Couple's Retreat is Funny, if You're Deaf and Blind and Are Reading Dirty Jokes in Braille.

My mother always says if you can't say something nice, don't say anything but she's a dumb, lazy whore so why should I listen to her? (Get it? I'm NOT doing what she says and calling her a whore so that's double funny for anyone keeping score at home.) Any way... I saw Couple's Retreat this weekend and only saying nice things about it is like a Battle of the Network Stars, and on the ABC Team is Mr.T, and Michael Knight, and Murray from Riptide, and my team is the PBS team and all we have is Grover, and that claymation Davey kid from the religious show that was on before Sesame Street, and Jordie LaForge with eyes from Reading Rainbow so it's pretty much an uphill battle, is my point. 

The big trick to be an all-star movie reviewer is to mostly review movies that you either love or that you hate and if you see a movie that is "meh" you just ignore it and hope it will go away like asymmetrical moles or coughing up blood. But Couple's Retreat falls firmly in the "Movie I Hate" column and also the "Fuck That!" column and also also in the "Things that make you dumber" column, so that means it has fulfilled the first requirement of me reviewing it...so well done Couple's Retreat.

The other good thing about Couple's Retreat is that all the best jokes are in the trailer so if you're in a rush and want to see a half-dozen poorly contrived, ridiculously unexceptional jokes you are in for a real treat because when I was in the movie theater I spent most of my time recognizing scenes from the trailer and waiting for the jokes to show up. And like unwanted relatives who show up at Thanksgiving and have herpes but totally get offended when you ask them not to use YOUR dinnerware and they're all "How am I supposed to pour the gravy then, Ass?" and you just point at the trough you've set up for them and shrug, the jokes do eventually show up. You need to bend space-time for that sentence to make sense, but trust me...it's totally funny.

Another Awesome thing about Couple's Retreat is the lack of Kristen Stewart, and that may sound like a weird thing to find positive about a movie, but I've seen enough of her teenage angst hair flipping to fill a lifetime. And when the credits were rolling and "Kristen Bell" came up I was all "Oh fuck! Is that the girl from Twilight? Fuck. She sucks." and then "Kristin Davis" came up and I was all "Oh fuck! No! THAT'S the girl from Twilight!" and then I remembered it was Kristen Stewart. And then I looked up and everyone in the theater was looking at me because I had said that stuff out loud and not just in my head like my therapist suggested. So I just rolled my eyes big so everyone could see and then I made a big production of Shushing the couple next to me and saying "Keep it down!" in a loud whisper. So good job on not having Kristen Stewart in your movie, Couple's Retreat.

Okay Vince Vaughn, they say you shouldn't rest on your laurels, whatever that means if you aren't in Ancient Greece, but I think maybe you could use a little rest on your laurels because the shit you've been slinging since Fred Claus is a little sub-par and maybe a nap would do you some good. Also Jon Favreau makes infinity dollars directing Iron Man movies, so maybe he could rest on his laurels too. In fact, Jason Bateman would do well to get some much needed laurel rest and everyone else in the movie including all the Kristens ever, can pretty much rest on laurels or pine needles or broken glass for all I care. But they definitely shouldn't make another movie together unless this was an attempt to undermine the American way of life, in which case they are excellent terrorists. Well-played, fear-mongers.

Moral: I didn't like this movie very much

Comments

[Austin]

Sad to hear this movie sucked so hard. I thought it had potential based on the previews. However, I 100% agree with hating Kristen Stewart. She is about as terrible an actress as they come.

[Sweetney]

dude, that first sentence made me spit out food, literally. so thanks for that. you rule.

[bd]

best movie review eva!

[Amy]

Thought this movie looked like it sucked. Thought all the "good" (using the term losely) jokes were probably in the trailer. Oh, well - thanks for saving me ten bucks. I look to you as THE authority on all things funny and cool.