Friday Eye Candy: WhiteTrashMom Edition

On Wednesday we heard the Pop Culture Confessions of Michelle Lamar, WhiteTrashMom and Editorial Director of MyGloss. Her sins did not disappoint and for this edition of Friday Eye Candy she knocked it out of the park. Let's just say that she turned Friday Eye Candy on it's ear this week.

From here on in it's all in Michelle words:

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It's hard to be a modern mom. As card carrying slacker mom, I try to find reasons to find the glass half full, as far as evaluating my performance as a mother!

Sure, my 11 year old has seen every episode of The OC. My teen and tween recited the entire "dinner" scene from Will Ferrell's Talladega Nights; The Ballad of Ricky Bobby at a family dinner. The Ricky Bobby incident,  a little nerve wracking, as I watched my elderly aunt's face freeze in horror at the impromptu family performance. http://www.sonypictures.com/homevideo/talladeganights/

But I am a good mother!  So are you!  All of look like great moms when compared to some of these women on my Eye Candy List!  Dig, if you will, mothers that will make you feel like mother of the year.

 1. You are a better mom than Candy Spelling because you're not a mean half-dead looking robot.

Candy Spelling is a robot or she's one of the undead. I don't have scientific proof of this but LOOK at the woman!  Does she look like she's alive, breathing oxygen?

The make-up Candy wears makes her look like Jo-Jo the sad faced clown! But I think seeing Candy without her paint on would be far worse, don't you?

Candy (who is named CANDY, hence my first problem with her) is not only undead or a robot. She's mean as hell. What kind of mom writes a mean letter to her daughter on gossip site TMZ?

I may have taken my kids to a liquor store or two, but I know I can sleep well tonight knowing I'm a better mom than Candy!

 2. You are a better mom than Lucille Bluth because she ingests way more pharmaceuticals.

Lucille Bluth on Arrested Development.  Jessica Walter's character takes more mind-altering substances than any other mom on TV! Lucille always had a drink in her hand and the woman could have opened a pharmacy out of her bathroom.  While some of these qualities are admirable, I think you'll agree that you are a good mom when compared to Lucille, because you don't have nearly that many pharmaceuticals in your system.  Or at least you don't do it when anyone is watching.

 3. You're a better mom than CARRIE's mom because your daughter hasn't blown up the school yet.

You're a great mom if you compare yourself to Margaret White, the mom from the movie Carrie. I say this for two reasons:

    * Piper Laurie, who played the religious fanatic mom, always wore  a black cape. Even in the summer! Most of us are a little more fashion forward than Piper.

    * You don't tell your daughters their breasts are "dirty pillows".

Think of the therapy the kid from Carrie would need if she hadn't exploded the school and killed everyone!  Lots more than your kids will need, for sure! We look like mom of the year compared to this mama.

4. and 5.  You're a Better Mom than Gladys Leeman and Annette Atkins because you're not a pageant mom.

Kirstie Alley as Gladys Leeman, and Ellen Barkin as Annette Atkins from the movie Drop Dead Gorgeous make all of us slacker moms look like June Cleaver.

If you haven't seen Drop Dead Gorgeous, go immediately to the video store and rent it!  It's funny in a sick, twisted way---if you are reading mamapop, you'll know what I mean.  This faux documentary is about a beauty pageant.  Alley is the pushy stage mom of the rich girl contestant, Ellen Barkin is the trailer trash mom of the girl from the wrong side of the tracks.

Gladys Leeman about her husband
"Arrest him officer! His furniture is as fake as my orgasms."

Annette Adkin's advice to her daughter about a camera man in her bedroom:
Annette Atkins: Who’s this?
Amber Atkins: Oh, they’re here to see my room and film me for their movie.
Annette Atkins: If they ask you to take your top off, get the money first.

Why Ellen Barkin's character is a bad mom in the movie - Because she loses an arm after trying to save her beer when her trailer is blown up.  If you haven't seen the movie, it's hard to describe how funny it is.  You possibly smiled as you read about Annette's hand being fused to a beer can. If you're gonna save the booze, save the whole case of beer, THINK BIG! You know?

So are you a good mom or what? Share or scare gentle (or not so gentle) readers.

Comments

[Erin]

I'd like to say a thank you to sweet baby Jesus for this post.

[Melissa]

Many, many years ago my husband and I saw Drop Dead Gorgeous in the theater. Two of our good friends went with us. My husband and I laughed so hard snot was flying out our noses. Our friends stared at us in horror. I think they even left the movie early. Some people just don't understand good humor.

[TheCluelessCrafter]

Shared this post with my mother and we just had a gut busting laugh from it. Thanks for this dose of Friday fun.

[Michelle -WhiteTrashMom]

I am so glad y'all liked it and I hope you feel like you are a better mom than Candy Spelling or the psycho woman from Carrie!

[rachel-asouthernfairytale]

Bee--yond fabulous.
YES.

Candy Spelling scares the crap out of me.
I think if you scraped her face.. it would be like scraping a house's cabinets.. layer after layer after layer of cosmetics/paint ;-)
MWAH

[Suzy Q]

"Drop Dead Gorgeous" should be required viewing for everyone. Great cast, great (and totally non-PC) writing, hilariously funny. Amy Adams saying, "You can't compete naked. I asked." Does it get better than that?

[Allison]

Oh, bless you Michelle. You are a far better mom than all the celebrity moms. Combined too, methinks. Although Lucille Bluth? I kind of wish she were an aunt or something.