Clash of the Titans Due in 2010. Or 1981. Depending On Your Access To A Time Machine.

So they're remaking Clash of the Titans, because of course they are. Why wouldn't they? The original was the last of the Harryhausen Claymation masterpieces and starred Harry Hamlin without his shirt or suspenders on and there was a Kraken and it kicked ass, unless you went back and watched it last year with your kids trying to show off an awesome movie from your childhood and they were all "Dad, why do all the monsters look like Gumby?" and you were all "Jesus. Are we out of whiskey already?" And then you realized it kinda had a weak plot and Perseus was being trained by the Ancient Greek version of Mickey, from the Rocky movies and in general it pretty much sucked ass and was not as cool as when you used to sneak peeks at the underwear pages of the Sears catalog.

So they're remaking it.

The continued molestation of my childhood nostalgia by Hollywood goes unchecked and usually I get all stuck-up and groany when they do this, but in this case I think I see nothing but possible chances for improvement. Like in the original, Zeus was played by Sir Lawrence Olivier and everyone knows that once you get knighted, it goes right to your head, because then everyone is calling your "Sir" all the time instead of "Hey, Asshole" and in the new version Zeus is played by the exceptionally-tall Liam Neeson who, on top of not being a knight of the Round Table or whatever, is Irish. And that's pretty good casting as I see it, because who wants a stodgy old cranky-pants Zeus when you can have Mace Windu or Jobba Fett* or whomever he played in Episode I: The Search for Suck**. 

For those unfamiliar with the story, it is that of Perseus who has to save someone from the Kraken, which is a totally rad Godzilla-fish-thing, using gifts from the Gods and... you know what? Read a book for once, Lazy. I'm not your mythology library. Also I think I'm a little too drunk to be trying to remember stuff and also also it's nap time. The point is, I'm incredibly handsome and that too may be a gift from the Gods.

Sam Worthington is playing the titular character, and I KNOW "titular" means "in the title" so it doesn't apply here...unless his name is "Clash" in the movie, which would be a really good pun if you think about it and also "titular" makes me snicker because YOU KNOW WHY! Any way, Sam Worthington was in Terminator Salvation and I guess that is the same as being in a movie so there you go. Should do an awesome impression of Gerard Butler in 300 without all the weird facial ticks. 

Clash of the Titans comes out in 2010 unless you own a time machine, in which case it comes out in 1981 and while you're back there could you drive to my house and tell 10 year-old me to stop playing with himself all the time and go out there and make some friends? Thanks a million.

* This is total dork-baiting. I'm on a catch-and-release program set up by the state Fish and Game Commision.

** C'mon big fella...take the bait..."I hate Firefly"....c'mon....

Comments

[lori]

How is it that I remember this movie but can't remember what I studied in college??

This post is a fine example of the kind of stuff I shouldn't read at work because the laughing is drawing attention to me and the fact that I'm not technically "working".

[Kristi of Million Dream Mom]

I just have to say that this article is hilarious!

TITULAR!

[Jessi]

Hmm... I'm thinking a better title would be Episode I: The Phantom Suckage. Just sayin'

Also, Firefly kicks ass.

[Mouse]

Almost pulled in by the Firefly baiting...

My sister and I loved this movie when we were kids. Then, a few years ago at a family gathering, we caught it on TV. And found ourselves gape-mouthed, wondering how we could have ever thought it was so amazing. There's that bird they keep showing, and most of the time, it's clearly a cut-out that doesn't even flap its wings. How did I miss that before?

[Jay Andrew Allen]

I can't get incensed about remakes of camp classics. The original movie was a lame attempt to extort money from hapless geeks. It worked precisely because it failed. A remake is akin to shooting a corpse - what's there to get worked up about?

And I am not above giggling at "titular." Makes me feel young again.

[indycitygirl]

I loved this movie when it came out.I dont know why(well maybe comsuming vast amounts of choice buddage had something to do with it)but everytime I catch it on TV I must stop and watch it.My 19 year old makes fun of it because of the craptastic special effects but I luvs it

[Renee]

My parents knew they were raising a dork when I asked for this movie for my 10th birthday. Now, my husband will get that same kind of confirmation, because I am definitely seeing this.

[Katya]

You've summed up my thoughts perfectly. And I will probably be hunted down for saying so, but I feel the same way about The Neverending Story. Go rent it and see if you can figure out how in the hell it was ever so popular in the first place! Nowhere to go but up, it would seem.