh, Wes? Ryan Adams called and he wants his wardrobe back. 

MB: Did you know Wes has a band? He has a band. 

Why, no, I did not know Wes has a band! Thank you!

9:30 I love when dudes say they could bear their soul to you and then actually say nothing at all. It's like, "I feel like I could fall in love with you." That means nothing!

MB:  I feel like I could run a marathon. I can't, and I won't, but I feel like I could. 

I feel like I could eat a whole jar of pickles. I mean, I won't, I shouldn’t, and I don't want to, but I could. 

MB:  what's Wes doing?

Jillian's asking if he'd move to another city for her. He's obfuscating. And now he has spilled beer all over the blanket and said something about a bird that has no leg? Sorry, ¿qué? I have no idea what that meant. Is that a phrase they say in Austin, or was he talking about an actual legless bird somewhere off camera? 

MB:  Maybe you don't understand cause you don't have a band back in Austin.

True. Wait... Wes has a band? 

MB: Wes does, interestingly enough, have a band! 

9:37 Thank god for all this classical guitar or I'd forget we were in Spain right now. 

9:40 Ha! His manager told him to go on the show. The girls on Rock of Love would never be so candid. 

MB: This is the greatest date ever.

But he says of course he wouldn't still be there if he had a girlfriend, because he's already promoted his music, so mission accomplished? BWAH! 

MB: told you! 

This is astounding. 

MB: TOLD YEEEEEEEEW! 

This music is very dramatic and cowboyish. Is it Wes's band? 

9:42 This date has turned into an interrogation. … MAHAHA! He just said “my girlfriend. I mean my ex-girlfriend.” Whoops! Oopsy daisy! 

MB: Seriously, the only thing left is a flashing sign that says "ÜBERDOUCHE" above his head. 

9:43 Ha! And now here’s the Fantasy Suite key. YET AGAIN. Yeah, that's happening. 

9:44 Unbelievable. Wes: "Oh, I think we should, actually." Really, Wes? Because this date isn't actually 

going well for you. 

9:52 Wes said if it's him who goes home, he'll be going home to have lots of sex. Well, he's clearly prince charming. Team Wes! 

9:54 After holding the rose for like two minutes, the first one goes to Ed. Of course. Ed has the best tie, so I endorse this choice. I really have very little else to go on here, since the only person who appears to have a personality has a standard issue douchebag personality.

9:55 Wait, who's Reid again? 

MB: Exactly.

 

9:56  And Kiptyn "That's My Actual, Given Name" gets the last rose! Does Wes have some good parting words for us?

MB:  OH YEAH HE DOES .

Is it like, "I’m sad, but my band is playing  the House of Blues on July 8th, tickets available now at ticketmaster.com?" 

MB: it's better.

9:58 A ha, there it is! “First guy ever to make it to the top four with a girlfriend.” Nice! KLASS.

9:59 Wait, is he already drunk? He’s in the limo, his drink is full, but he's actually already drunk. I’m sure of it.

MB: Oh, totally. 

10:00 This week Spain, next week Hawaii? Yes, dream vacations are a really good way to find out if someone is marriage material. You know, I'd like if just one of these shows would subject people to actual tests of a relationship. Like, say, anniversary gift selection or grocery shopping. Or PAYING THE BILLS.

At this point I lost Miss Banshee, who held on as long as she could, three time zones away. And, frankly, I'm at a loss for what else to say in her absence.  So, uh, that’s The Bachelorette, huh? Five seasons of this? Really, America? 

I think I’ll stick to VH1. 

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Comments

[BaltimoreGal]

There may never be anything funnier than PROSTITUTION WHORE!

[lori]

I haven't watched these shows in a bunch of years but now it sounds like good mocking material... hmmm... decisions.

[Fairly Odd Mother]

The best was watching the Tweet stream to this episode; it was the only thing that made it bearable to watch b/c it is sooooo slow and boring. Wes was a skeezy idiot but at least he was entertaining.

[vicky]

I had just booted this out of my DVR -it was conflicting with True Blood or something playing on the local cable access channel which is more entertaining, but I might have to sign back on just to follow the sweet tweets! That sounds dirty, doesn't it?

[Canadian Tourism]

Wondering if Romance in Tofino is next on the agenda...

[Karina in T.O]

That's right because you'll find 'true love' on a TELEVISION SHOW!!!!!

Yeaaaaaah, no. You're more likely to find a cold sore and the clap is my thought.

Good on you for enduring and entire episode Amber, feel free to let this be your Everest, 'cause really props go to you for sticking it out for the full hour. :)