Top Chef Vegas Episode 5 Recap: The One With the Camping

As I was watching the opening credits this week I thought to myself (and I would have said it out loud by my husband fell asleep on the couch and I didn't want to just be talking to my self like a crazy person*):

Self, how could Robin and Ron still be cooking on this show and Hector is already gone?

And lo and behold, less than a minute later Michael V. starts saying the exact same thing.

It is funny how when I think it is seems like commentary and when Voltaggio says it it sounds like he is trash talking his cast mates.

Mikey V. went on to say how he thought that the three best chefs on the show were Mike "the douche" Isabella, himself**, and his brother**. While I agree that those guys are all good (especially Bryan) I think that he is either an idiot or delusional to not include Kevin and Jennifer on that list.

Quick aside: Does Ashely bathe more often than regular people or does she have the "wet look" on purpose? It always looks like she just got out of the shower.

On to the quickfire:

Beware: Spoilers abound after the break

Apparently Top Chef asked the fans (God only knows where I was when this happens. I only watch each episode three or four times to write my recaps) to vote on the main ingredient for the quickfire.  Padma says that out of rattlesnake, cactus and kangaroo 57% of the respondents voted for cactus.

I have two thoughts about that. 1) Thank the Gods that they didn't pick rattlesnake. I would have nightmares for a week, and 2) since when did they have kangaroos in the south western United States? Did I black out and wake up during Top Chef Australia?

Whatever. They cooked cactus for a high stakes quickfire. Everybody's nemesis Mike I. won.

I don't want to talk about it.

Let's talk about the elimination challenge.

The contestants have to go to a ranch and cook for 24 cowboys. They can cook whatever they choose as long as it is high end. The chefs are not told what kind of equipment they will have, but these people aren't stupid - they got the first five seasons of Top Chef on Netflix. They know what to expect and they all planned accordingly.

What they did not plan for is the fact that the producers made them camp out and they had to sleep in teepees.

Heh. Suckers.

Oh yeah, and during the day it was 14 million degrees.***

Eli doesn't believe in camping and Ron creates a voodoo pit to keep the snakes away. Ash used to be an animal psychologist. Kevin grew up with a regulation horseshoe pit in his back yard. Ron asks everyone for a sword.

This season keeps getting weirder and weirder.

Oh, did you want to talk about the food?

Mike made a gyro. Which he mispronounced. He has no problem pronouncing Tzatziki, but he said gyro wrong. He should take some of the $15,000 he won in the quickfire and spend it at the food court in the mall which is where I learned the correct pronunciation of gyro (ˈjī-ˌrō) when I was in 6th grade.

Eli made a tuna sandwich, Laurine made something with Arctic char and tomatillo salsa and a baked potato, Ash made a chicken paillard with a sufferin' succotash, Robin made a grilled romaine and prawn salad, Bryan made a pork loin, Jennifer made snapper, Ashley did a twist on a club sandwich, Kevin cooked a duck breast and Mike V. made dashi with black cod (he said it was like a Japanese fish fry, I believe him).

Mattin and Ron both made ceviche.

Tom had to spit out Mattin's cod (that is not a euphemism). It was raw. Either he or Robin cooked spoiled seafood.

On to the judges table:

Laurine, Ashley and the Votaggio brothers all ended up in the top grouping. Bryan won his third elimination challenge with his roasted pork loin with corn polenta, dandelion greens, and glazed rutabaga.

Robin, Ron and Mattin were sent in as the bottom three. Robin cooked bad shrimp. She didn't taste them and they were bad. Ron's ceviche was good, but as a bonus he made a drink that was illin', and poor little Mattin had raw and cooked cod all mixed up together.

When Colicchio spits out your food it is a bad omen.

Adieu, mon ami. I, for one will miss my friend with the red kerchief.

No really, now I have to come up with a new running joke.

* again
** of course

*** According to Eli it is the same temperature as the surface of Venus. I guess he is some sort of astronomer in his free time. When Ashley did the calculations she said it was only eight million degrees. If this were the price is right neither of those guys would be playing Plinko.

[most photos via bravotv.com]

Comments

[She Likes Purple]

I was way over ceviche before people started making it in the Nevada desert. I don't know how that seemed like a good idea to not one, but TWO people.

[ParentopiaDevra]

"Tom had to spit out Mattin's cod (that is not a euphemism)"

That was really funny. Seriously! Good thing I wasn't eating cod at my computer, I would have spewed it.(Literally, I would have pieces of cod all over my keyboard.)

