"Internet Addict" Is Latest Diagnosis For Loser

FREEZE! DROP THE MOUSE! STEP AWAY FROM THE RED X!

Because you're busted. You're on the internet. Caught red-handed. Stop lying. It makes you look stupid. This post is on the internet. Cyber entrapment? Maybe. But you're here nonetheless. Back in the webs, little fly.

Do you see the picture above? The internet emits addictive rays that addict you in addiction. And yet here you are, thinking it'll never happen to you.

After the jump, print this out and get off the internet, you weak-willed slave who lacks moral fiber.

I don't get it. What are you hiding from? I know you have all these problems and feelings of depression. But those are way better than the internet. I'm not sure why exactly. I suppose it's healthier to have problems and feelings of depression. The internet is just a bunch of information, games, consumer opportunities, and porn. Are you seriously willing to trade all your problems and feelings of depression for THAT?  

Well that's clearly a bigger problem than the problems you're not having while you're on the internet, somehow, I think, maybe. You should totally be filled with self-loathing but you probably avoid that on the internet too. You're in a bad way. But lucky for you, there's hope.

The first treatment center for internet addiction in the United States recently opened its doors. It's called reSTART (get it?) - oh, see those blue letters? reSTART has it's own WEB PAGE on the INTERNET; it has its own social network where sufferers from internet addiction can gather and support one another ON THE INTERNET; you can follow reSTART on Twitter and be its friend on Facebook ON THE INTERNET; you can also find it on LinkedIn or check out its YouTube channel or read its blog ON THE INTERNET.

You know how I figured all this out?

Uh-huh.

I also figured out that your 45 day path to recovery will cost you $14,500.

$14,500. I am staring at you blankly. Besides, what the hell? Why are you still on the internet?

So what's all that money get you? A counselor to work through your feelings with, a life coach to talk about fitness and jobs and junk like that, and the same old tired 12 Steps with "Alcohol" crossed out and "Internet" scribbled in. There's plenty of time on the schedule for both Mindfulness and Reflection, which of course means DO NOTHING! And then you do a bunch of chores. Apparently, the tight budget won't allow for a cook or a maid.

Somewhere along the line in the history of addiction treatment, some genius decided that doing chores was an essential aspect of the recovery process. Following a description of an internet addiction client making hamburgers, this is a direct quote from an AP article about reSTART: "Cooking meals is among the activities that help patients recover." Really, now?

So I spend my whole life reading blogs and goofing off on Twitter. What do I do? Make a hamburger.

You make a hamburger, sweep the floor, take out the trash, get some structure, right? If you spend all your time on the internet and you never get anything done, well, you need to replace the internet... with other things. And that'll be $14,500. Well, I can promise you this with utter and complete certainty. If I spend $14,500 on 45 days, I ain't sweeping shit.

You know what else they got? Puppies, cats, doves, chickens, and goats.This is another prevalent treatment myth that makes no sense to me. I'm wacking off to internet porn all day. I can't stop. So now what? Make friends with some animals. So I form some kind of intimate bond with a goat and the power of our relationship frees me from the shackles of the internet. Do I have this right? I learn to nurture the chickens and that implicitly reveals to me how to nurture myself and then who needs Facebook?

But none of this - the fact that the internet addiction treatment center uses the internet to thrive, the exorbitant cost, the menial chores, the stupid animals - none of that even approaches the real substance of the fundamental problem at the root of all this, that being:

The whole concept of "internet addiction" (among other "addictions") is merely an invention used to fill the pockets of "helping" professionals who just can't cut it as real shrinks. 

You want an addiction? Booze or dope. Those are addictions. Physiological dependence. Tolerance. Progressive. Physical withdrawal. But if you flunk out of college because all you do is play World of Warcraft, I'm sorry, you don't get your own disease. You're just a dickwad who flunked out of college because all you did was play World of Warcraft. You can make hamburgers and befriend a bunch of goats all day. But until you create an avatar that goes to fucking class, you're screwed.

"Internet Addict" is just a fancy new diagnosis for loser. And when I say "loser", I mean interesting person. And by "interesting person", I mean someone who isn't exactly like everyone else. They don't care about what everyone else cares about. Yes, they've lost jobs and harmed close relationships as a result of their internet use. Why? Because they don't care about jobs and close relationships as much as they care about playing role-playing games with other losers. There's nothing wrong with that.

I'm dead serious. There's nothing wrong with that! Until some mediocre group of therapists decide the behavior is deviant, create a label for it, and charge $14,500 to cure it via mopping floors and petting puppies. Now, you've got a business. And a bunch of interesting people, $14,500 poorer, killing themselves to act and feel like everyone else, usually failing, and then maybe literally killing themselves.

When will we stop creating diagnoses and cures for deviance and start mining that "deviance" for alternative ways to be? We might learn some things about ourselves. And maybe make some changes that matter instead of just talking about it.

Let the losers keep their internet! What might it mean to give up the real world for a fantasy?

SOURCE

Comments

[Sweetney]

I am totally comfortable with my internet fixation. I love how people like to give other people shit about the internet when they spend most of their free waking hours in front of the TV.

Also, that's some quality advertising. I'm totally willing to acknowledge when The Man has my number.

[ozma]

The problem for me with the internet is sometimes I don't want to play role playing games with other losers or do this pointless blabbity bla bla and then I do it anyway.

It is liberating to get away from the goddamn internet and not easy. I even had a dream once that arms came out--weird, terrifyingly strong, black rubbery arms and grabbed me.

Wow, it just feels good to share that!

But basically, like booze--which I also may have a problem with--what the hell else are ya going to do? I read books and feel more socially acceptable but for me, it's just as addicting. I'd prefer to give up all my crutches and I will, as soon as reality improves.