Hold On, I’m Getting To the Point of This Entry

Please sit down people, because this one is going to shock you.

Are you sitting down? Good, you should be sitting down, because – wait a sec. My feed reader just updated.

Never mind that other thing. Check out Jessica Biel, that champion of modern badonkadonk. She's classy. But she's not the point of this entry. Oh my God, guys, you’re not going to believe what I just found out.

First off, Melanie Griffith checked herself into rehab. She claims that this is a scheduled visit that's part of her commitment to staying healthy. And that, my friends, is the polar opposite of interesting. But that’s not the point of this entry. Wait, someone just posted the funniest tweet EVAH. Heh. Oh, it's fave time! Imma go retweet that sucker.

Hey, did you know that the crypt located directly above Marilyn Monroe’s body just sold on eBay for $4.6 million? That’s right, somebody paid over four million you-ess-dee for the privilege of having his or her corpse stuffed into a dark box directly over Monroe’s old bones. That will help pass the eternity of death nicely.

You know, that reminds me of William Kennedy’s Ironweed. The novel opens in a graveyard, and the first line goes something like this: “Riding up the winding road of Saint Agnes cemetery in the back of the rattling old truck, Francis Phelan became aware that the dead, even more than the living, settled down in neigborhoods”.

Is that not the most kick-ass opening line of any book anywhere? Yes it is. Please stop arguing with me.

So who belongs in Marilyn Monroe’s necropolitan suburb? Rich people, that’s who. People who are willing to spend the equivalent of what a Wal-Mart greeter would make over the course of twenty-five years, as long as the Wal-Mart greeter didn’t have any kids or pay rent or eat any food.

Sorry, I got distracted. I had something really big to tell you. Holy crap, there's a noise coming from the street that is possibly the worst and most distracting noise I've ever heard. It's this high whirring buzz. It's like a dentist's drill on an alien space ship.

Oh good, the noise stopped. Stupid Venusian dentists. I had something big to tell you, didn't I?

Nah, it’s gone now. I think it had something to do with a recent study on multitasking. It turns out that people who multitask are really bad at it. Researchers discovered, and I quote, “multitaskers are more easily distracted and less able to ignore irrelevant information than people who do less multitasking”.

I am totally - hold on a sec - I am totally shocked.