Oh My God, What Have They Done To Shakira?
Okay, first things first. The song this video I'm about to share with you is for, "She Wolf"? UNBEARABLE. Listening to it makes me feel like a cartoonishy cliched Old Person, one who might tell those damn kids to turn off that racket, because that's not music that's NOISE, dangnabbit! And while you're at it, all of you, get off my lawn! (Somehow my version of Old Person here is tinged with a hint of Gold Rush-Era Prospector flavor, I don't know why either).
ANYHOO. The video. Right.
I've never been a fan of Shakira, but this? Lawd. Shield your children's eyes and hold onto your lunch.
Let's just keep in mind that beyond the veracity of her hips, what this woman is known for is her DANCING.
THEN WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT ALL ABOUT?
Is she on drugs? Who approved this? I DEMAND TO SEE THE CHOREOGRAPHER. AND TO THEN EXPRESS MY DISPLEASURE BY PUNCHING HIM OR HER SQUARELY IN THE FACE.
Shakira, your 15 minutes called, and your time is UP.
[thanks, Angela!]
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Is she a combination stripper/aerobics instructor having an epileptic seizure?
In all fairness, I watched with the volume off. I never thought she sounded good.
Posted by: BaltimoreGal | August 18, 2009 at 04:16 PM
Hmm. Well, she's flexible, I'll give her that. And has great taste in clothing. Heh.
That song makes me want to stab my ears out. And I think you're making a BIG assumption that there was any choreographer involved in that video. Bleah.
Posted by: Bill Gookin | August 18, 2009 at 04:17 PM
She looks like this really dorky stripper I saw once. She wanted to be seductive.
It was awkward.
Posted by: B. | August 18, 2009 at 04:17 PM
Suddenly I'm about 1000% less embarrassed about my dancing at the Sparklecorn. What the hell was that crazy shoulder move?
Posted by: Erin | August 18, 2009 at 04:20 PM
Looks like a contortionist auditioning for America's Got Talent. Is someone having a midlife crisis?
Posted by: JellyBean | August 18, 2009 at 04:21 PM
Wow. That makes me very sad. I was never really a fan but the music she did for "Love In the Time of Cholera" was divine. "Despedida", in particular, was awesome.
I need to re-read the TB recap to cleanse the palate.
Posted by: Jennifer | August 18, 2009 at 04:23 PM
i think you said it best with "what was that all about?" b/c...there are no words.
and i like shakira.
Posted by: mouthy_broad (michele) | August 18, 2009 at 04:36 PM
Wow...
I agree that her movements are so oddly mechanical that she seems like she's having a seizure.
And her singing is so heavily, digitally augmented that you have to wonder if she's lost her voice.
Posted by: Rob O. | August 18, 2009 at 04:48 PM
hahahah I couldnt agree more!!! I heard this song on the radio a few weeks ago and wondered to myself, will this be one of those times where a song I find embarassingly bad becomes a huge hit?/ I dont think so... plus is she dancing in a birth canal?? (albeit a sparkly one?)
Posted by: kelly | August 18, 2009 at 04:53 PM
46 seconds in aaaaaaaand I'm out.
(And I want those 46 seconds back, oh my hell what the fuck bar bee que.)
Posted by: amalah | August 18, 2009 at 05:09 PM
Yes, the first (only)time I saw this, I thought it was Lady Gaga. I finally realized it was Shakira, and felt very very sad. Your hips might not lie, but your music director, choreographer, and stylist did.
Posted by: Kelly | August 18, 2009 at 05:10 PM
I have frequently done the Robot in someone's large intestine. Haven't you?
On the serious, I think she's trying to win back whatever she thinks Lady Gaga stole from her.
Posted by: Erin | August 18, 2009 at 05:26 PM
I feel so violated. And there is no way I'm wearing my nude-colored unitard when I go out dancing this weekend. Thanks for ruining that for me, Shakira!
Posted by: parmamel | August 18, 2009 at 05:29 PM
Is she okay?
Posted by: Whit | August 18, 2009 at 05:34 PM
What's with the shoulders?
Posted by: Natalia Keenan | August 18, 2009 at 05:36 PM
She's much less annoying in spanish. And like Rob O. said, is she having a seizure? WTF?
Posted by: JennC | August 18, 2009 at 05:57 PM
Ok, so did she really add a "gag me with a spoon" 80s teen move in there? um. NO!
Posted by: Liz | August 18, 2009 at 06:18 PM
So as I understand through the clever symbolism, she is birthed, through a glittery pink vagina cave, has a seizure, and then becomes a low rent stripper?
hmmm.
Posted by: Miss Lis | August 18, 2009 at 06:22 PM
I think your "birth canal" comment is the funniest thing I've heard all day. Thank you!
Posted by: Nicky | August 18, 2009 at 06:52 PM
Holy shit. I think this was Heidi "...you're a nerd. And I would NEVER want to be that." Montag.
Seriously, I THOUGHT IT WAS HER.
Worst part for me: Shakira actually looks like she's enjoying it.
Posted by: Accidental Housewife | August 18, 2009 at 08:00 PM
Sadly, Canadians are not worthy of seeing Shakira's convulsing stripper show.
Posted by: SciFi Dad | August 18, 2009 at 08:06 PM
Uh, yikes. I could KINDA tell what they were maybepossibly TRYING to do with those moves...but...FAIL. Seriously.
Posted by: Liana | August 18, 2009 at 08:15 PM
I think this video should obtain some sort of Rocky Horror Picture Show type cult status! Every part of it is jammed packed with all kinds of hysterical.
I mean, I kind of lost my shit when she howls in the vocals.
Posted by: anne nahm | August 18, 2009 at 08:44 PM
Did they dub in the voice of the ladygal from The Cranberries? I kept on waiting for, "Zombay Zombay Zombay." But I guess I'm mixing my monster movies.
Posted by: jamiegp | August 18, 2009 at 08:45 PM
Oh that's too bad. I'm sure if you did a search you could find it. If you wanted. Or, umm, NOT.
Posted by: Sweetney | August 18, 2009 at 08:50 PM