My Pants Are SO TOTALLY Into You Right Now

Aligned with our ongoing, tireless efforts to call to your attention aspects of our culture that might be viewed as suitable for inclusion in this site's archives under the category documenting Signs Of The Apocalypse, ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, I give you "Winkers^TM":

So much to say here. If only I could see through my tears of hysterical laughter well enough to type. WHOO-BOY.

I just want to note two things, and then I'll hand it over to you guys for the in-depth analysis -slash- mockery this deserves.

1. This is an item of clothing whose design and utility (okay, "design" and "utility") is wholly based on the mechanics of one's butt fat squishing against one's leg fat. Which is to say, this is MOTHERFUCKING GENIUS AT WORK, PEOPLE! (^TM! ^TM MOTHERFUCKERS!!!)

2. What the hell would you call that music? Would that fall under the banner of Smoooooth Jazz? Really low-budget porn music? What?

Alright. That's it. I'm turning this one over to y'all. HALP.

[Thanks (I think?) Darcey!]

Comments

[Sarah, Goon Squad Sarah]

1) That commercial could be 1/4 as long and still get the same point across.

2) Tell that ass to stop hitting on me.

3) The jungle one is creepy as hell.

[Palinode]

I want to see the following models of Winkers:

1) two cupped palms lovingly cradling each buttock, and squeezing, squeezing, squeezing.

2) squeezing, squeezing, squeezing.

3) squeeze! squeeze! squeeze! squeeze!

That last one is the person running.

[Loralee]

Dear god. DEAR GOD.

Like my ass doesn't have enough damn problems without something like THAT?

I think that I want to be compesated by those dorks for the retina damage I have going on now.

[Papa Bradstein]

I really do not want to have the word "action" with a movie clapboard flashing on my ass. Or a duck biting my ass. And c'mon, that jungle (tiger?) one is really just a "squinter."

There needs to be some sort of notification that if baby don't have enough back, you don't get the full wink, just a squint.

[Palinode]

O Owl thou art sick!
The rapacious ass
That sashays through the park
Down the rainy path

Has found out thy nest
Of twigs and beaks
And stuck your poor face
To its sweaty cheeks.

[Snarky Amber]

Now you don't have to ask if people are looking at your ass. YOUR ASS ALREADY KNOWS.

[Palinode]

Tyger tyger winking bright
In the asscheeks of the night
What protuding bulbs of fat
Could pinch the eyeballs of a cat?

[Snarky Amber]

I wish Palinodes came in travel sizes so I could keep you in my pocket all day.

[Palinode]

This is probably the best argument I've yet heard in favour of me writing a book.

[iambellaluna]

Omfg. I'd like to know the sort of person who would buy these & sport them because DEM PANTS MAKE MAH ASS LOOK DAMN HAWT...I need to see them in real life for the full effect.

Really, what would you do at the grocery store when the ladies ass in front of you is winking at you?!

[Sweetney]

rapacious ass!!!!!!

[Darcey]

Yes, Sweetney - it was me that sent it to you! :)

And y'all, I sat there, watching this, and halfway through I realized I'd spent minutes of my life willingly looking at someone's butt crack.

TERRIFYING.

[Darcey]

Yeah, I just realized that wasn't an "I think?" in not remembering who sent it, but an "OMFG, I'm not sure if we should thank you for the hideousness we're looking at!"

Yeah, I'm ready for wine.

[Sweetney]

Credit where credit is due, you have done a great and noble service. Or something :)

Altogether now: THANKS, DARCEY!

[Daffodil Campbell]

I just....I can't......I'm not sure.....holy FUCK is that serious ? It's just that it JUST CAN'T BE, right ? I mean, can you imagine what the trademark application must have said ? How do you DESCRIBE that, really ? That butt-fold symphony, the perfect storm of denim and flesh, with art - ART, PEOPLE. This is ART.

[JennC]

Oh for the love of all that's holy.

On the list of things that women larger than a size four SHOULD NOT WEAR, pants with eyes on the ass are number one.

Talk about Bad Idea Jeans.

[Dana Whitaker]

I think they had no choice but to use the low budget porn music, since the video is 3:38 of zooming ass shots. And I just know that there will be women who are thrilled with the idea of "art" on their thasses.

[rebecca]

why is it so loooooong???
i am crying with laughter over these comments, people...BAWLING with laughter...

[Sweetney]

"butt-fold symphony" - crying, crying with the laughing.

[Sweetney]

OH MY GOD THERE'S A WEBSITE: http://www.winkersdesign.com/

[mouthy_broad (michele)]

this is fantastic.

also, is it the same butt "modeling" all the pants? i think it is. oh to be that person.

[DianaCLT]

Pure awesome.

[DianaCLT]

And to think that I've actually had GOOD ideas that I never followed through with. The creator of this...ummm...AssArt... must have cajones they size of WATERMELONS, people!!!!...to go through with such a horribly ass-and-retina-offending idea!

[sweatpantsmom]

I'm going to have a custom pair made up, with Sarah Palin's face recreating that infamous wink from the VP debates.

Also, then I can finally say with 100% accuracy, 'Sarah Palin's an asshole.'

[helenel]

I loved the owl. The swoop of the eye ridge gently accentuating the curve of the hiney, looking like an ass "hammock", if you will.