[Alison]

I honest to goodness had a dream about ceviche last night. The only explanation I can fathom for this is that - possibly - every single week someone has prepared ceviche. We get it. It's good. But honestly, even a trained monkey could prepare ceviche. Or me! It just mystifies me that of allll the food in allll the world, that's the dish people think to make. Poorly. What's next? Seared Scallop Ceviche with Saffron Foam. Pfft!

Also, has anyone else noticed how Serious Bryan is? Like Don Draper Serious. But last night he actually laughed. Because he kicked his brother's butt. That's awesome.

[Sarah, Goon Squad Sarah]

Right?

I also hate the idea of eating seafood if I'm too far away from water. It
freaks me out.

[Sarah, Goon Squad Sarah]

Bryan is the cute one.

And really, I am over ceviche. You don't even cook it! To quote Tom
Colicchio "This is a cooking competition! He didn't cook anything!"

[Alison]

I stand by my initial reaction to his brother. His coloring is that of an OompaLoompa. It's bizarre. Bryan is way cuter.

[Sarah, Goon Squad Sarah]

Ah!

Too many carrots? Tanning bed?

[Alison]

I have a theory. It involves Michael V. and the chicks from that awful E! show about a tanning salon and the words "Want to see my Michelin star?"

[Sarah, Goon Squad Sarah]

That made me feel dirty.

[Alison]

You're welcome.

[Kim]

You know, I used to be one of those people who was like "I don't believe in camping" but then I read "World War Z" and I believed in camping, AND I believed that my fellow humans would eat me when I ran off to Canada. Possibly grilled over a fire pit.

Eli, you sounded like a moron. Do you really not think camping exists? Or do you just like insulting people? I'm hoping he at least cringed at seeing that played back!

I'll be happier when we have a less "wacky" challenge. Like last week's.

[Snarky Amber]

Speaking of not cooking and sucking anyway, Robin and her fucking salads! She always wants to make a salad. Salad is not cooking. It's dressing.

[Alison]

And it always looks like dumpster garbage on a plate.

[Sarah, Goon Squad Sarah]

Is she secretly a rabbit?

Or does she work for the lettuce lobby?

Does lettuce have a lobby?

[Sarah, Goon Squad Sarah]

Wait, I want to hear more about the Canadian cannibals.

[amalah]

THIS IS NOT TOP CEVICHE!

And you don't make friends with salad!

/cliche
//had to be said

[Issa]

I'm glad Mattin is gone, because I kept thinking, one day, he's going to poison the judges. Top Chef, the ER version, doesn't have the same ring to it. Also, I never understood a word he said. Ron either.

I'm thinking that the brothers are both morons if they don't see Jennifer as a threat. Those there can cook for me anytime though.

LOL at Ash and her hair. I'm going to go with too much gel as the answer? Reminds me of my younger brother when he first discovered gel and used half a bottle on his hair. He was six.

[Issa]

Sarah, you can only get the last season on Netflix. Got all excited and went to see and it's not out yet.

[Sarah, Goon Squad Sarah]

I am so ashamed of myself for not having used that line.

I say it at home all of the time.

[Sarah, Goon Squad Sarah]

Sorry, I didn't mean to be a tease.

[Darcey]

I think Ashley just sweats when she's nervous. Which means she's nervous a lot. And sweats easily. Which makes sense, since it's the surface of Venus, or at least eight million degrees.

[Laurie]

I don't know where to start.

First of all, if talking to oneself is a sign of crazy, well I already knew I was so it's not so shocking.

The sword situation was hilarious. If I thought anyone around me would get it I'd have been saying it all day. "Does anyone have a sword?" like it would be totally normal if someone did.

What is with the ceviche obsession? And yes, maybe Mattin's was deadly but I am so bitter that I have to look at Robin for one more week (she really, really bothers me) that I wish they'd kept him and sent her home just on principle.

I have overthought this.

[Alison]

Fabio's grandma would be ashame-ed of you, too.

[inkypop]

So. Douchebag Mike is all like "JI-ro" and I'm all like, "DUDE! All you cook is Greek food! And you claim Greek heritage? Douchebag."

Also? Is it just me, or does Ron totally sounds like Glomer from the animated Punky Brewster series? Whenever he talks, I erupt into a fit of giggles, shrieking for Glomer.

[Sarah, Goon Squad Sarah]

I have a brunch with the neighborhood ladies this morning. I think I will
repeatedly ask for a sword.

It's fine. I'm sure they already think I'm nuts.